Still trying to find my way

[Mystik]

I am feeling so desperately lonely and sad right now. I miss my husband. I miss his texts, miss his calls. Miss being able to sit and chat with him. I have a hollow spot in my chest, where part of me is missing. And that part is him and his love. I have a genuine physical ache that is there more than it's not, an ache and tightness of breathing that I am learning to live with. I don't think they're ever going to go away.

I want to ask God why. What did I do so wrong to deserve being hurt so badly. I know God didn't "let" this happen, it was H's free will and his choices. But still, what did I do to deserve this? This wasn't supposed to happen to us, we were the strong couple, the ones who were so in love that nothing could break us apart. I do not handle change well unless I instigate it. And this change is not one I ever even considered having happen, so to have it happen and happen so harshly, it's hard for me to take it all in and be ok with it. I keep thinking back over our relationship and see so many things I did wrong. What I wouldn't give for a time machine to go back and do it all over again now that I know the DB principles.

And why does my heart still choose to love him? Why am I so compelled to fight for a marriage that H has made clear he no longer wants? He has moved on and is happy, meanwhile I'm left, devastated, to pick up the pieces of my life and try to put it back together. Only it's like Humpty Dumpty, with all the king's horses and all the king's men it can't be put back together again.