Interesting discussion. How about my original and more basic question...are you okay with your W having male (and esp. single male) friends on FB? Seems to be just asking for trouble.
If the firends are just socializing that's fine... But I would make sure your WIFE knows the boundary is ZERO FLIRTING... She's made a commitment and you are holding her accountable to stick to it...
And NO former boyfriends... that is SO common a source for affairs I can't count...
Facebook is THEE NUMBER ONE SOURCE for affairs on the internet right now... even Second Life isn't as bad as facebook (and that's saying something)
Dazed, you should read QuickSilver's thread... Her wife hopped on facebook and started collecting male friends, including some former boyfriends, and then started flirting, the flirting became sexchat, online affairs, and then planned hookups in person.
You can see the RISK by reading his thread... it put him through HELL
Yes, but I can monitor it, and I'd probably be uncomfortable if I couldn't.
Puppy
But you are assuming pup that the facebook interaction will be restricted to facebook... It can easily lead to secret messages you don't know are going on... And then you are screwed
Yes, but I can monitor it, and I'd probably be uncomfortable if I couldn't.
Puppy
But you are assuming pup that the facebook interaction will be restricted to facebook... It can easily lead to secret messages you don't know are going on... And then you are screwed
You worry too much. No way to go thru life. I don't want to have to control my wife for the rest of our life together. I have a few different "verify" intel channels in place, and I check them from time to time. Nothing has ever led to anything I needed to be concerned about.
Here's the thing, Allen. Even though I can agree with just about every INDIVIDUAL thing you said (and there are a few I disagree with, but for the sake of argument let's say they're all true). I still don't to project the SUM TOTAL of all of that concern/angst/fear/controlling/jealousy to my wife, as it KILLS attraction. I'm aiming more for fun/confident/strong/leading/happy. Maybe it's just for the purposes of a good spirited debate here on the forum, I don't know, but the way you phrase your posts, and the level of apparent anxiety behind them (lots of ALL CAPS and such), just come across to me as the former.
I want to maintain the underlying BOUNDARIES of the former, while projecting the overall ATTITUDE of the latter ... if I can.
End of hijack for me, as -- like I said in my very first post on my thread -- we need to get back to what Dazed is asking on his thread.
And no, I am pretty casual around the home, I just write forcefully...
I am not suggesting policing someone forever... But dazed wife is clearly wayward and beligerent here... And bets are 100 to 1 that she isn't educated about the dangers of facebook and online firting... She may not even CARE... She may be like QS' wife and LOOKING to hookup because she's miserable.
The thing is pup, once that initial hookup kicks in and they find someone to return their advances or someone hits on THEM... its VERY HARD to get the train to STOP RUNNING.
The likelihood of the risk becoming an issue is like 2% for your average home overall... BUT the IMPACT if the issue DOES come up is HUGE... And I can't even begin to assess the damage and cost to repair.
If you lose three years of your life to an affair like SeeingRed has.. How do you even ASSESS that cost?
THAT makes me panic... THAT I see something happening in someone's home that I KNOW can lead to bad stuff, and most newcommers here lack that experience, lack the education, have not developed the emotional capacity to assert marital boundaries when they are at risk...
In short, most people arriving here arne't prepared for the storm on the horizon of thier post. I just see the same stuff happening over and over again.
Dazed here is gonig to go soft on her and she is going to take that a tacit concent to push harder on facebook. He's goign to find out AFTER she's hooked up with someone onlnine. Then he's going to be hesitant about confronting her cause he doens't want to make her mad, etc. It's the same story all the time here...
At some point, if you really, truly can't trust her, maybe that just means you really, truly can't trust her. Heading off an affair that would be a mistake is one thing, as is fighting for the marriage, but if you fight for the marriage, bring it back to life and then have to spend the rest of your life monitoring Facebook, then you haven't made it all the way back yet.
I'm pretty sure people were having affairs before Facebook . . . Anna Karenina is mostly about Friendster and Myspace, isn't it?
You don't have to monitor them for the rest of your life. Only until things are good enough again so you can get them some much needed education about how to conduct themselves inside of marriage. Clearly the marraige was jumped into without a lot of learning on that matter as 99% of them are still...
Once she's off facebook then you can get her into Family Therapy or soemthing so she can learn to understand that marriage is like drivign on the freeway... you can take risks or you can drive safe and get to your destination in one piece.
