I am very frustrated this morning and I think I need a new plan of action. I thought I’d made progress, but I guess not! I haven’t gotten any responses lately and I truly need some help! I don’t care if it’s by way of 2x4’s telling me I’ve done everything wrong! I need advice before I go crazy!
H and I had a conversation about 2am this morning as a result of neither of us being able to sleep. I guess I allowed myself to be baited after he asked what I was thinking about and I commented I was frustrated; that it didn’t feel good to have your spouse trying to constantly get away from you. Now, keep in mind that I THOUGHT we were supposed to be working on the R. I thought wrong. His comments were that while we are legally married, he does not feel emotionally married to me. That he feels nothing for me. Then he said that he is pretty confident this won’t work out, “but he could be wrong.” I expressed my dissatisfaction of thinking we were working on M only to find him retreating worse into his own world. Told him he was waiting on feelings but actions have to be taken to bring back those feelings. He scoffed.
I did a good job of staying calm; didn’t cry. I commented that he had said he would go to counseling and to the retreat weekend, but he only went to counseling once. He said he did not feel it would do any good. Said he would go on the weekend (similar to Retrovaille ?) if it would make me feel better. ???
I told H that I felt he was not being honest. Said I truly feel he is involved somehow with another woman – emotionally. That texting/emailing/calling someone else was not right. Of course he denied there being anyone but did say he’d talked with several friends – both male and female about our situation.
It truly seems that H’s intentions are to stay with me in this roommate type relationship until he is ready to make his move and leave. I think he likes staying because he still gets to be the good guy and doesn’t want to hurt the kids. I think he figures he can hang in with things as is until the youngest is out of school in 4 years. He even said he wanted me to finish my education and for me to “be ok physically and mentally”
He made the comment that he doesn’t know why I want to stay with him. I felt like telling him I probably shouldn’t want to! I just said I made a commitment before God 20 years ago…and that I felt our family was worth fighting for. He said maybe I was just afraid of not finding someone else. I told him I was not afraid of that at all and I wasn’t afraid of being alone either! He said that was good. :-/
We discussed sex and I stated I was no longer up for “just sex”. That it was cold and lonely and it might feel good short term but if there is no true commitment to this R (and I thought there was, previously) I could no longer engage in that.
So, I think I covered the conversation pretty well. It ended and I went back to bed and he followed shortly. So guess what? He then proceeded to put his arm around me and kiss me… talk about mixed messages!
I just don’t know what to do at this point. I am so close to just telling him if he really wants out, to just go. I don’t think I can live in a marriage like this for several years while he bides his time. It’s so hard to live with him and him be so detached. I don’t care if it’s because of someone else or what the reason…I can’t live this way! I deserve love and true commitment.
I feel totally mixed up because he has messed up my game with leading me to believe we were working things out. What do I do now? Let go? DB? Try to catch him in the A (assuming there is one) and expose??? The sad part is, I think if there is not OW then he truly does not love me and there is no hope – that it’s not just someone else drawing his attention away. Is that crazy to think that?
