Really, so when she came back did you just lay down and lose all your dignity or what? You made it to easy to come back? What exactly did you do wrong. I thought when they came back that you were supppose to be this changed nicer person. Sounds like you did that and they bored. Relationships might be just to hard for me to handle. To complex.
This morning when I came to pick up my boat she starts going over the budget with me. She explains all the different scenarios going through her head.
She's still wants badly to try and get back together, but she's afraid to sacrifice herself. She want's me to hold off on getting the rental leese signed for our house until Monday.
She wants to think this all through, because she may want to keep the house and have me move back in. Her other scenario is for us to continue to sell the house, and have us move to our rental property. It's no where as nice a place or in as nice of a place, but it's allot cheaper.
This gets more dang confusing by the day let me tell you. I don't want to make the wrong move, but I would entertain the option of us giving it another go.
Since I moved out and we stopped actively trying to work on the R the pressure has been off. We communicate better and do things together more freely than when we were trying and forcing things.
Married 18 Me 39 W 37 D 15 D 5 Divorce Filed 8 April 2010 Beginning of Reconcile 8 Sept
you keep wanting different results but you keep doing the same things, you keep asking the same questions and we keep giving you advice but you want to do things your way, something that is less frightening because you're afraid to lose her but continue to ask the same questions when you keep getting the same results.
Quote:
We communicate better and do things together more freely than when we were trying and forcing things.
Do you really believe that? Your recent posts would suggest something different, are you trying to convince us or yourself?
tbart, when I read your post from yesterday at 12:45 the first thing that popped into my head was this - Keep doing what you're doing and keep moving in the direction you are moving...detaching and moving forward without her.
robx and the others gave you awesome advice as I read through the rest of the posts.
Read robx's script over and over and over till it's burned into your brain. It's a move I wish I had made two years ago. Take the ball out of her hands - it's not like it isn't the truth.
The truth is this: You've posted over and over again how you aren't sure you even want to be with the person she has become. She gives you the impression she is closer than ever about moving back in and working on it, then the next day she's home packing her stuff to move out.
SHE tells you to hold off on signing the lease until Monday. I would go ahead and get the lease signed when you were planning on getting it signed and stop letting her control when things get done.
You have stated over and over that you are ready to move forward, you are moving forward, you have serious doubts about wanting to even be with her now, you deserve someone who wants to be with you etc....
But then, every time she drops a change on you, you're ready to drop all of this and jump right back in. Can you see the incongruence? She is testing you - whether it's on a conscious or unconscious level.
You said above -
Originally Posted By: tbart
I don't want to make the wrong move, but
Take some time and answer this question - How do you know if a move is the right or wrong one? How could you possibly know? You have no idea how anything will play out no matter which decision you make. The only way you can know what is the right move is to have some kind of set and fixed point where you make your decisions from. That's the easy part, and this is what I've learned -
You make the best decision on what is right for YOU. That's really the only indicator you can have. Even then we make mistakes and then we need to own the mistakes and make a different decision. If you keep making decisions based on how you think another person will react to your decision you're setting yourself up for constant disappointment. Not only that, but it wouldn't be YOUR life you're living. You'll be living a life that's completely based on other people.
I know it can be interpreted as being selfish, but in reality it isn't. Your wife will respect you drawing boundaries, making decisions, following through with decisions based on YOUR OWN values - regardless of the opinions of others. It's taken me 45 years to figure this out, and I'm still new to it, but you know what? I've regained my masculine power. I have regained the power that will flow through you as a man when you are lined up with, making decisions and taking action from YOUR point of power.
It can be a very hard concept to wrap your head around, but it's the solution you, me, and a ton of other people in this place need to grasp and implement.
You take the bull by the horns. You tell her you're going to lease the house out because you can't sit there and base that decision on her waffling emotions and constantly changing mind. You tell her if things will move where they move and you will take control of what is in YOUR life and no one else's.
Tell her you are unsure of the two of you. You have grown un-trusting of her position because it seems to change day to day. You know who you are and what you stand for. You aren't sure if her current state fits into the picture of your life. You need time to think, organize and make decisions about the direction you want your life to move in. Stop allowing your decisions to waffle like hers are - hers are waffling due to her own internal strife, yours are waffling due to HER decisions waffling. She's actually controlling yours. Snatch the control back.
There's nothing wrong with saying: The other day you were talking about possibly getting back together and moving back in. The next day you were packing stuff to leave. I am no longer going to allow my decisions to waffle with your day to day changing of your mind. I will make my decisions based on the fact we are separating. You can change your mind all you want, but I will continue to move in that direction regardless of your ever changing emotions. When you land 100%, without a doubt, on the direction you are totally sure you want to take, then let me know. Even then I'll keep moving this way until I feel totally assured it's the direction you want and it isn't going to change over and over. It will be up to you to find the way to convince me because I'm growing tired and weary of living like this.
Tell her the demons she is struggling with are hers to figure out. You can't help her with that because you are busy figuring your own life out.
Now that is you drawing boundaries, taking a firm stand to be true to yourself, it communicates you are tired of being jerked around from one direction to another, etc....
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
About the same post as mine. She is a liar. She tells you one thing and does something else. Let her go is what I am doing. I wouldn't take that idiot back if she begged. She did beg me back i accepted and forgave. Three days later she denied it all. I say to screw them. If they dont want the r with you then find someone else or be happy alone. It is better than the misery that all this is going to put you through. The waiting and hoping to get lied to and betrayed.
I just want t make sure I'm clear on what you guys are all saying. Are you suggesting to balk at the opportunity to get back together at this time and continue to move on?
Married 18 Me 39 W 37 D 15 D 5 Divorce Filed 8 April 2010 Beginning of Reconcile 8 Sept
well what I am saying is that anytime she brings up talk of possibly getting back together again, you tell her that it sounds like a good idea but she got you used to living apart and this whole divorce idea so you're not sure anymore if this is the right thing to do right now, you're not sure how you feel about you or her, being married, etc. you've gotten accustomed to the idea of a single life and being a single parent and you've adjusted and you've maintained a decent attitude throughout all of it and maybe you need some space and time to think about things.
It's a soft rejection, since she flip flops on her own idea several times, you start doing the same and watch her push the idea of getting back together with you even stronger than before. Let her come up with the reasons why you should be together and work it out.
I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?
