Well, I called her on my drive to work to talk about upcoming plans regarding the kids, and we had a nice talk.
And then she called me, I guess about an hour ago, to talk about events in her day. And acknowledged that's what she was doing... And we had a nice little chat again, but eventually, it got down to something like this. This isn't exact, but kind of the jist:
---- Me: So - why are you calling me?
Her: Oh - I'm sorry, I thought we were being friendly today.
Me: I'm not being unfriendly, I'm just asking, I want to know.
G, I'm impressed with how you're handling this...it must be so hard to not jump to conclusions, after all these mixed signals, and assume she wants you back.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Thanks - You know, I realize that really I don't want her to stop calling me. But I also don't want her to call me because she wants me to fill the role of husband / friend without anything changing. I guess that's why I asked the questions I did. Why are you calling? Is it because anything has changed? Well, OK then. I don't want to be mean. I just want to set the clear boundary.
And you know, I did send her pictures last night of the boys playing ball outside last night, and called her about their sudden enthusiasm about wanting to do sports this coming year, and about how hard one of my boys is trying to engage. So, we've got a good, positive partnership here with the parenting, and I like that.
So, going back to the goals I published...
Quote:
- Forgiveness. Letting go of the pain and anger, and keeping it from informing my behavior. - Building a satisfying life for myself – and this is going to include being able to be alone without dwelling on the sadness, to be able to be complete. For this to no longer be what my life is about. - Building a relationship with XW – yes – that is not based on the wreckage of our marriage. Meaning – is not based on wanting her to come home. That is not based on need, or repair, or wanting anything from her. That is not based on me rescuing her, or her needing me. That is not based on any expectations. Maybe that relationship is sparse – meaning we’re co-parents – and maybe it’s full – meaning we’re friends. Maybe there is a long-term path to reconciliation. But thinking about it too much will not be productive. - Being steady. Developing resilience. Staying calm. Coping with the bad moments.
Building a relationship with XW for co-parenting - good. That's OK.
Being steady - well, need to detach for that. That's what I'm hoping I'm doing. Not using those opportunites that she calls to get close.
Building a life for myself - trying to establish with her that - she's not what this is about anymore. Not going to rescue her.
Forgiveness - I guess I'm doing OK with that. I'm less angry, or have fewer spikes I guess. I still think about it, but it's packing much less of a punch.
And keep thinking: I'm single.
Now if she calls up and said "I made a mistake" then, I guess we'll have a different conversation. (I'm not sure what actually.) But for the time being, this is how it is.
Wow, you've got one hell of a tough list there, Geronimo! My advice is to call about the kids maybe once a week, not daily. You can't detach if you're talking to her every day. Btw, I fully endorse your goal to build a new R with the mother of your children...but it is not an easy road. Take things a little at a time and be good to yourself, don't expect too much too soon. And don't bury the pain, feel it when it comes then let it go, it's a long process and that's OK. Good luck!
G, I think it's good that you want to build a good parenting relationship with her but are you sure that's all it is right now? Only you need to know the answer. The reason I asked was because your goal is to detach so let's say for the sake of the discussion here she decides to move on, finds someone (i know, how insensitive of me) etc. Will you want the same type of a parenting relationship with her that you have now or vice-versa? Will it work?
I'm not suggesting changing anything just curious about your thoughts.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Almost without fail, every interaction, whether good or bad, eventually backfired on me and left me scrambling to recover.
This is exactly what has been happening to me. I am not going to talk to her anymore. I wasn't answering phone calls but I still listened to messages and read texts. It made me happy one time and then sad latter. It is not good for me to have interaction with her. Just let her go and live my new live. We are not a part of each other's life anymore. I just have to realize that.
Tough weekend re: communication with XW. I think cutting communication is for the best.
On the other hand, the flood of stuff that came out of me, that I hadn't said for years, hadn't even realized about our relationship, was eye-opening for me. Figured a few things out.
But she didn't need to hear it. No point.
Don't know how many times I'm going to keep sticking my hand in the fire before I realize it hurts.
Well, I don't think she's talking to me now anyway.
(((G))) You guys have a tough situation re: comms. I can't remember, do you actually see each other for drop off/pickup? If not, unless it's about the boys, I'm of the opinion that contact could be scaled way back.
I'm glad you got to say and figure a few things out- for you, not for her- b/c you're right, she's probably not listening. You guys have one of the best chances I've seen around here for a great co-parenting (and possible friendship) relationship. But it feels like you need some period of detachment before moving into that- a little space. Because you guys kind of easily slid into this murky, not sure what the relationship is, kind of place without a specific break (IMO). It's kind of confusing and ambiguous when there's no end/new beginning, I think.
Yeah, we see each other at least once a day on weekdays.
The boys will be at their grandparents for the next two weeks, so I suppose that will be a good opportunity to cut communication and let things settle.
