WHY DO WE DO IT?

[TimeHeals]

It sure looks like it is just up to me to stay cool and hope for the best and plan for the worst, huh?

What about her family? Any pro-M folks there?

If I could go back and do things over completely, I'd have taken a tougher stance from the onset: expose, confront, tell my W that I can't live this way and even help her pack to move out, and then go pitch black.

You have kids, so that's tougher, but if you can find a responsible intermediary who won't bend your ear with talk of your spouse to handle exchanges regarding the kids, I now feel that would be best so that you can heal without getting to the point where you think Divorce is probably best before you are healed.

Does OM have a wife? If so, telling her is the right thing to do.

As for charity work, is there anything you can do WITH your kids? How about kid stuff like Scouts, etc?

The key to healing is going to be doing as little thinking about your W as possible.

You will have plenty of time when healed to ponder and learn from this experience. For now you need to reclaim your strength.

[navajo]

Well, as I said in the previous post, her family isn't really going to be any help I am afraid. Also, the OM is not married as he has admitted to my W that he has cheated on both wives and every girlfriend he's ever had! Sounds like a real prize, huh?

Honestly, I am quickly getting to the "drop the rope" point. Let me state this for the record, though... IF the girl I fell head over heels for and married EVER shows back up, I will do everything in my power to win her back!

Now, having said that, the person that I see now LOOKS and sounds like her but is NOTHING like her. I'm not really sure I'd ever even want to be friends with someone so shallow and flighty!

Anyhow, that's where I stand for today. Been a bit cranky today but not too much. Finishing up the Db book and have the DR book to begin next. We'll see where this wild ride ends up I guess.

[navajo]

OK, now I have one more question (for now!).

We are supposed to get togther Wednesday night to sit through a required 1 hour internet class. Now, I have been reading on here and some say to act cheerful and pay attention when talking together and some say to not make eye contact and stay detached and cool.

I can handle the cool part in short spurts and then find something else to go do away from her, but sitting side by side for an hour... any coaching ideas?

[sandi2]

Now, I have been reading on here and some say to act cheerful and pay attention when talking together and some say to not make eye contact and stay detached and cool.

Yes,there seems quite a bit of misunderstanding. Here's the thing....you don't act so cheerful you appear to be goofy. Some LBH's try too hard and it makes them appear to be downright stupid. That is a turn-off to anyone who is halfway normal....so a WAW falls in that percentage somewhere.

Neither is "detaching" meant to be rude behavior. That is what a lot of people don't get. If you act like you are in junior high and ignoring her while she's sitting right next to you....she will just shake her head at your games. So don't do either of those actions, okay?

Let's say she was your younger female counsin. How would you treat a younger, wayward, counsin who you had to sit through an hour of watching some program? You would politely tollerate her. No rude behavior, but you aren't really into her. She doesn't have your heart, mind & soul in her back pocket. You are relaxed, polite, can even smile if it's the right time. But....and here's the big thing....you do not over-kill. You don't act all happy, gleeful jumping up and kicking your boots b/c you get to sit with her for an hour. Does that make it a little more clear?

Detaching is an attitude. It's like you have dropped the rope you had tied around her and she's free to fly away. You don't get all bent out of shape over her. She doesn't affect you. When you "really" get to the detachment stage....you'll know it. Until then, you fake it till you make it.

[navajo]

Ahhh. Thanks Sandi. I think I might have been over doing it a bit lately with the detatchment because i really don't like the way she has been acting and she is still in the EA.

I'll try to be happy and easy going but not bubbley tomorrow. I guess one way to look at it is to just "make the best of it", huh?

Thanks for the perspective!

[navajo]

Well, the class went as well as could be expected. At one point when she was having to answer questions about her mother that just passed, she started crying and held my hand. I let her as I would also have let a "wayward female cousin" (HA!) until she composed herself. We only snapped at each other once (over finances, go figure).

Then the next evening one of my female friend came over to clip my dog while she was here and we had a great time. I was nothing but charming and funny (with the friend) while acknowloging my W occasionally when she interjected.

Then Friday night after work, I met up with a friend of mine who I haven't seen in years and hung out at a bar and grill. It was very nice! Also doesn't hurt that she's a very cute redhead. Nothing ever happened there nor will as she is married (as am I so far). I know this got the W curiosity up since I didn't come home until after she'd left.

Anyhow, on to the next sitch.

I got an email from W last night saying she didn't think I should list just my children as my beneficiaries since my S is 13 and D is 18. She doesn't think my D is responsible enough to handle it if anything should happen to me. I honestly don't know if she's fishing to try to get me to change it back to her as my beneficiary or if she is really concerned about the kids.

Then she said we need to get together and talk soon away from the kids... Sound ominous...dun dun dun!!! I ignored the emails last night but did answer this morning that I had taken the steps I felt necessary with the beneficiary paperwork and asked her what else we could possibly have to talk about right now. Haven't heard back yet.

Any input?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Offer a beneficiary other than solely the kids, but other than her. That should tell you all you need to know about what her motives are. I do think there is something to be said for setting it up so that a young adult can't access their funds, without some input and control from a custodian, until, say, age 25.

I suspect that THIS:

Then she said we need to get together and talk soon away from the kids...

Has something to do with THIS:

Then the next evening one of my female friend came over to clip my dog while she was here and we had a great time. I was nothing but charming and funny (with the friend) while acknowloging my W occasionally when she interjected.

Then Friday night after work, I met up with a friend of mine who I haven't seen in years and hung out at a bar and grill. It was very nice! Also doesn't hurt that she's a very cute redhead. Nothing ever happened there nor will as she is married (as am I so far). I know this got the W curiosity up since I didn't come home until after she'd left.

Puppy

[navajo]

It would seem you are correct. Here is what I just got via email:

W - "How we got to this and if there is any part of our relationship that is salvageable."

My reply:
"The only way I can even think about that right now is if you will answer the following question honestly:

Are you still having an affair?"

I haven't gotten a reply to that one yet...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

It's good that you bounce it right back to her. Just DON'T rely upon her being HONEST with you in her answer, as the basis for your decision-making.

Here is your "gold" reply to just about anything at this CRUCIAL stage:

"I'm not sure how I feel about things right now"

or

"I'm really not sure WHAT I want to do now"

or

"I've still got some thinking to do."

What you DON'T want to do -- and the mistake that nearly every newcomer makes -- is to, upon the very first sign of a move by her back towards your marriage, immediately JUMP and start trying to fix things and go all "melty man" on her.

STAY COOL, NAV!!!

Let us know what she says.

Puppy

[navajo]

No no no. I will NOT be trying to make up until she PROVES to me that it is over (if she says it is). And honestly, as I've said here before, i don't think I really like the person she is right now so some changes will have to be made on both our sides before I will even consider trying again. I am cautiously optimistic though. However, in my gut, I think she is still in the A and is just wanting me back as a "friend". Ain't gonna happen!

I'll post the reply if I ever get one. she seems to be ignoring it right now though. she answered the first email within seconds, now, I've been waiting 15 minutes and nothing.

My S and I are headed out to go hiking so will check back in later and update.

Thanks for checking back in Pup!