Wanting to Move on

[NorthernRoots]

Hi, I am relatively new here but have been lurking for a long time. I have reached the point I finally need to get involved.

I am in a marriage of pure convienence, I am utterly drained and want to move on with my son.

My wife and I have been married since 12-97, together since 09-96. We seperated 06-01 when she walked out on my son (1 1/2 yrs at the time)and myself after I dropped the bomb on her.

She didnt fight for him and basically didnt see him much for 4 years. I was his sole support until her and I got back together in aug 2005. It wasnt a reconciliation as much as moving back in together. I was staying with a friend and got tossed out w/o notice so my friend could move his girlfriend in and we had no where to go at 11pm at night. That week i was broke and at least had to find my son shelter so I called her at 11pm and she walked home from the bar and let us in her apt then went back to the bar and came back home at 3pm. We have been under the same roof since. She cheated for about 1 1/2 years while we lived together until she decided to quit work and go back to college fulltime while I worked fulltime and put our son into school then the cheating stopped.

It has been convienent for her ever since then. We have not had a "marriage" since.

She is 1 semester away from her bachelors in physcology at this time and wants to go for her PhD and wants me to be there for her till she gets that which could be another 4-6 years.

However in the mean time she goes to the bar on weekends till 2am with her girlfriends and when not doing that she hangs out with our neighbors drinking and chatting, quite the social butterfly till all hours of the morning. I have recently uncovered pot in the house and am certain she goes out with other friends who smoke also but she wont admit it of course.

Our son is out of school for the summer and she watches him while I am at work. He is now 10 1/2. She doesnt go to bed till 6am most days then he gets up at 8am and then she gets up at 11am or as late as 1pm. I make sure his meals are prepared for him before I leave for work at 7am so he has breakfast and lunch ready for him because she cant seem to be the parent and do what she needs to do.

I so want to leave and move back up north where my family is and be done with this so called relationship.

I am seriously contemplating just packing the car with myself and my son and going. Problem is I dont want to be sought for kidnapping if we just leave and I am not sure how the law looks at that.

Even my son is mentioning why mommy is never here for him and why does she go out so much except when she feels obligated to do so.

I have a very stable job with very good benefits and would hate to loose that but am willing to make that sacrifice. Its like starting over again at 46 but would be worth it to be where I want to be and have my son around his aunts, uncles and cousins, he has no family here and i feel he needs that.

I need some input please.

[4ever]

My heart goes out to you. I don't have the answers, but as the mother of 10 year-old sons, I hope that perhaps I'm able to offer some insight. Sounds like several things going on here. I can understand the feeling of wanting to "pack up" and move to a more comfortable environment, however, doing so won't mend some of the issues you mentioned.

Does your wife realize that you don't think she spends enough quality time your son? While it may be difficult to initiate a conversation with her about this, there are ways to work around this. Since your son has a lot of free time during the day (no school), could you research a few weekday options for activities in your community and then bring these ideas into a casual conversation? "Hey, I heard one of my co-workers talking about these free kids movies on Tuesday and Wednesday mornings at the local movie theate." Or are their mutual friends or neighbors who you can suggest play dates with to help foster the idea of getting your wife and son spending more quality time together?

I would encourage you to realize the reality of moving your son "Up North" right now. Where will you live? What will you do with your current home/apartment? What are your job options? What is the job market like up there? What are the schools like? Has your family encouraged you to move? Would you be able to move yet this summer so that your son can begin 5th grade in the new environment, as opposed to trying to blend in mid-semester?

You sound like a great father. I can understand that you are disappointed in your wife's lackluster participation right now, but you may be able to nudge her back into reality and involvement by focusing less on moving and more on reconnecting. I know it is unfair to be the one that needs to be the bigger, braver person to step forward and lead by example. When watching TV with your son, perhaps you can hand her the remote and ask her to find something that will appeal to all of you. If you cook the meals, try asking her if she can help your son chop up the veggies for a salad while you put the steaks on the grill. If she spends time in front of the computer, ask her to look up a recipe for a dessert you've been craving so that you can buy the ingrediants on your way home from work.

I know that moving with your son may seem like the only option right now, but I think that it is important to know that you spent a few months trying to slowly bring your wife on board for your son. In the end, if you do this and then move, you will at least know that you tried one last time to mend things. Your son will grow up seeing the effort you've put into the relationship and it will make him a better teen and better man.

Good luck. Keep posting on the forums to get others' view points.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I am seriously contemplating just packing the car with myself and my son and going. Problem is I dont want to be sought for kidnapping if we just leave and I am not sure how the law looks at that.

You need to talk to your attorney. Do you have one?

Most areas have one or more attorney who are solely family law, and who are either solely, or who specialize in, men's rights and paternal custody cases. You need to see one right away, and get a consultation, to better understand your rights and responsibilities. You sound like a wonderful father, and your wife's lifestyle and potential drug use might be enough so that you can legally take your son back home and get near your support system, which I think is a WONDERFUL and wise idea.

Puppy

[NorthernRoots]

Thanks Guys for the insight.

As I write this she just went out to the bar again, wont be home till 2-3ish. 2nd night in a row.

I have tried many things to get her involved. The thing that bothers me most is she has limited to no want to take the inititave for anything with him unless he asks and asks and asks, then it seem to be begrudingly or purely obligatory.

All of the utilities are in her name as well as the apt lease, my name is on none of it. She doesnt drive or have a drivers license although I bought her a car 2 years ago and it has not been touched except by me. She has to take the bus or ride with a classmate, who by the way is a pot head and drinker.

She will complain about the bus and say to me I must enjoy seeing her have to ride the bus everyday and spend 2 hours getting to school and that I must enjoy having so much control over her lack of independance. She doesnt like taking responsibility for any of her actions except getting thru college.

When ever I ask her about anything that has to do with our son or things around the house all I get is a volitile response and says that nothing is her fault and she does nothing wrong. When ever we discuss something to do with our son her hackles go up and all of a sudden I am the bad person and ineffectualy father.

When ever anyone comes over its like this mystery person comes out and everything is wonderful and she is the epitome of motherhood and matrimony then when they leave mysery comes back, it is sooooo tiring.

Honestly, any moment could be the moment when I say I am thru and wait for her to go out and just take my son , get in the car and just split.

I am pretty much beyond miserable and unhappy, its at the point where I can see my life wasting away in this relationship and need to do this to save myself and my child.

[par4me]

I am sorry for you and I read your story. No advice. Just I am sorry and I hope you find your way. Jeff

[NorthernRoots]

Hi again, and thanks for listening.

Whenever I sit down and look at all aspects of this relationship I really dont see a point of continuing,I have exhausted everything I can think of trying to do and that includes the 3 books of Michelles that I have tried.

Its just hard to explain how empty and voided I feel, I do not even look forward to coming home from work knowing what awaits me. I look at the Pros and see none, just a dead relationship and I know she is not happy either.

I am going to call for a atty consult tomorrow hopefully that'll clear the air on what I can do regarding leaving and taking my son with me out of state, I have agonized over this for a long long time and its not an easy decision but one I feel needs to be made.

I would like to find someone here who can relate to what I am going thru and the hard decision to up and leave with thier child.