tired of this

[A_goodman]

Thanks Ken,

This whole thing is crazy. It's been an eye opener for sure though. I'll read your thread. I think Puppy gave up on me at the beginning. The first post got fouled up and I couldn't edit it. I do go long with my posts, but it is cathartic to get all this poison out and let it go.

I have been reading more and more posts and am starting to get confused a little. Some of the tennents of DB are contradictory to me. I have a meeting now, but will lay out some of my questions this afternoon.

Thanks for taking the interest AND for the encouragement.

Cheers,

[A_goodman]

Ken62,

I read your post. I am really sorry things worked out like they did. I know you didn't get the original letter back, but if you can remember still, did you sit there thinking: ok, I'm not perfect. But this seems like a crock. What I mean is, sure some of it was probably dead on, but did it seem like a flimsy list of grievances on which to base such a momentous decision? That's how I have felt for months.

I have learned from you and can't thank you enough. Not sure if mine will turn out better, but I will definately TRY to avoid things that I might otherwise have not seen as wrong before finding this forum. Thank you also for importing the quotes you did. This site is too big to read everything. So I might never have seen them.

You mention that I'm a quick study. I think the previous EA primed me. I could never have done the things I'm trying to do then. That time was the most excruciatingly painfull thing I ever endured. This time, while also crushing, my emotions flashed over into anger more frequently and quicker. I don't think I would have fared as well as you had I tried all this the first time.

Cheers.

[A_goodman]

Ok, I need some advice. There are some techniques that seem out of sync with each other. I know that I don't understand everything well enough yet. How can I agree with everything, yet still not back down and be a doormat? For instance, the money argument. I know that it is one of the first boundaries I am trying to set, but how to do that without disagreeing with her cockamamie ideas about it being HER money. Also, this idea that she is using to justify lying about it, i.e. she was afraid I would hurt her, is totall BS. I can't validate that, can I?

I am having a harder time today. My son's baseball team had our end of the year party tonight. We caught a pro game together. (I was a coach. And was proud to hand my son a First Place trophy! So there was good news).

Anyway, W begged out early in the week. I knew it was so she could go out tonight. I said goodby this morning (accidentally let slip an ILY. She returned it, but I kicked myself. It is just habit, but I really need to watch those). I went to work and stayed dark all day. It was tough. Especially when by the time we were headed to the game, I realized I hadn't heard from her either.

So all through the game I checked my phone like a dope. Don't know why I was hoping for contact. Guess I still get delusional sometimes. Another thing I need to control. So a whole day of darkness was punctuated by coming home to a dark house. No lights outside. No drapes drawn. A drawer still open in the bathroom from son brushing his hair this morning. These are things that she would never leave so going out at night. I know now that she never came home from work. Which must have taken some planning on her part.

So here I am. Mr as if! More like mr "only if". I guess not caring takes more time to set in all the way. I read Sandi's post over again and realize I have to fake it tomorrow morning, but it's going to be hard. I was so proud of myself and here I sit at quarter of one in the morning just feeling betrayed and hurt all over again. I'm ready for the callouses to start building.

So ok you db jedis how long does it take to REALLY stop giving a rip?

Cheers.

[A_goodman]

Well this morning I got up early and went to get the boys Doughnuts for breakfast. Then went straight outside and started working on rewiring my phone lines. They have been messes up for a couple of weeks. Ma Bell said it's not their line it's mine. Saw W around 9:30. She told S9 how nice his trophy is. Said good morning and asked how the work was going outside. I am much better today. I made small talk and went back to it.

Later, she told me she thought it'd be fun to do something as a family later. I said sure.
Syne I needed to just go to sleep earlier last night. Don't know what time she rolled in. I woke up briefly @ 0245 and she was stll out.

This whole thing is messed up. But I don't want to give up. Yet.

Cheers.

[LRT Land]

Hi Goodman - I've just started posting here. For me, I do't think I'll ever entirely stop "giving a rip." I don't want to give up either, but my H had placed a hefty sum with a lawyer to start the process. THat seems like a pretty clear sign.

Are you two still sleeping in the same bed? We are on different floors - have been since we moved to this new place a couple months ago.

Your W still sounds a little confused to me. Not that I know anything - I'm in a big mess.

[A_goodman]

Hi LRT,

Yep. Still in the same bed. But no affection of any kind. Most of the time I end up coming in after she's sleeping. I usually end up spooning by the morning. I guess it's just habit. It feels good, but I don't read anything into it.

I hope you're right that she's confused. But I'll tell you, she's very stubborn and always seems sure of herself.

I'll read your post. Are you in begginers too?

Cheers.

[LRT Land]

Hi Goodman - I posted in Newcomers, LRT and Divorce Remedy. Newcomers seems the most active.

My M has been a SSM for a while. My H will say it is all my fault - I would say it's both. The M has always been rocky.

How long has your M been on the downswing? I too can be very stubborn. I'm 45 and H is 51.

It's so hard not to talk about the R. I haven't completely mastered that - tried a bit this morning and he got his back up. He's out for a walk right now so I ran to the computer to check in. At least I've stopped crying.

