Lotus, bless your heart! I'm so glad you are not holding your tongue. I like straightforward feedback, especially in my tendency to fall into denial around my relationship with H. I really needed your words of encouragement tonight. Iwas feeling really down. Thank you.
So that's one vote for moving on sooner rather than later. And I can do them on my terms. With a fight. But perhaps it's time I finally fought instead of being a doormat.
I'm just saying a court battle is going to be ugly, not to mention expensive.
I have gone dim and yet I know I can do more to "dump" him (how do you dump the one who dumped you? I guess its all in the attitude). But I'm talking full force move toward D and the court battles scare me!
Or is that more excuses and denial? Why do I constantly question if this is abusive, see it from his side, deny how much I have been hurt, make excuses for him? Why does part of me still idealize him and our M?
Well my father was a drug addict (not heavy, but enough to tune out and have some anger issues - mostly pot but all day every day and probably harder stuff when I was little, I don't remember) and my mother severely mentally ill.
So,,,, um, yea, I'm in Alanon. lol
Thank you for the reminders. You are helping me more than you know tonight.
I suggest that you talk to Donna...Found. I'm not sure which forum she is in, probably Divorced but not done or something like that. She has struggled with this ACOA stuff for a while. She may have some insights for you.
Hey Hope, I think moving on is for the best as well. He is abusive, and cruel to his S, and you will survive this and grow.
I asked my H to move out tonight--and he said he would take care of it. Mine is abusive as well. There is a time to think about yourself and your S, as I will be doing with mine. My precious boy does NOT need to grow up learning how to be like this. I want him to at least have a chance to have a good marriage--with this man there is no role model of that!
If I get sad, I have promised myself some therapy for ME--not to get this guy to take me back, but to figure out WHY in heaven's name I would want him back??!
Mine's been no good for a long time. Yours hasn't either. We need to let them go...
BA - no prob! I'm due for a new thread anyhow. Also, I think many people are confused as to what piecing actually means! lol
Laura! OMG! I'm so proud of you. It is easier for me to consider D as we are already separated. However, your H has seemed really abusive and I'm so glad you are standing firm for yourself. I see a long and happy future with your son, your "new" home, and yourself with peace and respect. You deserve so much better.
I know how hard it is. Keep on focus. My H is now so "nice" and "civil." It's hard for me to not just feel relieved and take up hope again in our future. But I need to remember he could be being insincere for many reasons - sensing a fight and a D in me, glad to be away from me and therefor more patient, fulfilled with OW, whatever. I need to remember I still shake when I think of seeing him and that the niceness is new and probably only temporary. I need to continue to fight.
So while I"m sitting here planning my big dump/divorce strategy, H strangely continues his niceness. Today when I answered S's question about "where did the first person come from" I gave a brief kindergarten answer about how first there were apes, then apepeople, then people. H immediately states how that isn't how it is blah blah blah and his lecture about evolution.
I was reminded of the conversation a month or so back when S asked about "even and odd" numbers and H criticized me about how I was telling him all wrong, etc....so I simply said that my answer was just a simple one that I thought S could understand. Unlike the last time, H says "I didn't mean to say that you were WRONG" and I kept silent. Then he owns up, "I guess me saying you were wrong multiple times might have sounded that way."
WTF! How many months, years, have I asked him to speak to me nicely and with respect? Now that I'm pulling back he's doing it on his own? Can't fall for it can't fall for it, want to fall for it can't fall for it...
more stuff like that today. Always, when H is around, I unconsciously do things that push his anger/irritation buttons. Usually it's around disorganization, losing/breaking/spilling things. I've suffered hours of yelling over such things.
My life is much better these days with him not around. But of course today I magically lose my phone and H gets a call from the finder. I freeze with panic. He seems to be calm and says "Why are you getting upset? I'm trying to help you?" This sounds like typical abuser talk - he has no idea why I'm upset, and it's my oversensitivity, not his behavior that is stirring me up. But I"m also relieved to have a calm H. So I tell him honestly, "these things only happen when you are around now. I"m not blaming you, but I unconsciously fear that you will think/tell me 'I'm a f... up, I'm disorganized, I can't get it together,'etc." He says, "Sor-ry... I don't mean to upset you." Slight sarcasm, but a bit lightly.
Now, of course, these are the kinds of respectful words and calm tone I have longed to hear for over a year. But my mother says, he still can't admit that his reactive behavior has "trained" me to panic at the littlest "mistake." So I have to not fall for it! If I could count on this kind of support and these kind words, I wouldn't have had the problems I have had in our M. And I am not blaming him, but more responsibility from his side is necessary.
Also, he has lied to me and could be again, I have to remind myself of this. He could be putting on a "I'm not such a bad guy" act since he senses my pullback. It could be masking true irritation and anger. I don't know. The not knowing is the problem.
Oh this sucks! I can't be pulled into the hope that he's "coming around" or he's "getting it" or "taking responsibility" because I have had times when I thought that was happening before and wham it all came back.
Like when he said he was working in MC to see if we could reconsile, and as soon as the legal separation was signed, he bought an airplane, said he wasn't coming back, and that he's had a gf for a year. Yea, I won't forget that this time!!
