Yes, our SA delineates 50/50 custody, so he feels that if things don't go "his way" then he can take S to his apt3-4 nights per week which I do not want. It just further disrupts my S's sense of security and routine, as well as divides our family even more permanently.
So, unless I continue to leave when H visits, as I have been doing, he will fight in court to have him 3-4 nights per week. I will then have to go back to a lawyer and fight for the agreement to be modified which is not impossible, but is costly and difficult in this state.
I have however, met with a L who is willing to do so, also to have him drug tested. Scary, but my next option.
That is the only sure way to be sure that he knows he is not welcome back. That and asking him to get his stuff out of the house, even though he legally owns half the house.
The problem is I still do hope he will return and hope that cutting off all ties and fighting in court does not have the oppostite effect - of permanently angering him and getting him gone - which it may.
Every spouse avoids doing something because they thing it will anger their wayward mate...
It is NOT HELPFUL to worry about that.
Look at yourself? Is HE doing everything in the world to anger you? Are YOU GONE yet?
No... People visiting this forum ALWAYS underestimate how much their spouse can take and want to go softball on them... ALWAYS... And it just makes the sitaution WORSE
Ok, got it, AA. I am not willing to have S5 at his house any more than it is, but for now I need to go completely dark. No more minimal casual contact free of conflict. If he thinks he wants to be with her and be out of the M, I will test him now. No more cake eating. I will only speak to him via email regarding finances and custody schedules. NO more family time. I will be gone when he is here with S and I will go straight to my room and refuse to talk until he leaves.
PS Meanwhile, I will go back to my lawyer to talk about amending our legal separation agreement to specify that S stays in my home all nights except H's one. SHe said we can petition for this.
Ok, got it, AA. I am not willing to have S5 at his house any more than it is, but for now I need to go completely dark. No more minimal casual contact free of conflict. If he thinks he wants to be with her and be out of the M, I will test him now. No more cake eating. I will only speak to him via email regarding finances and custody schedules. NO more family time. I will be gone when he is here with S and I will go straight to my room and refuse to talk until he leaves.
sigh
That sounds a lot more effective for you and the marriage than your previous strategy.
SeeingRed tried that for three years and it didn't make a diffeerence.. You CAN try to wait this out, but my advice is to do what you can to make your H uncomfortable with his choices and OW uncomfortable with hers (if you can using exposure) and steer clear of them both.
You have to save your sanity and health first, THEN save the marriage if you want to... once you have your sanity and health in good stead you will be in a place where can you say :
I am Ok with him coming back, and I am OK with him going.
I was responding to the article you sent me where she says minimal contact that is conflict free is the most deadly. It gives among other things the appearance that you are fine with him being with someone else. So I'm looking at all the ways I can show I"m not waiting for him, while still keeping custody of my child.
I also get emotionally tied back in when i see him so it's for me. I need to get over him.
?Now to make him more uncomfortable - exposure is silly since we are separated anyhow. He feels the right to see whom he wants (even though I say we are still married and two wrongs - affairs - don't make a right).
How else can I make him uncomfortable? I can go back to court. I can fight for full custody - or majority custody. Ican get him drug tested, legally obligated to go to parenting classes and anger management classes. AT least I can fight for these things. I can ask him to get his stuff out of the house and to get his mail at his house - all things i have not wanted to let go of, out of fear of letting go of the R. If I am to give the message that I am not waiting for him to come back I need to do these things right?
That is not waiting it out IMO. How do you see me waiting it out? How can I make it further uncomfortable for him? Any more suggestions?
