tired of this

[A_goodman]

Damn Puppy. I always welcome a well deserved 2X4. I was feeling pretty good about my efforts, but took your advice and re-read my whole thread and the help offered by Sandi, Robx and Coach. Several times actually.

You know, with some minor slip ups here and there, I still think I’ve been doing pretty well.

I have stopped being a doormat cold turkey.

I have set some boundaries, with more to come this Tuesday.

I am working hard on getting in shape (work out 5 times/week now and have lost 36 lbs) and am starting to do things that I’m interested in.

Admittedly, I haven’t started going out partying like W, but I have been out with friends twice, and taken my kids on several outings. And I’m going to a cigar tasting with a coworker after work Friday.

I have agreed that W should NOT stay if she doesn’t want to be with me b/c I deserve better.

I have detached fairly well I think. I don’t spend any liesure time with her. I don’t ask her anything about what she’s doing. I never bring up the R. Basically, the only time we spend together is dinner as a family most nights, Church on Sunday and the occasional discussion concerning the boys or house.

I’m still working around the house trying to take care of maintenance issues (180 # 1). And have been consistant on my other 180s.

Most importantly, I have been trying to learn from other’s situations and realize that this takes more time than any of us want. I have struggled from time to time, but am trying to remain patient because either way there’s no way but forward.. I can succeed or I can fail, but I can’t stop going through this damnable crappy time in my life.

I don’t want to be one of those recipients of your advice that gives you a thousand “yeah, but”s but I will say that I am trying really hard to master this stuff, and a lot of it is contradictory on its face. Especially the “Agree with everything” method vs. the “grow a pair and stand up for yourself” method (which I like way better BTW)

For instance, I can end all small-talk, but then am I showing a PMA and happy care-free demeanor? I understand that I should have blown off her invitation the other day because it was the first one. But aren’t I supposed to accept some of them? Aren’t I supposed to act poised and confident and be a leader for my family (including her). She wanted to take the kids to see Despicable Me. The kids really wanted to see it and frankly, so did I. My inlaws were the ones actually driving that and they came too. We went and got a Pizza before hand and I sat talking to FIL and MIL the whole time. I acted carefree and charming all the while. At the movie, the boys sat between us and I interacted with them exclusively throughout the movie. Afterwards, I made plans with FIL to go out to their place and help him do some work later this week. In my mind, I felt and acted “as if” and just happened to be sharing a ride and itinerary with W while I was actually having fun with the kids and inlaws. But I understand that she might have seen it differently and it is HER impression that really matters here. As far as the spooning, guilty as charged. All I can say is that I go to sleep back to her and sometimes wake up holding her. Don’t know how it happens, must be a habit. Hell, if it can happen to John Candy I guess it can happen to me, but I will make sure to try and not let her catch it if I get up first. I sure as heck will stop enjoying the moment when it happens. I realize that isn't anything but nostalgia for a dead and buried life i once enjoyed.

I assume you read all of my posts as well as the advice posts I got. Am I seriously doing this wrong? I’m not being a smart a$$, I really want to know what other steps I should be making. Because I am taking you old pros advice to heart and putting a lot of faith in your experience and knowledge. AND this stuff is both hard and involved. There is a LOT to remember about this. Add to it the emotional aspects and it becomes like trying to land a burning plane by the check list. All you want to do is get on the ground, but if you get in a hurry or let your emotions get the best of you, you might overlook something and still crash.

Sandi, Robx, Coach, Gucci and anybody else who wants to chime in please give me a critique of my efforts thus far.

As LRT_Land mentioned, W seems a little confused to her. I don’t see it, but I’m in close. Hopefully, my efforts are creating some confusion and I intend to foul her circuits up as much as possible until she realizes she needs to rewire her thinking.

Cheers.