Most of that is script Antonia.. all of us have heard it or a verison of it...
The "the affair is not the reason our marriage isn't working" is a CLASSIC... Its in the FIRST PARAGRAPH of Divorce Remedy in the FIRST CHAPTER...
MWD Starts DR OFF with that line... its a CLASSIC
All he's donig is putting up an emotional way to avoid his pain. That's all he's doing... You have to break that wall down... But you have to get the affair out of the way first.
Ok it is now 9 days since I contacted him in any way or responded to anythng from him. The longest ever in 23 years that we've been out of contact. It really is tough. Though I do know that contacting him won't solve anything. It's just hard to imagine that this may very well be what has to happen for the rest of our lives.
Sometimes I feel like this whole thing is one sick game of chicken, or like a simple argument that got so out of control that he is forcing to an unbelievable level. Early on he said to me after he told me about the OW that as hard as it was, that he had to "accept the reality that he had created", and I just keep thinking, "why? why could you not say that reality was the wrong path and just stop what you were doing then?" I've heard him say he thinks he "deserves" to lose me because what he did was unforgivable, that he "isn't worthy of my forgiveness", so with that in his head, no wonder he is pushing on with the affair, because he thinks it is all he has as an option.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Antonia, he's rationalizing an addiction.. That's all...
You need to STOP listening to what he's saying.. It's NONSENSE and it won't help you.. That's right out of DR.. Ignore 100% of what he tells you.
I am telling you the same thing. He's rationalizing an addiction.
The addiction is the problem, not some twisted piece of logic he has in his head. It's a vicious selfish addiction that must be driven out of him.
Just remember that as tough as it is on you, its tough on him too.. That's the point... It's tough on both of you, but YOU aren't exposed to his addiction directly anymore.
You need to focus on enjoying your time away from the addiction and let it slowly destroy him until he decides if he wants to climb out of the grave he's digging for himself and be a man or go down swinging like a child.
Yeah Allen I know you are right. I think the 64,000 dollar question though is why? Why is he in this addiction? This is a person who was an amazing and loving and perfect husband for 21 or so years. A person who could never for one second even consider an act like this or a pattern of behavior that was so destructive to both of us. I mean he is unrecognizable. And if it were the OW first, like if that were the REASON that we were separated last year, I might be able to understand the behavior, but it wasn't, it was the whole MLC thing last year going on for a year BEFORE the OW became part of it, now she is just the final chapter. Back during the initial part of his MLC, pre-OW, he kept saying he just thought that his unhappiness meant that every decision he'd ever made was wrong, so he needed to destroy everything he was in order to rebuild himself (including the marriage). I just can't get what would possess someone to have such thoughts. We would not be here were it not for that mindset that an otherwise really happy and settled person developed. It's insanity.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
And if it were the OW first, like if that were the REASON that we were separated last year, I might be able to understand the behavior, but it wasn't, it was the whole MLC thing last year going on for a year BEFORE the OW became part of it, now she is just the final chapter. Back during the initial part of his MLC, pre-OW, he kept saying he just thought that his unhappiness meant that every decision he'd ever made was wrong, so he needed to destroy everything he was in order to rebuild himself (including the marriage). I just can't get what would possess someone to have such thoughts. We would not be here were it not for that mindset that an otherwise really happy and settled person developed. It's insanity.
And how do you know for sure when OW1 started? Or that there wasn't an OW1a before her?
Well, there is one main reason I am sure and I know that probably you'll disagree with me, but I believe him and actually our friends believe him that this girl was the only one and that his confession is a full confession.
The very first time I confronted him on the possibility of the OW, he told me yes immediately. I didn't have to drag it out of him. I asked a billion questions and he told me everything but her name. (I figured out who she was later anyway and told him it was her and he agreed). After he told me, he said that he remembered me saying many times during our marriage that this type of breach of trust would make me file for divorce, and so would I be filing? I said no I would not. He asked why and I said because I wanted to try to work it out. He was completely in shock, saying that this info was supposed to make ME be the one to file. I said it didn't work because I am pro-marriage and want to overcome obstacles.
He keeps saying he is going to file and that is the best thing for us, and he is committed to living apart and "moving on", but yet he hasn't filed. I had said that if there were "more to the story with the OW" than the tame affair I'd been told about, or if there were "other women" from the past or a pattern of behavior, that I would feel differently and would be the one to end it and file, but still, he insists that I know everything.
I just feel like if there were more he'd tell me if only to make it easier on him, because then I'd take care of the whole breakup for him instead of making him be the one to end it.
So for now I'm living as if we are divorced anyway and all but done with a property settlement, but the actual divorce has never been filed. You know now that I've removed his "safety net" by not having any contact with him, maybe that WILL move him to file because his cake-eating is over.
Last edited by AntoniaB; 07/18/1001:51 PM.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
So, you're going by what a known LIAR has told you.
That's obviously your choice, and I was only chiming in because you said it would be easier on you if you knew it started earlier. I'm telling you, after studying literally thousands of affairs the past six years: I'd be STUNNED if his infidelity didn't start sooner, either with this OW or with someone else, based on what you've told us about his behavior.
Quote:
I just feel like if there were more he'd tell me if only to make it easier on him, because then I'd take care of the whole breakup for him instead of making him be the one to end it.
You're free to FEEL that way, Antonia, but you'd be better off to study MLC and infidelity, and go by what you OBSERVE about their FACTS, rather than go by your FEELINGS. If you do, you'll see that this is pretty much standard "script."
And this is also based on your H's assessment of his fidelity. A lot of people don't think they are cheating until they actually have intercourse. Even today the idea of an emotional affair is still new. The internet is making this more a known thing. But people over 40 and into 50 still think of an affair as something that happens physically rather than emotionally.
The current research says different.
Your H may have had emotional affairs or flirted a lot over the years but he doesn't think much of it so isn't mentioning it.
Along with puppy's first point. You are basing your info on the testomony of a known liar. He's not in his right head at the moment. He will lie to cover up the mess if he can.
It's clear he's miserable and using her as an escape. That' won't last and you know it.
Just enjoy your life in the meantime and do what you can to keep his family pressuring him. Even if that pressure is to IGNORE his calls and refuse contact with him too make sure they are sticking to that.
The affair will fall apart on its on... Almost all of them do. Particularly if they are under a lot of pressure. That pressure speeds up the end of the affair. Keep it in secret to protect it and it will run for years.
Pressure on his family just fails at every attempt. His family has never been that close to either of us as it is and in fact his mother in particular never wanted him to marry me. She did a lot to try to keep us apart because I was not the type of daughter in law she wanted (she wanted barefoot and pregnant not a career person without kids). I've left voice messages and emails to them; they do not respond. Only one of his siblings responded to an email to me, and she said "you deserve better; divorce him." As a result, she isn't pressuring him to end the affair. She just told me to get away from him and find someone else. He has spun the story to his family as if to suggest that this was coming for him--the breakup--even if there was no OW, and they seem to believe him and have accepted that the marriage is over, hence, they don't return my phone calls. So the pressure part, exposure part, it just isn't working. It is getting around to people now that we are separated, but most don't know why, but the fact is that no one seems to care enough to call him out. The presence of marital breakups and affairs is so more common around his coworkers than intact marriages that people just seem to find it all titillating and not something to condemn. Even our closest friends will not take a stand. I've asked repeatedly and none will put pressure on him. There seem to be very few moral people left in this world.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
