I know it's been a while since my last posting. Just been dealing with stuff ... getting used to the part time schedule with the kids; dealing with the volatility of w's moods. There are times when she's sweet as pie ... others when she's spewing hate when she's not getting her way in pushing the D forward.
There have been days when I've actually sat with her and enjoyed her company ... could sit and talk for hours as friends. But she'll turn the the D papers ... wanting me to sign ... pushing to get this done ... acting though giving this to her would be like Christmas Day. Then I can't stand to be around her. I can't stand to be in her presence.
She's finally pushed her way to finalizing a decree. I told her what I would agree to w/o a fight (in the courts), especially regarding joint custody w/ the kids and child support. Now she wants me to sign the decree agreement, and I had to say no. I had to let her know that a decree means I agree to D and that this relationship is w/o reconciliation.
I had to let her know that my finger prints are not going to be on what she it doing. This is her initiative. Her doing. I am sticking my vows ... for better or for worse. Signing her decree would mean that I am breaking my vow--to her, and most of all--to God.
I realize when it gets to court I will have no choice. I'll only sign papers at the order of a judge ... it'll be a judge and her who will end my marriage ... not me. To do any less would be to tell God that I've stopped trusting Him. Stopped hoping in Him.
This of course has not settled well with her. She's threatening to get a lawyer if it goes to "trial". The money that she will spend on a lawyer she'll blame me for taking away from her kids' vacation. Even though I've let her know that I've had my lawyer review her terms and everything looks agreeable. All she really needs to do is amend her filing to what she has in the decree, and I will have my lawyer issue a withdraw. It will then be me and her and the terms we agreed to out of court. And the judge can finish it.
But for some reason she wants me to sign the decree ... mutually agree ... and be done. Otherwise, hold "all I've put her and the kids through because I would not agree" over my head for the rest of whatever.
But I make my stand. It's not about me and her so much anymore. It's about my commitment to God. It's about me and God. Somehow, in the midst of this Hell on Earth--there's remarkable peace in that.
You know I wondered what happened to you. Glad to see that you are back.
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But she'll turn the the D papers ... wanting me to sign ... pushing to get this done ... acting though giving this to her would be like Christmas Day. Then I can't stand to be around her. I can't stand to be in her presence.
If she can still push these buttons of yours then you have not detached enough.
I will say this re: your refusal to sign the D papers.
Unconditional love - the ability to let something go in love. to let it go and to leave it in God's hands. Think about this for a bit.
Control - more often than not we want what we want. God or no God we just want it. Think about this for a bit.
Look CH - I'm not trying to tell you want to do - really I am not. I just want you to consider a few things.
She seems to want out of the R. This tells me that in her mind it is over for her. The old M is done. You are trying to hold on to the old M. You feel that the old M was not that bad. Right?
Have you considered that you may have a better chance at reconciliation IF you did not fight her the whole step of the way? I mean i have heard of people remarrying the person that they divorced. So what am I really saying here is.....
Let go and let God. The more you fight it the more CONTROL SHE feels you have over HER. The more you fight the D the more she feels like you DO NOT love her unconditionally. So...IMO -stop fighting her on the D. Give her what she so desires...and then....make the changes in YOU to win her back. She will respect that you understood her positions and although you did not agree with the D - you gave it to her because you finally understood what it meant to HER.
We all claim to love our S - yet we love them with strings attached - cut the string and try loving her unconditionally.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Thanks for the input, Eric. The thing is, I feel like all I have been doing since she wanted to separate was to give her what she’s asked for. She wanted me to move out and when I told her I was staying put with the kids and she could move out, she threatened to get a lawyer. I decided it was best to give her space and move out and not fight in the courts.
She said separation would be a time for us to dating each other again. However, after I moved out, this never materialized and yet I kept my distance to let her have her space. A month later she files papers.
Now I believe that I need to start focusing on myself and my relationship with God. I am at peace with my decision … any further drama will be on her part if she wants to bring in a lawyer and make it a battle between law firms. I explained it to her in the following e-mail:
“I'm not done with the fight. I've been fighting for our marriage and will continue to stand firm in the vow that I took before God nearly fifteen years ago--for better or for worse; in sickness and in health; until death do us part. You were the bride of my youth, the love of my life, and the woman who complimented me always in my weaknesses. You're an awesome mother and I've always stood in awe of the way you brighten lives with your presence.
But I'm letting this go forward without argument. I don't want to be fighting you on it. It's not your battle. It's not my battle. It's God's.
However, what you are asking me to sign is saying I consent to divorce. As a man seeking God's heart, I can't put my signature conceding to something that I believe tells God that I have given up hope and trust in Him. I believe in His healing power. I believe in His desire for restoration. I believe we are part of each others' lives for a reason--even if it's just for me to bring you forward to Him in prayer daily for the rest of our lives. I need to stand firm in Him.
I did speak to my attorney and he said that all you need to do is file the amended documents at the court. He'll send you a copy of his intent to withdraw and he'll file that with the court. We'll have a court date, not a trial, and it'll just be me and you and it'll be by the judge's hand, not mine, that this will be final. Please understand that this is the only way I can live in peace with myself over this.
So, here they are. I love you and I pray for you faithfully every day.”
Wondering if anyone is still following my thread. Haven't gotten much feedback lately. I want to thank all of you who have provided input and support ... it's meant a lot to me.
CH, Of course I have been reading your thread. Your thread is too close to what my life is. Your wife says a lot of the same things mine does. This whole thing that they go through is more than creepy. If your are like me, you feel like you are in the middle of the twilight zone. I am going through the same stuff. Timing of where your sitch when filed etc, is much like mine. My wife is still in there though. The alien she became is just unbelievable. I keep seeing over and over that they have to crash before they figure it out. Don't really like that option. Don't have much choice. So I keep working on myself to make sure that however this goes I can move on.
CH, Don't be discouraged by a lack of responses. Sometimes, as the old saying goes, "it is better to be quite and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt." Everyone here is supporting you in their own, sometimes quiet way.
With me, it seems to be more the differences between men and women. While I see similarites in some MLC actions, they are often so different from what I see in myself as a wife of twenty years . . .well, they don't sound like people I'd stop and talk to in Wal-Mart. I know that is an unfair judgement. I more often than not demonize my husband on here, as it's a demon I'm dealing with at the moment. There doesn't seem to be any way to compare him with the man I fell in love with and raised our family with.
You seem to have a very, very close relationship with God. I wish mine were closer. In your posts, you seem to have determined your path through God without hesitation. I do believe in letting go and letting God, and that is all most of us can do, other than handle our own emotional ups & downs.
Just keep working on yourself. Don't forget this is a journey/test of God's making for you as well as your wife. Ponder the unponderables.
Thank you all again. I need to go off to another function ... bbq with our church group where she is going to be. Debated about going, but decided it's best for the kids to see their Daddy. It's good to stay connected with people who love and are praying for me and my family.
