This is the question you ask yourself once the affair is busted. Right now you want to fight the affair whether you want him back or not. There's a threat to your daughter right now and that needs dealt with. If the affair falls apart and you ultimately decide to bounce him that's great, your daughter can understand that. If you are gonna exit a marriage, there's a classy way to end it and there's an ugly way to end it. Your husband's going for ugly and he's all in.
MWD made a point in an article once, I can't remember where I read it. It was in response to the qestion : What should we look for in a mate.
Her response first challenged everything previously said : things in common, physical attractiveness, money, sense of humour, etc. She waived all that off.
Then she came in with the usual punch she's known for : maturity in a crisis. This is the most important thing you want to look for in a mate. You want to see someone who can summon very high maturity in a crisis. This, and only this, will tell you if they will be there when things get difficult. The rest is great, but its all the good stuff. What about when things get bad? That's when its most important that he hang around. And that's when most of them run. You want someone who won't run. Don't you?
I will also say this Mel. If your H DOES come back, he will be more educated and experienced in this mess than a random choice from the street.
If when he does come back he is willing to do all the readings and educate himself fully to compliment the destructive experience he's had he will be armed and ready and I would say LESS likely to do this again than someone else.
Your daughter will be upset you two divorced. But she's better off being from a broken home than IN ONE.
If you can bring her a single home family that works together that's ideal. Just remember divorce is better than keeping her in a war zone overlong.
But, your H's living elsewhere, so the problem is minimized for her to a degree. Your H just has to at the very least find the maturity to not expose OW to his DD at all.
I think if you write down all the things she's asking and saying it might shake some sense into him.
Note : the success rates for affair couples is less than 1%. Long term commitment is hard enough. If you bundle that up with child custody, no family support, a history with your LBS of lies and sleazy behaviour to own up to. Not to mention a questionable maturity level for both you and your spouse... It's next to impossible.
That affair will fall apart Mel. The question is "where do you want to be when that happens?"
