He can't discuss coparenting when I am the only one with a problem and he's pushing through bully tactics and legal threats to have his way or the high way. We have been in MC as basically a mediator since Dec and H has promptly forgotten every bit of advice give, including things that make S's life more calm, peaceful and happy. I have gone that route and if he is determined to fight instead of listen and comprimise and communicate on basic civil terms about our son I'm wasting time and money and will only chose a lawyer.
Hope, I really think you should give the idea of working with a psychologist on coparenting more of a chance.
The "agenda" of the MC was working on your M -- but that was a goal that you had and your H didn't. From his perspective, any insight gained from MC about parenting, may have been tainted by the focus on working on your M...something that he didn't want. Your MC may not have been in a position to make recommendations that might have been good for your S but not good for the possibility of reconciliation (like no contact, etc).
The agenda of working on coparenting *assumes* divorce and looking at a future as divorced parents. That is the operating assumption. And I assume that the conversations and focus would be *very* different than MC with a side of helping S in the situation. With a baseline of your accepting the D and working with H to make it work for S, you may find that there's an opportunity for more progress in the area of coparenting.
Do you feel that you can be really clear about the difference between:
1. believing that reconciliation is the best choice for S and working towards that for his benefit
and
2. accepting D, and working on how to create the best life for S as divorced parents?
I don't want to trivialize the serious concerns you have about your H's behaviours and S' well-being with your H. But IMO a coparenting psychologist may be able to help you navigate what's best for your child rather than a L and a court. Often the psychologist will talk to the child individually as well. It's very hard for you to be objective here because you are dealing with the trauma of being emotionally abused yourself. It might be hard to clearly see what your S' best interest is here?
I'm just putting that out there as food for thought.
You're making huge strides and I'm proud of you. Right now "doing what works" is doing what creates the maximum peace for you and S right now, without tolerating abuse. You're in a very difficult situation and I know there aren't any easy answers.
(((hugs)))
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
That would be great, FM, but H is unwilling either to go to MC or even sit in a room with me and have anything but a trivial conversation. Anything having to do with parenting gets him defensive and aggresively abusive instantly. He laughs off the thought of even needing to discuss parenting issues. I know. I have been trying for months.
Of course I'm far beyond all of this now. I "thought" I was piecing a long time ago, but this has not been my focus for many months. You wouldn't know that perhaps because I"m mostly staying off the boards. I am completely looking toward what is best for my son - and have been in MC. And that means my S not seeing his mother verbally and emotionally abused. PERIOD.
I'm really sorry that your H isn't able to focus on parenting . That is a horrible situation, one that so many LBW are dealing with.
It sounds like you're handling things really well Hope. It can't be easy. (((hugs)))
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Hey Hope, I'm soooo sorry your H is continuing to be damaging not only to you, but to your S as well.
For whatever reason, I wasn't able to stick up for myself. But when it got bad for my S, a rage came up inside me like I have never known. I am sooo glad it did--and glad to see it coming up in you. This is our "mamma bear" mode. We should have it for OURSELVES as well! I'm not sure why mine is "broke" or something...
Because my H will not do a thing ..nothing..nada.. in counseling, or counselor dropped us last week!! I guess I can see his point--H is doing nothing but constantly tells the C he is "done". I wanted to say "his actions do NOT indicate he is "done", just his words (and doesn't this C know to not believe 90% of what they say???)
Meanwhile, on Friday he tells me I can have our handyman remove the other set of pocket doors and put molding around the dining room and office--so WTF!!! I have gotten MORE done around this place in the last month than in the last 6 years.
I am about to go get him a new mattress--he was in so much pain yesterday from a "pulled muscle" in his shoulder and I KNOW that mattress is shot! I moved out of that room and I am sleeping so much better.
A part of me is so fearful, but....it's almost a flppin sign from GOD that it needs to be done....
My S is away at camp for a week. I am sort of "depressed" right now but "momma bear" is lurking in me....
Yes, well I have been doing a huge shift these past few weeks as you all can tell. I've been set to move on, get a good lawyer to fight for more custody, call H on his emotional abuse and anger issues.
I've not communicated this to him. I have not communicated much. He has stopped sleeping here and I am experiencing far more peace and fewer panic attacks. I have cut communication to a minimum - only text and email and keeping it very breif and business like, as well as not responding immediately.
And what does H do? He's been calmer and nicer. I am trying to stop all my thoughts that try to guess what I'm doing to cause a shift in him. My old pattern is to say , hey, he's getting the message, this DB is working, there's hope he'll reconsile.
I'm fighting that urge. I was duped big time a number of times over the past year when H seemed to be coming closer and then found out he had no plans to be with me ever again, and the anger and abuse returned.
So I'm trying to hold my ground - hey, he could be in a good mood because he asked OW to marry him for all I know. So I'm writing this to remind myself and ask you all to keep me focussed on me and my son and standing up for us.