Your W does sound confused to me, but I don't want to give you false hope since I don't know her at all. I never thought my H would go to an atty and here we are.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Well this morning I got up early and went to get the boys Doughnuts for breakfast. Then went straight outside and started working on rewiring my phone lines. They have been messes up for a couple of weeks. Ma Bell said it's not their line it's mine. Saw W around 9:30. She told S9 how nice his trophy is. Said good morning and asked how the work was going outside. I am much better today. I made small talk and went back to it.

Later, she told me she thought it'd be fun to do something as a family later. I said sure.
Syne I needed to just go to sleep earlier last night. Don't know what time she rolled in. I woke up briefly @ 0245 and she was stll out.

This whole thing is messed up. But I don't want to give up. Yet.

Cheers.

Goodman,

There are really only two approaches that I've ever seen work here, and I've been here for over six years and 15,000 posts, studying literally THOUSANDS of affairs. They are:

- Allen A's tough, "affair-busting" methods;

- Robx's/Gucci's "let them go" method.

If there is no infidelity, Coach's approach works best, in my opinion.

NONE of these methods include small talk, spooning, and accepting the first invite your wayward wife throws your way.

Please go back and re-read what Coach, Sandi and Robx have posted to you above. You need to pick ONE of these two firm approaches, and start it like YESTERDAY.

Puppy

[A_goodman]

Damn Puppy. I always welcome a well deserved 2X4. I was feeling pretty good about my efforts, but took your advice and re-read my whole thread and the help offered by Sandi, Robx and Coach. Several times actually.

You know, with some minor slip ups here and there, I still think I’ve been doing pretty well.

I have stopped being a doormat cold turkey.

I have set some boundaries, with more to come this Tuesday.

I am working hard on getting in shape (work out 5 times/week now and have lost 36 lbs) and am starting to do things that I’m interested in.

Admittedly, I haven’t started going out partying like W, but I have been out with friends twice, and taken my kids on several outings. And I’m going to a cigar tasting with a coworker after work Friday.

I have agreed that W should NOT stay if she doesn’t want to be with me b/c I deserve better.

I have detached fairly well I think. I don’t spend any liesure time with her. I don’t ask her anything about what she’s doing. I never bring up the R. Basically, the only time we spend together is dinner as a family most nights, Church on Sunday and the occasional discussion concerning the boys or house.

I’m still working around the house trying to take care of maintenance issues (180 # 1). And have been consistant on my other 180s.

Most importantly, I have been trying to learn from other’s situations and realize that this takes more time than any of us want. I have struggled from time to time, but am trying to remain patient because either way there’s no way but forward.. I can succeed or I can fail, but I can’t stop going through this damnable crappy time in my life.

I don’t want to be one of those recipients of your advice that gives you a thousand “yeah, but”s but I will say that I am trying really hard to master this stuff, and a lot of it is contradictory on its face. Especially the “Agree with everything” method vs. the “grow a pair and stand up for yourself” method (which I like way better BTW)

For instance, I can end all small-talk, but then am I showing a PMA and happy care-free demeanor? I understand that I should have blown off her invitation the other day because it was the first one. But aren’t I supposed to accept some of them? Aren’t I supposed to act poised and confident and be a leader for my family (including her). She wanted to take the kids to see Despicable Me. The kids really wanted to see it and frankly, so did I. My inlaws were the ones actually driving that and they came too. We went and got a Pizza before hand and I sat talking to FIL and MIL the whole time. I acted carefree and charming all the while. At the movie, the boys sat between us and I interacted with them exclusively throughout the movie. Afterwards, I made plans with FIL to go out to their place and help him do some work later this week. In my mind, I felt and acted “as if” and just happened to be sharing a ride and itinerary with W while I was actually having fun with the kids and inlaws. But I understand that she might have seen it differently and it is HER impression that really matters here. As far as the spooning, guilty as charged. All I can say is that I go to sleep back to her and sometimes wake up holding her. Don’t know how it happens, must be a habit. Hell, if it can happen to John Candy I guess it can happen to me, but I will make sure to try and not let her catch it if I get up first. I sure as heck will stop enjoying the moment when it happens. I realize that isn't anything but nostalgia for a dead and buried life i once enjoyed.

I assume you read all of my posts as well as the advice posts I got. Am I seriously doing this wrong? I’m not being a smart a$$, I really want to know what other steps I should be making. Because I am taking you old pros advice to heart and putting a lot of faith in your experience and knowledge. AND this stuff is both hard and involved. There is a LOT to remember about this. Add to it the emotional aspects and it becomes like trying to land a burning plane by the check list. All you want to do is get on the ground, but if you get in a hurry or let your emotions get the best of you, you might overlook something and still crash.

Sandi, Robx, Coach, Gucci and anybody else who wants to chime in please give me a critique of my efforts thus far.

As LRT_Land mentioned, W seems a little confused to her. I don’t see it, but I’m in close. Hopefully, my efforts are creating some confusion and I intend to foul her circuits up as much as possible until she realizes she needs to rewire her thinking.

Cheers.

[LRT Land]

goodman - I posted to you but don't know where it went! for what it's worth, I think you are doing very well in a difficult situation. The only that sticks out is the spooning. If you were truly detached, it wouldn't happen. I know b/c my H and I had been disconnected/detached for months.