Question

[ClingingToHope]

Good morning.

Look at far you've come. Several months ago you were ready to swear off men forever. There are lots of great guys out there. You'll find another.

You brought up a great thing -- holding hands. I really miss that. I love holding my girls hands when we are together -- but it's not the same thing.

One thing on insurance -- it's going to cost you more as well. You likely get a multi-car discount and that will go away when you divorce. My insurance will go from $45 a month to $65 a month after the divorce and STBXW's will go up $20 a month as well.

You should split the insurance now though. Have the company send him a bill and you a bill. As long as you're married you get the discount, but at least you don't have to wait around for money from him.

[awest1217]

The insurance comes at different times. We added his car in February and since we pay bi-annually, his car insurance comes in February and August, while mine in December and June. The only thing that will be on the same bill is car registration. I know it will increase my payment, but he has been free loading for so long I am just tired of it. I am tired of him living his life and blowing all his money on OW, then blaming the lack of money and the lack of moving out on the fact he gives me $500 a month.

Now I just found out my step-sister and family have been having in the works to move here by not paying their mortgage so they are getting forclosed on. That means...my little sister is going to be moving in with me, which won't be bad, actually it will be nice to have someone to help do housework, but at the same time it will be crazy.

You definitely never know what will happen from day to day.

[ClingingToHope]

Yes. The other day STBXW was showing me the flyer on the listing for the house. I took a couple of steps back and said "I don't care."

She waived her arms at me and said, "what do you want? For us to go bankrupt?"

I just glared at her and didn't say anything. This is what SHE wanted. So if she's struggling with money that's her fault.

It is frustrating. Of course, now we are probably going to court and to the point where we speak to each other less than once a week.

[awest1217]

Last night was crazy!!!!!!

All was well when H picked up S. I had S ready and he left without a hitch. Then when S comes home H tries to give me a hug...NO WAY! He doesn't get to be all lovey when he just told me 4 days ago he doesn't want to be married anymore. He also gave S an old Toy Story toy MIL had saved from when his brothers were kids. I open it for S, and inside in a card for me.

It says how he regrets hurting me and wishes he could change it, but can't, but he still will love me forever. WHAT!?!?!?! I started balling and started going off on H through texting because I knew he wouldn't answer the phone. To keep it short, I wasn't really mean, I just told him that he said he didn't want to be my husband anymore and he continually chooses to not be with me so leave me alone and deal with it because it is his choice. I also asked why, which I know he will never get an answer to. He said he was sorry for ruining my night and he just wanted to say sorry about hurting me. I told him I don't want some generic apology that just soothes him. I want the truth about everything he has done and what has happened and why after all my hard work that he still doesn't want to stay married.

No reply to that. He just said sorry for giving you the card.

I feel he did it just to hold on to me again, hoping i would just let everything go back to how they were so he had his "friend/wife" back. Not happening. I asked him when I would be free of him or would I forever have to deal with things like this (like his brother is doing to his ex girlfriend). He said as soon as he saves the money he would file and I would be free. Not once did he say he didn't want this or wanted to stay married or even friends. He not once said anything like that...

Then an aquaintenance sends me a story on FB about a married guy who wants to D because of an OW and his W asks for him to just carry her to the door every day for a month while their son finishes his finals. He said ok, and did it. After the month, he goes to the OW and tells her he wants to stay married only to have his W die to cancer, but it said at least his son always thought of him as a loving husband and never as a cheating one. I sent it to H, and asked him why again we couldn't work.

I know I will never get the answer, and I will have to move on. Hopefully H will leave me alone now and I will get time to get over this and heal. This is definitely different from anything else, but he made his choice so now to stick to my ultimatum. I am strong enough now to not allow him to hurt me anymore.

Today H picked up S and was crying. I told him some things we need to discuss about health insurance because he doesn't want to add S to his dental plan, but then that leaves me to pay everything out of pocket.

I am going to go now and clean the house and possibly mow, but I may save mowing for when S is here because he likes to do that with me. Then I am going to go shopping for some stuff for me, and finally end up at my brother's for dinner. I already got the oil changed in my car and got it washed. I am also going to change the wall of wedding pics I have to pics of S at the beach and through the seasons. The only pic left to change is the family pic and I will be getting a new one taken the first week of august when I get S's yearly pics taken. Detaching the best I can.

