How much longer in Separated?

[MichelleLT]

Hope you had an awesome weekend. Sounds like your GAL and your DBing are both going well.

Love the "babe".

[jon2911]

The weekend was fun. Friday we watched Valentine's Day, kind of weird to watch in July but we both agreed it made the day feel like February 14th. W had a good time at my show, and even agreed to meet the band afterwards. That felt like a big step towards actually being a part of each others lives again. I had it planned out to soundcheck and then take her to her favorite Mexican place for dinner while the opening bands played. Worked out very well.

Very tough week at work, but getting texts from wife like "Be strong today. xoxo"

She said I need to journal more to relieve stress, and also walk the stairs to our 4th floor office when I take a break. Good ideas, I think. The stairs have been good already.

Lots of work to do for both jobs this weekend, but I kept it completely clear. Job #2 is actually enjoyable when I have the time.

[MichelleLT]

So many positives!

So many baby steps! It is awesome to see the little things.

[jon2911]

Thanks Michelle! Always good to have outside perspective.

Lots of good talks with W this weekend. I'm meeting with my boss next week, long overdue, to ask for a promotion to the Web team. I came on as half tech support, half web design, and the support side has been so crazy it's been extremely hard to learn the Web side. I originally asked him for 2 months to prove my skills there, and 6 months in I'm just getting there. Also, there's tons of tension with the other guys on the team, especially my buddy who got me the job, every time I try and work on Web stuff. Instead of taking calls. The owner isn't around much, and I've had to realize that carrying through what we agreed to is more important, even if I have constantly angry co-workers. I also struggle with acting like I'm above them, which is true as the Web skills got me an immediate higher salary, but I'm still part of the team. I hate getting yelled at by customers all day, and co-workers are even worse. It's been a learning experience,

Long story short, I finally got a full web site to build just as we were leaving Friday. After working Friday night, 8-5 Saturday, and most of the day today, I feel ready. Also caught up on job #2, and went to play disc golf and grab a beer with my co-worker friend, He did get me the job after all, even if the extremely high pressure has made it apparent how different we are,

W has been very encouraging and great to talk to through all of this. I'm learning to take some of her advice and ignore that she sounds just like FIL while giving it. As much as it bugs me, she and her family know a lot about this stuff.

An interesting story that hit me this morning: W mentioned that while we were out grocery shopping I picked up ice cream before completely done shopping, so it was "melty" when we got home. She said she was going to say something, but figured that I was a big boy who could make my own decisions. I chided her a bit, said "oh, so you didn't say anything but you're bringing it up now?"

She said "no, two years ago I would have just said it. So I think that's progress."

The more I think about it, she's right. It's definitely a coping mechanism and built in from her childhood that W is extremely black and white. There's a right way of doing everything, and the goal in life is to get it perfect. Whatever FIL would agree with is the measure of that of course.

This all drove me crazy during our marriage, and I reacted to this advice instead of being open to it. In this small example, I told her it crossed my mind about the ice cream, but we were almost done and I didn't think it would matter. In the end, she was right as usual. But we're learning that we can be our own people and make our own decisions without trying to control each other any more. And our relationship is so much better because of it.

[MichelleLT]

But we're learning that we can be our own people and make our own decisions without trying to control each other any more. And our relationship is so much better because of it.

And that is some amazing progress!

Your communication sounds much better too!

[jon2911]

My company's owner was back in the office this week, and I didn't get a chance to talk to him about the promotion, but I'm planning to send him an e-mail today. The client love my work on the web site, though he was very demanding and we went back and forth on some things all week. Great experience though, and I have something I can be very proud of to show to the owner.

It was a stressful week, but good weekend. Got a much-needed project done installing a fan in my attic, and the house is much cooler already. Also got some recording done for a project I'm working on and made some money playing at a church today. Tired, so a nap is about to happen.

My boss shot out an e-mail that we're having a company party on Friday, going bowling. My first thought was that W asked to be penciled in that weekend, but then I thought she might come. She was OK coming to my band's show, so maybe this could be an important step? No one at work knows anything except my buddy who got me the job, and he and his wife have been wanting to see her for a while.

My iPhone was stolen from the gym Friday night, which is really frustrating and bad timing. Haven't been able to talk to W since then. My friend found me an old AT&T phone and I should have it by Tuesday. We IM'ed a little bit Friday night, but she was busy with family stuff all day yesterday.

I'm a bit stressed about the weekend and how to bring it up, but hopefully it will happen naturally like the last time. Any ideas are appreciated.

One cool story from the week. Wednesday night, W called raving about this new Brazilian hair treatment she tried. It's kept her. Hair amazingly straight for a few days, even after washing. She said "I know you aren't interested in this, but my Aunt and SIL are on vacation so I have no one else to tell." I realized I hadn't sounded interested, and took the time to really listen. A friend at recovery group mentioned how "you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone", and in his M he never appreciated his W sharing her life with him. There was no problem to fix, so it felt like a waste of time. Now he realizes how essential that is and takes time to listen. I realized that W and I have gotten back in the swing of these "how was your day" talks, and how much progress that is.

