work on myself. i have a 30 day plan to focus on myself. GAL, go dark, if i can't avoid it, stand up straight and smile. greek suggests that if i don't want to hunker down in fear wondering whether today is the day i get served, then go file. i think she also told me that if my h isn't going to cut the apron strings then i am better off without him. forrest suggests that i let him file.
the vets have been really good at getting me to open up about my contribution to the breakdown. trying to fix my mind reading, catastrophsizing (sp?), and stop doing what doesn't work. i've even discussed why the gold digger comment is such a sore spot for me. i've discussed why intimacy was an issue for me.
discussing these things are great. but how does that help me now?
i can't show him that i'm working on my intimacy issues. i can't give away the farm in the separation agreement to show i'm not what he thinks i am.
how does one do the work to fix these issues without being a doormat or promiscuous?
i feel that my thinking of the worst makes me feel pessimistic.
i don't understand how one week turned me into enemy #1. i feel like i'm wasting my time working on me. i could GAL until the cows come home, i could look like a supermodel, i would be sweet as pie .. and nothing would change.
i guess i feel stuck. my 30 day plan is almost up.
i know we've talked at length about dropping the rope. i'll tell you why i am hesitant about dropping the rope in my sitch.
my h has rarely made a decision on his own. and it bugs the heck out of me. if there is anything that is unattractive about a man, it's indecisiveness. it shows lack of self-confidence.
my h called me up while i was out of town to say he was having agents to come over to look at the house and prep it for selling. it was likely a dig at me but ok. i said you find an agent, i'll go find an agent .. we interview both and go from there. after we interview our agents, i asked him 'ok, so which agent should we go with?' he says "it's up to you. it doesn't matter to me."
when we were selling our home, two offers for the same amount came in. we had to decide which one to take. my h looks at me and says "which one do you think we should go with?" he pushed to sell the house. and now when an offer comes in and we have to decide, he pushes that decision on to me? i said, i know what i think but i want to know what you think. he says it doesn't matter whatever you want. whatever i want?! i didn't even want to sell the house.
we played squash together recently and he voiced his displeasure about one of the guys in our foursome. so i said, do you want to play with me or against me? and again, he looks away/looks to the ground and says "it doesn't matter, it's up to you".
can you make a friggin' decision? it's not life or death. it's like he avoids making decisions so he can blame others.
so if i drop the rope, he'll say we d-ed because dumped let go and dumped made me do it.
is my analysis really off? text is pretty bad - i'm really calm right now.
