I need to know if I'm wrong for asking my husband to give up the friendship with someone he has had a recent affair with? I can't try to fix my marriage knowing that she's still in his life, even though they are not sexual anymore. He downright refuses to let her go. He tells me I don't understand their relationship, yet he can't explain it. I feel I'm second to her. Is it possible to rebuild my marriage like this? If so, how do I get past those feelings? He also defends her as well.
Dear Seeking Safety,
After the disclosure of infidelity, the only way that healing and recovery can occur is if the unfaithful partner stops all contact with the affair partner. You are not wrong in your request. Until safety is established, the trauma reactions will continue. Your husband's loyalty appears to be toward her rather than toward you.
You cannot fix your marriage by yourself. He is trying to call all the shots and is showing very little compassion for your pain. Rebuilding your marriage in this troubled situation is like trying to construct a building on quicksand. It might look all right on the surface, but the foundation is insecure and the whole structure could collapse at any moment. You could use some help to figure out what you want to do about your marriage. It sounds like you and your husband could benefit from improved communication, so couples therapy could provide a safe place to resolve these issues.
