tired of this

[A_goodman]

Ok, I need some advice. There are some techniques that seem out of sync with each other. I know that I don't understand everything well enough yet. How can I agree with everything, yet still not back down and be a doormat? For instance, the money argument. I know that it is one of the first boundaries I am trying to set, but how to do that without disagreeing with her cockamamie ideas about it being HER money. Also, this idea that she is using to justify lying about it, i.e. she was afraid I would hurt her, is totall BS. I can't validate that, can I?

I am having a harder time today. My son's baseball team had our end of the year party tonight. We caught a pro game together. (I was a coach. And was proud to hand my son a First Place trophy! So there was good news).

Anyway, W begged out early in the week. I knew it was so she could go out tonight. I said goodby this morning (accidentally let slip an ILY. She returned it, but I kicked myself. It is just habit, but I really need to watch those). I went to work and stayed dark all day. It was tough. Especially when by the time we were headed to the game, I realized I hadn't heard from her either.

So all through the game I checked my phone like a dope. Don't know why I was hoping for contact. Guess I still get delusional sometimes. Another thing I need to control. So a whole day of darkness was punctuated by coming home to a dark house. No lights outside. No drapes drawn. A drawer still open in the bathroom from son brushing his hair this morning. These are things that she would never leave so going out at night. I know now that she never came home from work. Which must have taken some planning on her part.

So here I am. Mr as if! More like mr "only if". I guess not caring takes more time to set in all the way. I read Sandi's post over again and realize I have to fake it tomorrow morning, but it's going to be hard. I was so proud of myself and here I sit at quarter of one in the morning just feeling betrayed and hurt all over again. I'm ready for the callouses to start building.

So ok you db jedis how long does it take to REALLY stop giving a rip?

Cheers.