If we are to ever reconsile, I need to hold my boundaries much more firm this time. He has to really try, really express over a long period that he's sure he wants this, admit his part, leave OW for good. Despite myself, I must hold firm to these boundaries in my mind. And, he needs to continue to communicate in a calm and nice way. I can't allow myself to be pacified once again by a week of decent behavior. That bar is too low.
Hey Hope, I SOOO encourage you to get Dr. Dobson's book "Love must be Tough".
I have learned just an absolute ton about myself and why being weak (and not enforcing boundaries) is SO detrimental to a R. I got it 3 days ago and I believe my life has changed forever because of it.
You are so right--do not mindread--just enjoy the peace!!! Focus on you, your journey, your S who must be feeling less tensions as well...
Becoming strong will always bring you respect. Don't mindread, but your new attitude is refreshing and interesting--heck--I'm AMAZED at your transformation. It is hard to miss!! So keep it up, let it work to your advantage, and again, no mindreading and just keep on going forward.
I love to read the "new Hope" stuff--so keep posting!! It's inspiring!
He has stopped sleeping here and I am experiencing far more peace and fewer panic attacks. I have cut communication to a minimum - only text and email and keeping it very breif and business like, as well as not responding immediately.
I'm SO glad you're less anxious. This is huge progress for you in your sitch! Anything to decrease stress is awesome.
Quote:
And what does H do? He's been calmer and nicer. I am trying to stop all my thoughts that try to guess what I'm doing to cause a shift in him. My old pattern is to say , hey, he's getting the message, this DB is working, there's hope he'll reconsile.
I'm fighting that urge. I was duped big time a number of times over the past year when H seemed to be coming closer and then found out he had no plans to be with me ever again, and the anger and abuse returned.
So I'm trying to hold my ground - hey, he could be in a good mood because he asked OW to marry him for all I know. So I'm writing this to remind myself and ask you all to keep me focussed on me and my son and standing up for us.
I think this is really healthy for you as part of detaching. All of us do that second-guessing and I haven't heard it help one of us - including me!- yet. Who knows why they do what they do. But it's interesting, you seem to have the same inclination I do: to believe that whatever they do, we either provoked it, somehow influenced it, or they're reacting to us. I guess they may be, but since their "reaction" wouldn't always be rational anyway, we need to try to disconnect what we do with what they do b/c that false sense of control- that we're causing them to do stuff- is just that, false.
Quote:
If we are to ever reconsile, I need to hold my boundaries much more firm this time. He has to really try, really express over a long period that he's sure he wants this, admit his part, leave OW for good. Despite myself, I must hold firm to these boundaries in my mind. And, he needs to continue to communicate in a calm and nice way. I can't allow myself to be pacified once again by a week of decent behavior. That bar is too low.
I agree, it's too low, and you deserve much more, Hope. I'm glad to see your inner strength coming through. Keep us posted, ok?
((((Hope))))
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
So, the calm continues. Not much drama. First time in....since ever. The honeymoon of being alone with myself is coming to an end. What is left in the place of all the drama is emptiness. Sadness. Tears. Depression. Anger. Its much easier to be fired up to stand up for myself when there's something to stand up against. The silence from H is scary. My mind has more free time to imagine all the great times H is having with OW.
It's thrown me off. Do I continue to move forward with D? Do I continue to fight for custody and push D to a conclusion? Do I ask him to get his stuff out by a certain date?
Or do I let it sit quietly for a while, hoping my dimness has some effect down the line - hoping he is finally faced with himself and the choices he's made and comes a bit out of the fog? Do I console myself that we are still legally M and that only when alone can he face his demons, stop blaming them on me, and perhaps come around someday?
I read about people who reconsile after two or more years. Do I want to wait it out? Or do I gather the reigns and direct the horse to jump off the cliff? My decision will determine my next thread, obviously I need a new one. lol.
Thoughts folks? Support needed tonight. Very very sad and confused.
I have read your thread on and off for a while. And I have held my tongue. Because I always thought you had an abusive husband and you should get rid of him. Which is not a nice thing to say to someone hoping to reconcile. But since you are finally dropping the rope, I feel like I can finally say it. You will look back at this time in a year or two, and you will wonder what took you so long...Why you tried to hold onto a man who was so mean and selfish. H4L, you will find love again, and you will build a happy and healthy family. Just not with that man. You will find someone so much better that you will wonder whatever you were thinking. And you will not be jealous of OW or whoever he is with next, because you will be happy that you moved on to a better life.
A lot of people think they need to change threads when the situation changes. I don't believe that. If your friends are here, why not stay here? Surely it doesn't come as a surprise to anyone reading Piecing that not every marriage is saved. You still have a lot of insight and experience that you can bring to the process when others ask questions. Stay true to yourself. You will win in the end.
. That is a horrible situation, one that so many LBW are dealing with.