I was just reading Puppy Dogs message to "doing my best" when he set up a weekend getaway for his WAW and it dawned on me, that I can't fix her. You are right it is controlling.
From Emergency room visits from taking too many pills/alcohol to the Sheriff taking my wife in for a Polygraph test I don't want her to hurt herself. Yes mirrored back to me it is controlling, but can I just stand by and watch her self-destruct?
Got the books yesterday. Will read.
Last edited by Chuck66; 07/16/1005:24 AM.
Me 44, W 39, S 6, D 6, M 21 Bomb June 18, 2010 I filed D July 20, 2010 W filed counter suit Aug 2 Rings came off Aug 5, 2010
Has she ever said you were a perfectionist? You sound very much like one in your posts, and if she feels that she cannot do any chores the right way then maybe that's why she stop doing them.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Controlling yes, perfectionist no. She hasn't stopped doing the chores. She does the laundry almost daily and doesn't want me to touch it. She did the dishes and laid the kids clothes out. We are in a brand new home and she normally would be decorating it with pictures and things. She has no attachment to this new home or anything in the future or making the house into a home. Before if I put something out of place she would put it back exactly the way she liked it. Now she leaves it where I know she doesn't like it. She just doesn't care. She has checked out. We went to St Louis today and she said 3 sentences all the way down and back (2 hours each way). How can she not tell me if this relationship has a chance or not. I got a week ago, "Don't be pissy if I haven't decided what I want to do yet." I think that means with filing for a divorce. We both have lawyers and thousands sitting in retainers. I told her I would not file. That's when she said the "pissy comment."
Me 44, W 39, S 6, D 6, M 21 Bomb June 18, 2010 I filed D July 20, 2010 W filed counter suit Aug 2 Rings came off Aug 5, 2010
I talked with her a little last night. She said she is going to feel on the spot with our Thursday marriage counsellor since I had gone to my individual appointments and she didn't. Two of them was their fault but one she deliberately missed so not sure why she fussing about it now. I said I am not going to hell and back if I have no chance with you. She said I never said that. I said are you leaning one way or another. She said she still doesn't know. She said she will not prolong this out to 6 months but the last 4 weeks have been hell. So I left it at that.
She came up stairs later and said I didn't mean to say anything that would upset you. I said it didn't. So I am in limbo for now.
Me 44, W 39, S 6, D 6, M 21 Bomb June 18, 2010 I filed D July 20, 2010 W filed counter suit Aug 2 Rings came off Aug 5, 2010
Well well well. After W called me from work and found me at Starbucks asking if I was even in town. Not sure where she thought I was. She came home and asked what I did today? Set up question. I told her I went to Home Depot, Dr Appt and Starbucks (she never did ask if I was with anyone...she knows I have no friends but I was with 2 friends for 2 hours). She said, You didn't talk to your lawyer today? I said no. I haven't talked with him for days. She said you didn't file for divorce today? I said no. I asked if she had talked to her lawyer today? She said yes. I asked if she filed? She said no. She said my lawyer called her lawyer wanting bank account info. So all those questions about what I did today was her thinking I filed. So then she shifted into security mode. She asked, When is your job interview? I said I moved it back to the first Friday in Aug. I said hiring guy is on vacation anyway. Not really a question you ask if you are not going to be living here. But I did receive a letter in the mail that someone had asked for my work savings plan account number. I know the number so it wasn't me. That's what you would do if you were leaving...start counting the pennies. I think she is still weighing her options and none of her reasons looks like love or R. They all seem to be about money.
I was upbeat and cheerful and played with the kids and made sure she could hear us laughing and then she came up and colored a picture with DS and played Old Maid with DS and DD. I've been in a good mood all night and I think she had been thinking pretty hard since she thought I had filed.
Chuck
Me 44, W 39, S 6, D 6, M 21 Bomb June 18, 2010 I filed D July 20, 2010 W filed counter suit Aug 2 Rings came off Aug 5, 2010
Big R talk: She came to my home office and said, "Since we don't talk I want to know what are your plans. Do you plan to fight in court for the kids or are we going to be friendly in mediation?" I said, "I didn't know anyone had filed yet." She sad no one had she just wanted to know what my plans were.
She said "we don't talk, we don't have sex, all we do is sleep in the same room. All we are is roommates. Is it any different if I am sleeping across town?" She brought up another bone of contention other than she says I am controlling and she is unaffectionate and we will never change. She said she doesn't like the fact that I looked at online porn, but she said everything is a catch-22, if I were affectionate then you wouldn't be looking online so she said she is not blaming me but had asked me to stop.
She said none of it matters now anyway. That is so far behind us. I don't care about anything right now anyway. And I don't care if a do or do not have depression.
I talked about this sitch being a life altering event and if we stay together or not I will forever be a changed person and am learning from this. She says she will never get married again. I told her our poor communications skills is what got us here. If and when any problem first arose and we either didn't or couldn't communicate it to the other things would have been better. But neither of us talked to the other while the problems were small and they just grew and grew until they got too big.
She said she had clicked on a few apartments online just to see but with me going up to her work asking about the rumors with her and an OM it just sped up the want/need to be gone.
I asked if she had seen a Realtor and she had, but has not looked at any places yet because she is out of town. She asked me if she thought our kids should live in a dump? She is worried that she is not going to get an equitable share of our assets. I asked her had she already decided to bail? And she said, she is still thinking...
Advice?
Last edited by Chuck66; 07/21/1003:30 AM.
Me 44, W 39, S 6, D 6, M 21 Bomb June 18, 2010 I filed D July 20, 2010 W filed counter suit Aug 2 Rings came off Aug 5, 2010
She wants her freedom, should I just file and give it to her?
Does anyone really want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about anyone or anything let alone trying to re-build a relationship?
I should just file and tell her I am going to stay with my brother in another state for awhile/maybe until mediation. I can either take the kids with me or she can have them and it will be no different than if/when we are divorced. One parent is always going to have the children for weeks on end.
Me 44, W 39, S 6, D 6, M 21 Bomb June 18, 2010 I filed D July 20, 2010 W filed counter suit Aug 2 Rings came off Aug 5, 2010
She wants her freedom, should I just file and give it to her?
Does anyone really want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about anyone or anything let alone trying to re-build a relationship?
I should just file and tell her I am going to stay with my brother in another state for awhile/maybe until mediation. I can either take the kids with me or she can have them and it will be no different than if/when we are divorced. One parent is always going to have the children for weeks on end.
?
Why is that?
Why is one parent always going to have the children for "weeks on end"?
I have joint custody, we swap the kids, I get them for one week and weekend and then she gets them for one week & weekend. It certainly isn't "weeks on end", who would settle for that? For myself, I didn't have kids so that I couldn't be with them, that's not an option.
Going through your thread, if she is really as unstable as you have described, how safe are the kids in her possession? You would risk that?
