Irish, I'm sorry you had such a bad day today. It sucks when people lie to you. Especially when we try so hard to have good morals and be true to ourselves. I know my h is lying to me too, but today I made a conscious decision to stop thinking about it. He is the one that is going to have to atone for that someday, and I have many things of my own that I will have to explain to God when that time comes for me too. When you do things that go against your core moral being..it hurts YOU more than anyone else. Unfortunately you don't figure that out until after it's done. I know cuz it happened to me. It's something I don't talk about much, because I betrayed myself and that was worse than anything anyone else could have done to me. Maybe I'll tell you about it sometime. In time, our Hs will see what they're doing. Trust me on that one. We all make mistakes..it's God's way of helping us figure out what He wants us to know.
Anyway, it's hard, but you just have to pull yourself up and think about something else. Something that makes you happy. I made a list of words that are meaningful to me and if I put them together and make a song out of them, it makes me feel better. My words are:
The love I have for my kids, for myself, for my H, for my friends, for God..and for so many people who I don't even know. So maybe if you make up a list for yourself and put it in a secret spot where you can go and look at it when you feel down, make a little song out of them..maybe that would make you feel better. I taped mine to the inside of my bathroom cupboard door.
I also stopped at church today, no one was there..that's how I like it best..and I lit 4 candles. 1 for my kids, 1 for my H and I, 1 for my Hs family, and 1 for all the other people in the world who need a little extra attention from God. Then I said a little prayer and left. I felt so good when I left. I'm Catholic (less of a practicing one that I'd like to be) so candles are always in every church somewhere. Usually you can be alone where the candles are and think your own thoughts. It makes me feel like God hears me better. Silly, I know, but it has been the best thing for keeping me from losing my mind thru all this. You don't have to be catholic to stop in at one of their churches and light one. I dunk my cross necklace in the Holy Water too and believe that gives me some additional strength to keep taking my baby steps forward. Find something like that..like helping an elderly person in the neighborhood who doesn't have anyone to visit them, like doing a random act of kindness for someone you meet in your day, like calling an old friend just to catch up and surprise them, do a special thing for one of your kids, or someone else you love.
I used to think that if you really loved someone and they loved you that you each had to give the other your life. Sort of like Agape love. But now I know that isn't true. If we do that, we become lost..we aren't ourselves any more. We become dependent on that other person for everything. I'm just now trying to figure out how to find my way back from that. And it "ain't" easy!
Just like all these guys are telling me, you can do this too, Irish. You can be strong for yourself and your kids. You can let him do whatever he needs to do to try and make himself feel better..and know that it is his journey. You have your own..it might be with him by your side..but it is separate. There are things you need to learn while you are here on earth, things that are different than the ones he needs to learn. And it's your job to figure out your own lessons. That should occupy most of your time..cuz there's lots of those lessons.