[Lucky11too]

Wow! That is alot. I envy your strength that you were able to stand up to H like you did. He was doing exactly what you said he was - sending that card to try to hold on to you and get back to the way things were before and being an H when he wants to be. If it was other than that, you gave him the chance to say otherwise - anything otherwise about saving the M - yet he didn't. I'm sure it's hard to tell the man you spent you're life with to leave you alone, but you're right, this is his choice.

I am actually surprised H followed thru on both days with S. I thought for sure he would flake out. I am glad he is actually trying to be a father and hope that continues. How does S seem to be taking it? Is he enjoying the H time? And how are you handling having S away? To me, I know I would enjoy some me time, but would miss S like crazy. I don't know how I'm going to handle that someday.

Well just keep being strong. It's not an easy path to take, but you're definitely taking control of your life now. I hope you are enjoying the time to yourself today.

[awest1217]

Today was ok. H had tears in his eyes when he dropped off S, but still nothing said to me about anything. He gave me a hug again, which will need to stop. We did talk this time for about 20 minutes about S and what he did for H. S was a wholy terror for H. He was in time out a lot, but S isn't used to H, and H isn't used to S. S just cried for me because when he gets in trouble with me, he immediately wants to say he is sorry, cuddle, and talk about what was wrong. I think H talks over S's head a little, but he will learn. I kept everything about S, was upbeat, and just gave some suggestions because I know S's personality (very much like my own...AAAHHH! but what do you expect when I was the sole parent while his personality was forming) and I know what works with him. You really have to treat him like an adult to get him to do what you would like. You have to let him put the food on his plate and do everything himself. Allow him to help you cook. He likes to be involved, and if he doesn't want to eat I don't fight him and make him eat. I just let him go hungry or later make him eat his dinner.

S was very excited about it all. He couldn't wait to hang out with daddy, and I think that was part of the reason why he had a hard time today. He didn't eat anything with H, but it has been very hot, and on top of that, he was too excited to eat. He just wants to play play play because he doesn't see H very often. I think S sees H as a playmate and not as a dad or parent. Maybe more like an uncle so I think it is very hard on him when H disciplines him because he isn't with him often. When my brother disciplines S, S cries and comes to me then I talk to him about what he did wrong as the parent. I think S feels secure with me and will have to learn to feel some of that with H. H has a lot of trust rebuilding with him too.

I was surprisingly ok. I had a few sad moments, mostly when I thought about last night, but otherwise it was nice to have the day to myself. I got a lot of stuff done; oil changed, car washed, house cleaned, S's 2T clothes put away and 3T put out, packed more of H's things, moved my clothes into the closet in my bedroom that used to be H's and I was leaving open for H, went shopping, went to the zoo with my B, SIL, and nephew, and then S came home. I also got pics printed to replace my wedding photo wall, and other pics printed. Oh yea, and I got a ton planned for Sunday school. Now I have to print some stuff out hopefully tomorrow morning to give to the teachers to start August 1. It felt like I had a babysitter for the day. Now S is not spending the night because in IN there must be 9 months solid visitation with a toddler before overnights begin, plus H and I agree S shouldn't spend the night until H has his own place and S is used to it. Tonight at 6 S was asking for me becuase he was getting tired and ready for bed so overnights won't be a good thing right now.

So once overnights happen...that is when I will have a very hard time because I will miss my baby and hate not seeing him for two whole days, but that won't happen for at least 9 months so nothing to worry about for me until almost the end of the upcoming school year.

[Lucky11too]

Ooo, yeah, that is going to be tough when it comes to overnights. I have never gone a day since S was born without seeing him, so I don't want to even think about that yet.

Well, it sounds like you had a very productive weekend. That's really neat that you are doing sunday school this year. I always look up all the sunday school teachers at our church who put so much time and dedication in for our kids. You make a difference in kid's life and that is so special! =)

[awest1217]

Not able to sleep recently. I have been trying to get back to sleeping early and getting up early, but although I get up earlier, still not able to sleep (mostly since the major hit from H). I don't know if it is just a lot of frustration built up or my body is just used to staying up late.

I do know I have a lot of emotions pent up. I just don't know how to get them out. It seems every time I am about to let them out, something happens and I am back with them stuck inside. I know that is not good, and really I need a really good cry, but I just can't. It is really weird.

