So while I"m sitting here planning my big dump/divorce strategy, H strangely continues his niceness. Today when I answered S's question about "where did the first person come from" I gave a brief kindergarten answer about how first there were apes, then apepeople, then people. H immediately states how that isn't how it is blah blah blah and his lecture about evolution.
I was reminded of the conversation a month or so back when S asked about "even and odd" numbers and H criticized me about how I was telling him all wrong, etc....so I simply said that my answer was just a simple one that I thought S could understand. Unlike the last time, H says "I didn't mean to say that you were WRONG" and I kept silent. Then he owns up, "I guess me saying you were wrong multiple times might have sounded that way."
WTF! How many months, years, have I asked him to speak to me nicely and with respect? Now that I'm pulling back he's doing it on his own? Can't fall for it can't fall for it, want to fall for it can't fall for it...
more stuff like that today. Always, when H is around, I unconsciously do things that push his anger/irritation buttons. Usually it's around disorganization, losing/breaking/spilling things. I've suffered hours of yelling over such things.
My life is much better these days with him not around. But of course today I magically lose my phone and H gets a call from the finder. I freeze with panic. He seems to be calm and says "Why are you getting upset? I'm trying to help you?" This sounds like typical abuser talk - he has no idea why I'm upset, and it's my oversensitivity, not his behavior that is stirring me up. But I"m also relieved to have a calm H. So I tell him honestly, "these things only happen when you are around now. I"m not blaming you, but I unconsciously fear that you will think/tell me 'I'm a f... up, I'm disorganized, I can't get it together,'etc." He says, "Sor-ry... I don't mean to upset you." Slight sarcasm, but a bit lightly.
Now, of course, these are the kinds of respectful words and calm tone I have longed to hear for over a year. But my mother says, he still can't admit that his reactive behavior has "trained" me to panic at the littlest "mistake." So I have to not fall for it! If I could count on this kind of support and these kind words, I wouldn't have had the problems I have had in our M. And I am not blaming him, but more responsibility from his side is necessary.
Also, he has lied to me and could be again, I have to remind myself of this. He could be putting on a "I'm not such a bad guy" act since he senses my pullback. It could be masking true irritation and anger. I don't know. The not knowing is the problem.
Oh this sucks! I can't be pulled into the hope that he's "coming around" or he's "getting it" or "taking responsibility" because I have had times when I thought that was happening before and wham it all came back.
Like when he said he was working in MC to see if we could reconsile, and as soon as the legal separation was signed, he bought an airplane, said he wasn't coming back, and that he's had a gf for a year. Yea, I won't forget that this time!!