Now for that nap. I'm hoping the world looks a lot brighter afterwards, as it should.

[jon2911]

Good week, but hard. I sent an e-mail to Max, who owns the company, linking to my first full web site and asking to meet with him. Lots of advice from W on how to word that. I'm very happy with how it came out.

http://www.alex-transportation.com

Got a freebie phone Tuesday night, so thankful for it. I'm really getting serious with this Dave Ramsey stuff. He said the other day "broke people ask how much a month, rich people ask how much". Ouch. Another iPhone would be $1,000 by that measure.

I have some friends in town until Friday, then the company bowling party. Went out last night to a William Fitzsimmons show, incredible! He writes most of his songs about divorce, believe it or not. Actually very healing stuff and it was all new to me.

Called W after the show, asked if we were still on for the weekend and told her I'd love her to come to the party. She said "no, you don't need to have a W sometimes, and then not other times". I told her no one knows anything, it wouldn't matter. She said again "that wouldn't be good". I told her I was upset with the timing on a weekend she was supposed to be here, but would still love for her to come.

It was a crazy idea anyway, but would have been fun. IM this morning "Bummed it didn't work out but it's probably for the best since I've been feeling so poorly." Then a dream she had about a mutual friend of ours.

I called and told her she's still welcome to come and skip the party. She said she'd need to leave Saturday afternoon anyway. She seemed really down. Has a big meeting with an insurance company today. I know her Medicare kicks in next month, but COBRA ended this month. So she might be in a bind.

It's amazing to even think of W on Medicare. She was always talking down about people who used it.

I don't want to go to the party without her. I think it was worth the risk, in case she surprised me like when she came to my show and agreed to meet the band. I'm just sad, questioning whether things really are moving forward. It seemed like they were earlier this month, and now we're back to being stuck. Reading her message from this morning is encouraging though. At least she was "bummed". And bringing up a mutual college friend she's cut off contact with is big also.

[jon2911]

Good talk with W last night, she was headed back to Port Arthur from Houston. She was a bit vague about her insurance meeting, but said it went well. She had done a lot of research and they were impressed.

She also said she tried a new tactic with FIL. He started railing at her about something they've been over many times before. She sat silent, let him finish, then didn't give any response. No nod, nothing. He was taken aback, there was a long, drawn out silence, and he said "are you asleep?" She said, "I have nothing to add to this conversation". So he tried again with the same response, and let up after that.

She said "I'll make my decision and let you know". I can't help but wonder what this big issue was, but I told W that her stand was impressive. I don't think I could do that.

Wise people don't allow negative feelings or the absence of loving feelings to make them question their commitment to their spouses.

Went to the conference my friends are in town for, it was great. Watched kick-ass later at their hotel and loved it. I called W briefly, she had heard of the hotel, GFIL stayed there 20 years ago and still talks about it. That was fun. My friends described The Warwick as "the kind of hotel James Bond would stay in". Fun times.

[MichelleLT]

It's amazing to even think of W on Medicare. She was always talking down about people who used it.

I'm sure that's part of the reason she's a little withdrawn. Not to mention possibly being w/o any coverage for a month.

It's so awesome to see you guys talking so frequently, communicating about everything.

It also sounds like she is doing some hard growing up.

Standing up to FIL. Having to eat her own pride and go on medicare.

I think it'll be good for her.

[jon2911]

Talked with W Friday night and sent her a picture from the pet store, she texted me that she was going to bed before my company party was done. Talked quite a bit Saturday and Saturday night.

W called at 8:45 Sunday night to tell me about the church she's been going to. She liked the music and the sermon, and said "that was encouraging." She couldn't talk long, but asked if she could call at 10:15. After getting off I realized how disappointed I sounded. I was tired and heading to bed, but decided to stay up to talk to her. She texted a bit later "can't talk tonight, night night."

Got an IM from her at work Monday wondering about how Amazon MP3 works with iTunes. My phone had died so I called her from work after closing. It was a fun chat, she chided me "you weren't very good at Tech Support today" because I didn't answer her IM for a couple hours. She told me about the album she bought on Amazon, and it's actually a band that goes to my church. I started talking about how cool they are, and she cut me off, said "you're talking too much. Actually, the last several times we've talked you talked to much". I apologized, thanked her for letting me know. She said she had to go watch The Bachelorette with her Aunt and ended the conversation.

I went out to eat with a friend, was going to skip because I was tired and stressed, and had a breakfast meeting this morning. W's comments made me realize I was a bit clingy this morning. Probably knowing we had plans and that they fell through got to me. I definitely felt lonely, and it showed. Need to get back in GAL mode.

Things were improving so much during our last visit, and while her Aunt and SIL were on vacation. Now she has them back in town so here is the pullback. Noticed an IM when I got into work, "I'm sorry. Maybe I need a break from our chats".

Ouch. Guess I read that right. I did miss a call from her last night after I went to bed.

Talked with a friend over breakfast this morning about what to do when I'm feeling lonely. I told him it's mainly the weekend that I don't get to see W. I need to come up with some goals on that.