Anyway otherwise I am doing great. S is back sleeping in my room since his weekend with H. I don't know if it is making sure i am there or if it is wanting to spend extra time with me. I spend so much time with him cuddling, playing, etc, but he still wants to sleep in my bed. I really have to get him broken of it, but once we get back to him sleeping in his bed, he goes with H and then the cycle starts back over. I know I should just make him sleep in his bed and cry for hours until he falls asleep, but I just don't have the heart to do that to him. Another change has happened and I want him to realize I will always be there. He mentioned something today about "mommy be here" but I don't remember everything.

Anyone with kids and suggestions I would love it. I know my sibs think I should make him sleep in his bed, but I just don't know.

This week hopefully beach tomorrow, work at the church on sunday school, maybe go to my work, and who knows what else will pop up like today I cut my brother's hair before he went out of town for business. Summer is winding down quickly.

I did text H about some stuff in the house to ask if he wanted it and if he had talked to his parents yet (so I can reorganize my house before school starts and not have to deal with it sometime where I am going to be stressed), but of course no reply. I was very nice, but it is stuff that I want to have taken care of so I can have my house back to normal...especially with my sister moving in. I just sometimes feel like H really doesn't want to D, but something either deep inside of himself (like guilt thinking we could never make it) or someone is making him do it, or he just doesn't want to deal with reality which could be completely possible as well. Who knows? I just want to move on and can't because he won't work with me. Once his stuff is gone I have no reason to really "bug" him. I also text him about S and how he actually ate a bunch today, but no response there either. I was hoping he would at least say good or something, but nothing which bugs me because as I said before I worry when S is with H because H won't talk to me at all the two weeks he doesn't see S so he knows nothing about him or what is going on, and I forget what all I should tell him when he picks up because S is ready to go. ARGH!

Now I really need to somehow get to sleep. Maybe I need to go back to taking showers after I put S to bed. maybe that will help me relax to sleep.

[awest1217]

S went to bed in his own bed last night and I had an hour to relax before bed, which led to some really good sleep. Now S and I had a lot of time to hang out yesterday. We sat and played together, cuddled while watching his morning cartoons (PBS) and other fun stuff so I think that could be why. He had plenty of time with me so he didn't need some when he went to bed. Plus he ate a ton again today so maybe he is growing and is extra tired...AHHH! Thank goodness I already got out all of his bigger clothes.

No beach yesterday due to a chance of rain. Today we are going to go to a store and possibly go put putting later. Tomorrow go to the church to work on Sunday school stuff and Friday maybe my work.

[awest1217]

Had a crazy thought this morning. There is a possibility that FIL will be running for mayor. I don't think it will happen, but he is the best candidate and the current mayor has hinted to people that FIL should run.

How does this affect me? Well, FIL would have to start campaigning in November of this year for the primaries in May 2011 then the general election November 2011. Knowing the family like I do, this family is part of the royalty of our city. I always told H he was the "prince of the city" whenever he acted like I spoiled brat. Anyway I am thinking that if H hasn't filed by November and FIL decides to run, we won't be able to get D'd until next year. Part of me says good because there is a chance we could reconcile, but at the same time UGH! I want to move on. Plus I would have to do all of this stuff with the family to help FIL win, it could really get messy and hard.

Some may say why is this such a problem. Well, it will be hard for FIL to win. Everyone knows him which is why he is a good candidate; good name recognition, but at the same time, he is either loved or hated by people so there would need to be a lot of work making sure there isn't anything to hurt the name and H getting D'd because of an affair...not good for the image.

I know I shouldn't worry about it, but this could be a very real possibility and I don't know what to do. H won't do anything when it comes to D. He won't discuss with me what things he wants and what he doesn't or anything. He won't discuss anything at all. I am being nice and asking what he will want, not asking him to get it right now, but this way everything is packed now instead of later, but he still won't tell me anything. He only said he will file when he has the money, but he should already have plenty of money to file so...it just concerns me to think this could drag out until probably 2012...

Alright just wanted to type that mostly to get it out of my head, but also in case it does happen, I will have it down saying I had a feeling that would happen. I guess I will just ask H if FIL has said anything about possibly running, right now it is a no, but then if he says yes, ask H how soon he will file and tell him my reasoning for getting this over asap.