JUST SEPERATED with kids...not happy.

[irishblessings]

Gunsnsails -

I usually post on the Midlife Crisis site - but I was browsing the WAS side - needing some extra support today.

I am starting week 6 of a separation. I am filing for a Legal Separation this week (something I thought I would NEVER do). I am standing for my marriage - but I have to get some structure back in my life because all I've been doing really is reacting to my H's every move. I need to take control of my own stuff and since my 16 yr old son is with me - I've got to give him more stability.

When I read your last post, it seems that you are "reacting" to the pain rather than "responding" to the situation. If the infidelity is your dealbreaker this time - then embrace that about yourself and take the steps to move on. However, I sense that you are not sure. If that's the case - then you MUST allow yourself time to heal from the pain - and then begin to take steps to become the man you want to be.

I always thought that infidelity would be a deal-breaker for me, but when it happened 21 years into a marriage / I came to a place where I said "a handful of bad decisions can't erase a lifetime of good" - that's who I am and what I wanted to model for my kids. Now I am 25 years into a marriage and for the last 3-4 years my H has been lying, cheating, etc. - but those are HIS behaviors - not mine. Right now that is who HE wants to be. Right now, I want to be a person who examines themselves frequently and tries to improve on my own. Right now, I want to be the person who treats everyone, including myself, with respect. Dr. Dobson defines respectful people as those who carry themselves with quiet dignity, self-confidence, and common courtesy. Somedays I'm successful in all 3 areas, somedays I'm not. But those are my goals for myself and for my interactions with H.

I really encourage you to step back from this situation as much as possible and take the time to reflect and heal. Be a great dad to your kids - see them as often as possible - offer to spend more time with them with no strings attached. Let her go. Rebuild yourself and your relationship with your kids. I believe that a by-product of this will be a renewal of feelings in your relationship.

Call me pollyanna:)

Read DB and Dobson's "Love must be Tough" - very helpful. Go to www.marriagebuilders.com and sign up for their daily newsletters. They are very helpful as well!