We have a FC session tomorrow night and I am a little worried about it.
We are supposed to talk about the selling of the house. I know what my answer will be, but I wanted to be sure we discussed it in front of the FC. Sort of a "safe" place with an objective person there.
I am going to set a boundary and tell her there is no need to sell the house until the divorce papers are signed, and that I will not be forced out of my home. Plain and simple.
And I don't know what will happen with the other 59 minutes. I talked to our FC when she called to confirm our appointment, and even she sounded a little discouraged when I told her what was going on.
We have 59 minutes to discuss why I don't want to sell the house and why she does, and in her mind why "I can't let go".
Should I even let on that I want to save the marriage? I mean if I actually say that statement Allen wrote, then the FC is probably going to see no reason why we should see her anymore. That would just derail everything further.
And I don't get why my wife would buy a TON of groceries if she knew tomorrow I might say that I don't want to sell the house, and she would then move out.
Oh and she has a "good days" and "bad days" tally on our marker board. Apparently today was a bad day. So far it's even between the two. I just don't get her at ALL.
Anyone have any suggestions as to what to try and talk about in FC? I am pretty good and leading and getting to talk about what should be talked about, but I really am at a loss for this one.
I mean "I don't want to sell". Then what?
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
You don't have to budge on the house... The FT isn't a lawyer and neither is your wife... period.
Just maintain that it is your home and you will not move out before you have to move out... You don't HAVE to talk about that for 59 minutes.
I would just say "if there is nothing further I have a household project I am behind on that I would like to put some time into..." and get up to leave...
If she gets nasty just bring up the sex chats and the OM in your own home and tell the FT... not your wife, but the FT that
My wife doing that in your own marital home was incredibly disrespectful so I put a stop to it. Neither of us should have to tolerate disrespect in our own home like that.
I am not a door mat and either is she... I am going to honour my commitments to the letter until we part ways. I am not asking her to do anythign I am not doing myself.
I have been civil, cooperative, and even tried to save this marriage. I will not have an ugly divorce.
I will not be disrespected and I will not be pressured out of my own home. I am honouring my commitments and cooperating. All I ask is that she reciprocate.
Oh and she has a "good days" and "bad days" tally on our marker board
You are still spending too much over analyzing everything.
She could have herself on meds and is tracking how she is feeling.
My wife did something like this in her journal when she was trying to decide to stay married to me, or not. So maybe your wife IS conflicted.
Maybe she is taking Bean-O and tracking how that effects her gas. You just DON'T know.
Either way though, you are till worrying to much about her, what she is gonna do, that she might do x if you do y. It is much simpler than this. Do what you KNOW is right. Do not worry about trying to please, appease or manipulate because even if you win her back, you can not maintain operating under that kind of the stress.
Seriously, just be the best authentic you (thanks Dr. Phil) that you can be. The rest will take care of itself.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
And if your wife brings up you not letting go or says its over AGAIN.. just hit her the FT with this :
I am not talking about staying married. Right now given how dishonest she's been I don't even know if I could even forgive her anyways. I am prepared to be divorced. I am not avoiding that.
What I AM avoiding is being treated with disrespect. Divorce happens, but that does not mean that either of us lays down and allows the other to walk all over them or be hurtful. Neither of us deserve that and I am doing my damndest to be civil.
<list things you have done to demonstrate this>
Despite this I have been lied to, bullied, and now I am being pressured out of my home. I am not fighting for my marriage, I am doing what I can to avoid being lied to, pressured, and bullied.
I will not be disrespected. I don't HAVE to move yet so I will not. I love my home and I am enjoying the work I am doing on it. I see no reason to rush to sell a home before its time. If my wife is upset then she should have thought of explored that with a family therapist before she filed on me.
I am not being respected here. I am honouring my commitments and I ask that she reciprocate. As long as she is civil and respectful we can get along well. I will not be bullied out of my home.
Thanks Down. I agree.. The sample scripts I am posting are focussing on that... They are focussing on self-respect and honouring commitments.
I am not fond of the "me" word and I am avoiding using that because its way too easily misinterpreted and abused. If I talk about honouring commitments and being respectful it leaves little room for misinterpretation.
That is AWESOME stuff there. Now I am going to memorize that and that will be my mantra. I will keep coming back to that there.
There IS another issue though.
When we got married, we BOTH said we didn't want children. About 2 years ago she started feeling like she did. About 1 year ago, I definitely started feeling like I did.
BOTH of us were to SCARED to talk to each other about it though, because we said when we first got married, we'd let the other person go if they wanted kids and not hold them back.
She feels like I would make a bad father. That I if couldn't take care of her, I couldn't take care of a child.
"I'd never bring a child into a marriage with you" ect ect.
I think this can be a MAJOR point for her in all this. The Facebook guy was a dad of 4, and is divorced and supporting them. She even commented on how "she loved how he plays dad".
MWD says to identify what was so great about the OP, and I think this can be a big one.
Should I maybe bring that fact up - about her wanting kinds - and seeing me as a bad father? Because a woman in "mother" mode won't look at a person the same way as maybe just a wife would.
Last edited by Quicksilver264; 07/18/1010:40 PM.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
This is a delicate one so I am taking my time through the evening to think on it.
I am sure you can slip the idea of kids into the meeting subtely so she knows you are supportive of the idea...
IF she does attack you as a bad father you can just say :
The men you were chasing after weren't exactly setting a stirling example of the maturity that's necessary for fatherhood now were they?
What I am doing NOW is what a father should do :
a. Protect his home b. Protect his marriage c. Make civil, cooperative, adult choices when things are at their worst. d. Kids need someone who will be an adult when a house is on fire... They don't need some creep pouring gasonline on it in secret.
The prospective fathers you were chasing weren't any better : one was already married and the other was flaunting using you sexually to me like a sexual predator. Not model father material now were they?
Having children doesn't mean you are a good parent. It just means you were blessed. People spit on that every day.
Stuff like that... that's IF she challenges you on being a model father.
I will work on some ideas of how to sneak a willingness to have kids into conversation later tonight.
