I'm not sure if I belong on this forum or not but here goes. I started out on Newcomers almost 2 years ago when my W announced that she wanted a D. I found out there was an OM involved. I did whatever I could to try and save the marriage to no avail at the time. Then with the tension rising with us both still living separately in the same house, my STBXW (or so I thought) moved into her own apartment and we set up a 50/50 custody schedule with our girls. I moved over to the "We're Separated - Now What" forum. During these past 10 months we have managed to co-parent extremely well, putting the kids interest in a stress free and guilt free environment first. I pretty much detached, but we (stbxw and I) continued to see each other through interactions with the kids (i.e. school events, bringing kids back and forth between our two residences.
Jump to now. I just bought a house and moved into it with our girls. STBXW helped significantly in the moving process, helping to clean the old house, move stuff over to the new house. A week before I moved, I spent some time with my older kids in the mid-west. When I returned my STBXW wanted to come over and see me. We had a nice dinner together and she ended up staying the night - we ML for the first time in 2 years and it was surprisingly nice for both of us. It has rekindled thoughts of a possible reconcilliation in me. She has asked that when her lease is up in September if she can move back into the house with me and the girls in order to save money and spend more time with them. There is a downstairs guest room that she could occupy. I have agreed, although I am worried that we could go back to not wanting to be in the same room together. Since last Friday, we have continued to be more affectionate towards each other (i.e. occasional hug and short kiss when she comes/goes).
I guess I still would like to reconcile but I want it to be for the right reasons and not just because of the kids. I welcome any advice in how to move forward with fixing this mess.
So today, W stopped by after work to have dinner with me and the girls. I grilled sweet corn and London Broil which I had marinated earlier in the day. Picked up a bottle of Champagne (W's favorite) to celebrate the moving into the new house. Dinner was fine and then we all watched a movie. 9pm comes and W gets up and takes the girls back to her apartment for the night and here I sit on a Friday night alone on the computer - hence my thread title - "Is this piecing?" I know - I am expecting too much too fast - patience is the key, but hey it has been 2 years already!!!!
I guess I still would like to reconcile but I want it to be for the right reasons and not just because of the kids. I welcome any advice in how to move forward with fixing this mess.
BA
Try to answer the question to your comment about getting back together for the right reasons. What would they be?
You two got along great when living separately. What would need (or stay) to be different for you two be marital partners when living together? How do you need to be different for it to work? It sounds like you have the parenting partnership down.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Well the right reasons for me would be because she WANTS to be with me and is 100% COMMITTED to me. I'm not interested in being anyone's second choice.
What would need to be different with her moving back is that we are working together on saving the marriage - not just me doing all of the work. I'm not interested in sibling type relationship with her. After two years of not really having a partner, I am ready to move on either with her or without her. I can't do that if she is living here as a roommate.
What happened to the OM? How do you know that you are now not the OM? Take it slow until you find out these answers.
The OM made the decision to stay with his family. It is my belief that my W was just a fling for him since they were both living overseas away from families. She fell for him, he fell for the sex. A bit sad if you ask me. Which makes me really question to whole idea of really trying to make this work - but it's tough to throw 16 years of history together away, even if she went batchitt crazy.
Changed the thread name since Hope4Luv already had this title. Anyway Making Progress seems to fit just as well.
So in answer to your question Cadet - I don't know exactly when she stopped seeing the OM but to my knowledge - and I stopped snooping long ago because I found it to be a waste of my energy and time - it has been months since she has been in contact with him.
We are spending more time together, part of that is in anticipation of her moving back in, but that again is currently under the assumption of her maintaining a roommate status - and a result of helping us both financially. That being said, there is more affection lately than has been since the bomb. I am trying not to be too impatient, but it has been over 2 years since we started this process.
What happened to the OM? How do you know that you are now not the OM? Take it slow until you find out these answers.
These are very wise words. ^
If you don't have a transparency plan in place, with at least one intel channel that's unknown to her, you really are not starting from a firm foundation.
I don't disagree at all. I am trying to think with my head as much as possible and not my emotions.
Did she exhibit signs of hard withdrawal? I don't know because for the last year we have not been living together. I do know that she ended up going to see a psychiatrist and was prescribed and anti depressant (Zoloft) for several months. I know at the time she wasn't depressed because she wasn't living with me that is for sure, so I suppose it could have been due to OM withdrawal and things not working out like she thought they would.
Once she moves back in, my guard will be up and I am pretty good at identifying red flags (I just haven't always acted right away on them). In that regard, this time will be different.
