Hi QS - I know what you mean about mornings and about losing hope to some degree - I am battling this too. I think letting it go completely is part of the healing process, and I think most of the successful affair busters on this board have all said that at some point they really let go - didn't care if spouse came back or not. I think you have to get there. I've mentally let go a couple times myself, and new intel tends to put me back into the negative loop of caring. Then I have to make a concerted effort to restart the positive GAL and 180s I'm doing.
So, I'd suggest that you get a GAL routine, and do it even when you don't feel like it. Excercise is that thing for me - somedays I want to sit on the couch and read this board all day - gotta force myself to go work out. Then I always feel at least a little better. The bookstore works wonders too . . . as does any sort of "planning" for the new me, be it reading excercise and fitness books, thinking through what I'd like to do with the next 5 years for ME, etc.
Getting attention from females is probably helpful - I have definitely sought out male attention. It's a little bit of a slippery slope, though, I found, as I actually caved to it at one point and kissed a guy in a bar . . . be careful with that. But, there is definitely a self esteem boost from knowing you still got it . . . like the sunglasses to the bar. Bad boy!
Oh . . . one more thing . . . it can help to really work on building your social network. Between giving my job, husband, and daughter time, I hadn't put much time into friendships which meant I didn't have a strong social network when this all came to light. I have been approaching finding social things to do like it's my job. Staying busy and having plenty of outings is helpful to me. It also gives me more to talk about than my R situation - more I get out with friends, the more interesting I become because silly things happen and then I have stories to tell later. For example, I recently met a friend for lunch, had a couple mojitos there, ended up buying dancing boots (you know the kind) while I was buzzed in the mall . . . makes for a good story later too. Mkaing time to hang with friends and be a little irresponsible (but not too much!) at times can help . . .
She DEMANDED an answer about selling the house today.
I looker her straight in the eye and said:
"I don't want to discuss it right now. I feel it's better to discuss with a 3rd party like our FC. You said yourself before that you wanted the same thing when I asked you something big."
Then she got really defensive, then started LAUGHING and said:
"Interesting, REALLYYYYYY interesting".
"I don't want to go to FC anymore, since I will be moving out anyway at some point. What's the point? You and I are OVER, so I just want an answer about the house".
I am NOT going to back down on this one. She said Tuesday she is canceling ALL the utilities in her name.
This is getting to be a really high stakes poker game. I think she may be bluffing about some of this, but she does have her parents support. I just have to have the balls to go all in and see if I get cleaned out or win some respect.
At least I can say I tried. But if I don't consent to selling, SHE CAN'T BUY A HOUSE OR CONDO.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
QS- I'm playing this poker game right now too. I folded on a couple of things - our phone bill for one. I separated that account. At the time I was letting go and thought "why not."
But, my L has advised me not to separate anything without looking at big picture.
My H has tried to intimidate me to moving $$ to him, selling house, etc. My L told me there's absolutely no need to do that until the divorce is in full swing and we are in full negotiations with lawyer's present. If H refuses to give me $$ at some point, I will pay for immediate needs first (food, electricity), and neglect house payment. That will up the stakes for him for sure, as I'm sure he doesn't want to ruin credit. But yes, I risk losing my credit. But that's poker
Stand your ground . . .she can't sell the house without your signature.
QS... you need to STOP looking for NEGATIVES... you chase them like a kid chases an ice cream truck...
If you hear a bell you think it could be an ice cream truck and you start running down the street to find it.
STOP THAT or I am gonna VIRTUAL KICK you in the ARSE
What should I be focusing on then? NOTHING positive comes out of this woman. I know I have to focus on ME. But since we live together (for now) we do have to interact sometimes. I think I am over analyzing too much with her. I guess you just can't rationalize a person in her position's thinking. Either they come out of it, or they don't.
I don't know how much is "fog" anymore, and how much is just plain "I want away from him". Still I know I shouldn't listen to it. I am getting sooo much better at poker though.
She has spent significantly LESS time on Facebook recently, and I guess I will take that as a positive sign in all this.
She slept for 3.5 hours today in a nap, which she almost never has been doing. She even went to bed at 10:30 pm last night and slept until 8:30am.
I am starting to accept more and more that this divorce is going to happen. It's not that I don't have hope or am focusing on the negative, it's just that I see how far gone she is and I am accepting reality as it is.
Allen I really do wish there was a switch in my brain that I could turn off so it stops looking for negatives. But I guess my brain just wants ANYTHING from her, even negative. My IC said it's like I am starving and looking for table scraps. And it makes me feel pathetic.
I am also starting to see the horrid way she treats me, and I sooooo deserve better. She is no longer my WIFE because she is only focusing on HERSELF, and cares nothing for how I am feeling.
She has tried to take her parents away from me, my house, my dogs, and my dignity. It's starting to add up for me, and I am seeing that I DO deserve better.
That still doesn't take away the pain though...
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
There are positives, but you take them as negatives :
1. Your wife wont' leave you alone - She really wants to attach to you and interact... Yes its abusive, but the point is her attachment to you IS there, its clear as the sun. 2. She's eager to sell the house, which again means that SOMETHING is NAGGING at her... It's her attachment to you again... It's bugging her and she is having trouble fighting it OFF... And I think the home improvements you are diong is making it nag at her even more. 3. The simple fact that she IS such a scatter... She's all over the place right now wich again tells me there are some very deep feelings there.
How many damn times does she have to say "I'm done", "we're over", "we are getting a divorce" etc...
QS, methinks she dost protest too much...
If you aren't familiar with Julius Caesar that means she's trying too hard to convince herself...
Which means there IS a voice in her head telling her to STOP this nonsense and start playing nice...
How long did she give you on Fri before she confronted you about selling? Minutes? Hours?
I know you were out... from teh time you were avaiilable HOW LONG did she WAIT before charging up to interact with you?
I know what you mean about choosing to hope for a miracle. It's hard for me to give up. I think I would have to be served with papers to actually start to give up.
If she takes the job, then it sounds like she may be too far gone for anything to make a difference - it sounds like she wants to get away, thinking the grass is greener..maybe, being away would make her see that she made a big mistake.
Coming from a female perspective, a woman that says that just watns to be gone - done and over wtih. Doesn't want to deal with any of it - so, it's easier for her to run away than deal.
Me:36 H:38 Together: 20 years Married: 16 years Kids: 13 & 10 yr. old Discovered affair: 1/10 H denies affair. Refuses to save marraige. Divorce filed: December 2010
