So I have eliminated so much contact, but while reading through this forum, I see I am still in minimal contact and I see how this is dangerous.
First of all, H stopped staying overnight here - he was doing so "for S's sake" and a few other pathetic reasons he spouted such as there's a tv here and not at his bachelor pad, and that "I wasn't going to tell him he couldn't stay in his own house." Anyhow, that's gone so there's no time that we are alone together without S.
Secondly, I stopped phone contact. If he calls, I don't answer or call back. I txt only and after waiting hours. Keep it very brief and only about S scheduling.
We have stopped MC. His choice, but ok, it fits with my new MO.
However, I still see him - sometimes with S, as I am concerned about his anger problems and emotional abuse where S and I are concerned _ my MamaBear instinct feels the need to keep a careful watch and yes I have had to intervene a few times.
And I was feeling immediate relief and relaxation because of the cut off contact. I see why NC is for me.
HOwever, the minimal contact I have with him has gone from hostile, blaming, venting, angry, and frankly abusive to calm, polite, civil, even bordering on nice. I have not let it sway me in my actions, but I see how much harder it is for me. I feel depressed after seeing him because it seems to be "going well". etc.
AFter reading some of Allen's posts, I regret the past (over a) year where I have continued as much contact as possible, tried to be the "perfect wife" in all the ways I thought I had previously made mistakes, "trying to communicate" and generally showing how available I was and how I was holding out for reconsiliation. I just read Allen's post about the tightrope/safety net analogy and can't get over the horrible realization that I made H's affair more attractive and easy. Terrible feeling.
But...to cut off ALL contact = a) would this have any effect at this late point? b) what do I do about the emotional abuse I worry about when H is alone withs S5? c) If I were to get a new phone and email, and change the locks, etc, how would I communicate with H about S scheduling, etc?
d)Also in my state, our SA insists on 50-50 physical custody and the only way I could try to change it is to prove abuse - something hard to do without bruises and with a little boy who is just thrilled at this point when daddy shows up at all, will cost me a lot of money I don't have, and may start a fight that makes me look bad in court as well if H pulls out all the dirty stops. He's not beyond lying, and, I have not been a saint in our marriage anyhow.
I like having S5 at home in his own bed - as it stands H only takes him one night per week, and comes here to put him to bed and take him to school the next morning two other days. I frankly wish he wouldn't but he insists. (Vent: of course I have S all weekend every weekend so H can party and see his OW -- ie carry on his addictions).
