Taylor - Hope you avoid my thread today, because I am certainly no model of DBing. When I found out that H had been lying about where he was staying and that he has new "friends" who he is trying to protect / basically I lost it! I puked my guts / sobbed / cussed / repeated!
My best friend told me that she thought I had "agape" love for H. Agape love means self-sacrificing. I used to think this was an attribute - and it probably is for someone wanting to stand - but as a LBS it is very painful. It's funny that I look back and I think this level of marital love was truly a decision that I made early on in the relationship. Neither one of us had great marital role models - but I had read Steven Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families. It talked about a man who told Covey that he didn't love his wife any longer. Covey said "well love her" This conversation continued with the man saying "you don't understand than I don't have those feelings for her, etc." Covey tells him to understand that love is an action = the feelings come afterwards. We all know the logic of this - but I think our WAHs are in search of feelings without the work. It won't and can't be found. Let's keep fighting the good fight!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Irish, I'm sorry you had such a bad day today. It sucks when people lie to you. Especially when we try so hard to have good morals and be true to ourselves. I know my h is lying to me too, but today I made a conscious decision to stop thinking about it. He is the one that is going to have to atone for that someday, and I have many things of my own that I will have to explain to God when that time comes for me too. When you do things that go against your core moral being..it hurts YOU more than anyone else. Unfortunately you don't figure that out until after it's done. I know cuz it happened to me. It's something I don't talk about much, because I betrayed myself and that was worse than anything anyone else could have done to me. Maybe I'll tell you about it sometime. In time, our Hs will see what they're doing. Trust me on that one. We all make mistakes..it's God's way of helping us figure out what He wants us to know.
Anyway, it's hard, but you just have to pull yourself up and think about something else. Something that makes you happy. I made a list of words that are meaningful to me and if I put them together and make a song out of them, it makes me feel better. My words are:
The love I have for my kids, for myself, for my H, for my friends, for God..and for so many people who I don't even know. So maybe if you make up a list for yourself and put it in a secret spot where you can go and look at it when you feel down, make a little song out of them..maybe that would make you feel better. I taped mine to the inside of my bathroom cupboard door.
I also stopped at church today, no one was there..that's how I like it best..and I lit 4 candles. 1 for my kids, 1 for my H and I, 1 for my Hs family, and 1 for all the other people in the world who need a little extra attention from God. Then I said a little prayer and left. I felt so good when I left. I'm Catholic (less of a practicing one that I'd like to be) so candles are always in every church somewhere. Usually you can be alone where the candles are and think your own thoughts. It makes me feel like God hears me better. Silly, I know, but it has been the best thing for keeping me from losing my mind thru all this. You don't have to be catholic to stop in at one of their churches and light one. I dunk my cross necklace in the Holy Water too and believe that gives me some additional strength to keep taking my baby steps forward. Find something like that..like helping an elderly person in the neighborhood who doesn't have anyone to visit them, like doing a random act of kindness for someone you meet in your day, like calling an old friend just to catch up and surprise them, do a special thing for one of your kids, or someone else you love.
I used to think that if you really loved someone and they loved you that you each had to give the other your life. Sort of like Agape love. But now I know that isn't true. If we do that, we become lost..we aren't ourselves any more. We become dependent on that other person for everything. I'm just now trying to figure out how to find my way back from that. And it "ain't" easy!
Just like all these guys are telling me, you can do this too, Irish. You can be strong for yourself and your kids. You can let him do whatever he needs to do to try and make himself feel better..and know that it is his journey. You have your own..it might be with him by your side..but it is separate. There are things you need to learn while you are here on earth, things that are different than the ones he needs to learn. And it's your job to figure out your own lessons. That should occupy most of your time..cuz there's lots of those lessons.
I know that I can be his light. It actually makes me feel good to know that I can do that for him. I'm not just doing it for him..it's something that makes me feel good too.
Up and down, today I'm up. It's thanks to your guys and the self-talk I have been doing in my head, the ideas I wrote down to boost myself up, my wonderful real life support group, and mostly God. I don't go to church as much as I'd like..my grandma burned me out on it when I was a kid. I had to go about 4 days a week, in addition to being in a parochial school during some of those years. So, now I prefer to have a private relationship with God and it works for the time being. I may get more involved with a church as time goes on.
It was enlightening to hear you explain my Hs journey the way you did. My H and I used to talk about everyhing under the sun and really enjoyed listening to each other's points of view. It sparked many interesting conversations. But he's not in a good spot to hear my opinions right now..I see what you mean. Most of the time it just sounds preachy or like I'm trying to be his teacher. It's better if I just keep my opinions to myself right now.
I'm gonna go to bed now..so hope you have a good wkend if I don't get a chance to check in.
Warrior..sounds like you know what you're talking about. You are much further along with this process than I am.
I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts with me. I particularly like the part about the "sacred history". i wrote that in my little "lift me up document" along with my meaningful word list.
Grit..I am STARTING to get it a little, I think. i feel better anyway.
And you're right..this is the hardest thing I have ever gone thru in my life..and it definately is going to be even harder to just let go. I have actually done the Let Go Let God thing a few times in my life. I don't do it often enough..God LIKES it when we do that, you know..cuz He likes to help. I watch for signs when I do it, because I don't think it means we are to do nothing at all..I think we just let God show us the way, and pay attention.
Well..it's almost 1 a.m. and I promised myself that I wouldn't stay up until all hours of the night tonight. That thing with the tornado the other night really screwed up my sleep pattern. I didn't go to bed at all that night..not til 6 a.m the next morning. and it looks like we're in for another round of bad weather tomorrow..so I should be ready for it.
Good night and thanks for thinking about me..all of you!
Hey Taylor, since you must be Catholic, you'll get a laugh from this. My daughter's fil passed away recently, and at the Rosary, surrounded by his family, my 4 year old grandson took two scoops of holy water and yelled "Look Mom, I spiked my hair"
If this started your day with a smile, then you've started off right.
