Still trying to find my way

[Mystik]

H called at 8 this morning on my cell phone, left a voice mail for DS asking DS to call him back, said he wanted to talk to him and missed him. I played the message for DS who told me that when he's with his daddy and I leave a message and he hears my voice it makes him cry because he misses me. I asked if hearing Daddy's voice makes him cry when he's with me and he said no. After about half an hour DS called H back, I gave him privacy and he came and got me when he was done, less than five minutes later. I hope that H thinks about how he misses DS and he could be here with him right now had he made different choices.

[Vulcanized]

Hugs, Mystik.

I really like Bluestar's last post to you. There's a lot of great suggestions in there. After reading it, I couldn't think of a single thing to add.

Hang in there. It gets better.

[Mystik]

Ruined, definitely trying to hang in there.

[Mystik]

If only life was as simple as it is to a 6 year old. He has a very simple solution to my heartache: find a new boyfriend and marry him because his daddy lost me. I told him that sometimes it's harder on mommys than it is on kids when the daddy leaves. And that I don't want to get married to anyone else right now.

[Mystik]

I am feeling so desperately lonely and sad right now. I miss my husband. I miss his texts, miss his calls. Miss being able to sit and chat with him. I have a hollow spot in my chest, where part of me is missing. And that part is him and his love. I have a genuine physical ache that is there more than it's not, an ache and tightness of breathing that I am learning to live with. I don't think they're ever going to go away.

I want to ask God why. What did I do so wrong to deserve being hurt so badly. I know God didn't "let" this happen, it was H's free will and his choices. But still, what did I do to deserve this? This wasn't supposed to happen to us, we were the strong couple, the ones who were so in love that nothing could break us apart. I do not handle change well unless I instigate it. And this change is not one I ever even considered having happen, so to have it happen and happen so harshly, it's hard for me to take it all in and be ok with it. I keep thinking back over our relationship and see so many things I did wrong. What I wouldn't give for a time machine to go back and do it all over again now that I know the DB principles.

And why does my heart still choose to love him? Why am I so compelled to fight for a marriage that H has made clear he no longer wants? He has moved on and is happy, meanwhile I'm left, devastated, to pick up the pieces of my life and try to put it back together. Only it's like Humpty Dumpty, with all the king's horses and all the king's men it can't be put back together again.

[courageous wife]

Hi Mystik

Just wanting to send you some (((hugs))).

Can you so something nice for yourself this evening? Maybe a nice, long bath or somthing???

It does get easier..I promise!

[Mystik]

No long hot baths here. Even if my tub was big enough for me to comfortably lounge in DS does not understand the concept of privacy. We're going to bed relatively soon, I expect. Hoping tomorrow I'll be numbed up to get through the day at work.

[Mystik]

Overslept again, I think it's from getting up too early this weekend, I was up by 7 both days. On my way to work, hoping for but at the same time scared of an e-mail from H. Feeling a bit numb, should be enough to get me through the day.

[Mystik]

E-mailed H today the amount he owes me and a list breaking down how I came to that amount. He replied saying that I could take the time to do all that but couldn't take the time to answer his e-mail. I replied to him saying the list was already made up, and that I didn't realize he was expecting a response, then asked when he would be able to pay me back. He hadn't answered as of the time I left for work.

He called when I was driving home from work, let my voice mail get it. He left a message saying he wanted to get DS tomorrow instead of Wednesday, I waited about a half hour then called him, said it was fine with me if he took DS tomorrow instead of Wednesday. Asked if he was still taking DS to his appointment on Thursday, he said he would and I could meet them at the counselors to get DS as soon as his appointment was over. I agreed to that.

So now H is getting extra time with DS because I had originally expected him to take DS Thursday instead of Wednesday. Now he's taking him Tuesday and Thursday.

[bluestar]

Did he say why he wanted the extra time? You realize you can say no. You do not have to allow it. Until the counseling is more established, it may be more beneficial for your S to stick to the schedule.