It seems as if I have no medium days. I'm either super GALing and moving on with things to do and people to see ...
or I'm emotionally crashing.
Having a really down morning. I had so much going on the past two days that today I just feel .... blah.
I shouldn't. I should be grateful for a slow day. I have the girls for seven straight days starting tomorrow so I have to clean. I also have a basketball game, a softball game and have to stop in to work to drop some files into Google DropBox so I can work on them this week.
See. That's a busy day right there. So I don't see why I'm struggling. STBXW used to complain that -- especially in the summer -- I didn't let her and the girls rest, I always wanted to do something. There's something to that.
In church I was having trouble focusing on the message. It was about armor to wear in battle against Satan.
Two of them struck a chord.
* Truth -- I'm proud of 99 percent of my life, but I have to hide from the 1 percent. I have to be proud of 100 percent and then I don't have to hide from anything.
* Faith -- the ability to trust that what you believe will happen eventually will. I believe STBXW will wake up someday and realize that for all my faults I was the one who would love her no matter what. I believe I'll someday find a R more fulfilling than the one I had for 13 years. But having Faith that that absolutely will happen? I haven't found that yet.
My mantra from Thursday kind of snapped me out of it. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself and I am tired of people feeling sorry for me.
Maybe I'm just tired. I'm considering taking a sleeping pill after the softball game tonight to get a ton of sleep. I don't want to go into my final summer week with the girls tired. I'm already going in a little worried about finances.
CTH, you aren't bi-polar, you're just a man trying to get by with what you know how to do best. You keep yourself damn busy to keep your mind from pondering the big hurt in your life. Then you burn yourself out and are useless for a couple of days, then it starts all over. It's hard to find a happy medium. I do it all the time! I have to learn that I don't have to be going day in and day out, it's OK to do nothing. I just find that when I have empty time my mind zaps right into rumination mode but I'll figure out how to put an end to that someday. Btw, I too struggle with the faith thing. You want to believe that the Lord has good in store for you but it's hard to really believe. I think that's the trust factor. I'm scared to trust God, I trusted the woman I married for 17 years, really believing she would never hurt me, and I took it right between the legs. I'm scared to put all my trust in God, if He lets me down then what do I have left! Anyway, as far as the armour against Satan I'd go with a heavy duty athletic supporter! Hey, when you have those down days don't be hard on yourself, just look at what the message is, God does speaks to us in many ways. I think the trick is that we have to listen.
