Asked how she was doing and if she wanted to meet when I brought back her car. Her answer was no, she couldn't but did I want her to call. I said no, dropped off the car and went on my way. All I really accomplished by this was pursuing (bad move) and getting rejected (sad move). I guess I have a hard time learning my lesson.
Seems to me you just did.
It's like that old joke: "Doctor, Doctor, it hurts when I do this (gesture)." Doctor: "Don't do that."
There will be time for those AOSs and thoughtful gestures down the road, L4S, if you play your cards right. It's not near time yet.
I have stumbled upon OM email address. I have been looking for a sample of a letter to the OM and wondering if this is something I should consider sending. He was aware from the beginning that she is married and it hasn't had an impact on him to this point, so would a letter just be a chance for him to gloat that he has got the girl? I'm not sure if I even want to do it, or why. Any insight out there?
M - 43 WAXW - 42 Married - 24 years Together - 25 years S - 23 - passed away 10/17/09 S - 22 Bomb - PA - 6/23/10 - WAW moved in with OM same night D-day - 9/17/10
I have told her that I am willing to wait days, weeks, months or years, because my love for her is that strong and our M means that much to me.
Believe it or not - most women prefer their man FIGHT for their marriages, rather than WAIT for them. It shows strength, self respect, confidence. Waiting is, well, just waiting.
Greek,
What kinds of actions do any of us take to FIGHT for our marriages, considering the circumstances - seperated, OM, no feelings from W?
No reason to worry about it now. As part of my GAL and living for me, I emailed her and let her know that as someone who didn't like cats, I wasn't go to end up as the one with the cat and that she needed to let me know where to take it. She used that as an opportunity to let me know that we needed to sit down and go over bills and assets and decide who was going to take care of what, and who was going to get what. I asked if that meant she was done and, of course, the answer was yes. Twenty-five years together and it is over just like that. I melted down a little, but have since recovered with the help of a great-listening friend. If anything, this will help me push down the path of GAL and learning to live without her. I haven't given up hope, but I must admit it appears much dimmer to me than it did a couple of days ago.
She is coming over tomorrow to go over finances and I told her that when she left, there was to be nothing of hers left in the house. If this is how she wants it, she is going to get it all the way. Also, she earns about twice what I do, but wants to split things 50/50. I contacted a friend that is a divorce attorney ( I wanted to wait about 6 more months on that move) and told him the situation. He said it was okay to discuss it, but not to agree to anything until he and I sat down early next week to go over it. I let her know that was the case, so tomorrow may be interesting. My plan with the attorney is separation paperwork, not divorce. But I don't plan on waiting too long to begin the process of divorce. I can always slow it down, or stop it, if she comes to her senses. If not, I need to have my a$$ covered.
So, I spent the last 1.5 hours packing up all her stuff and setting it by the door so the incredibly sad process of watching her pack it up slowly doesn't have to happen. I texted and told her to clean out her trunk, because she was going to need all the room she could get.
Said some things in our conversation tonight that probably weren't good for DBing, but I have to admit I am glad I got them out. The one thing I did do right was I let her know that I was praying for her multiple times a day to mend her relationship with God. I said, and I meant it, that regardless of how our situation ends up the most important thing to me is that she gets right with him and that is what I pray for. To give an idea of how clueless this WAW is, she said she was sorry she hurt me. I responded that she needed to understand that she didn't hurt me (past tense) but that she was hurting me (present tense). It isn't like this just goes away in a day or two.
Enough rambling. Suffice it to say today sucked and tomorrow will make it seem pleasant.
M - 43 WAXW - 42 Married - 24 years Together - 25 years S - 23 - passed away 10/17/09 S - 22 Bomb - PA - 6/23/10 - WAW moved in with OM same night D-day - 9/17/10
Not bad, L4S. I'd give you a solid "B." Delete the "Does this mean you are done?" (PURSUING! ) and the breaking down in front of her (NEEDY!), and it's probably an "A." (altho you didn't tell us what the other things you said that you probably shouldn't ).
I'm glad you're getting legal advice. The way to play this is a VERY hard legal stand, a strong anti-affair stand, but keep an open, civil heart toward your wife. But do NOT lower your bar on the holiness that you expect in your home, which you're not, and I'm glad.
Let your atty be the hard-ass. Do NOT agree to ANYTHING on your own. "That's an interesting offer; I'll run it by my attorney and we'll get back to you" will be your standard answer from here on out.
Your wife is on what I call a "hell-bent" course. It's still a standard affair "script," but I only see this in maybe 20-25% of the cases. Hoosiermama's husband is one that I am the most familiar with, that comes to mind. These ones are very tough to DB, and you have to accelerate everything, because she's running so fast away from your marriage. It usually comes from either heavy pressure they're getting from their OP, or SEVERE unhappiness with the betrayed spouse (maybe marital history of verbal abuse, or worse). From your sitch, I'm sure it's the former, unless there's something you're not telling us. I just don't see anything in your initial post that would be a reason to be "hell-bent."
I'm sorry, I know this sucks. You've got to keep telling yourself two things:
- This is NOT about you, it is about HER;
- She is basically an ADDICT at this stage. Affairs are HIGHLY addictive, and it is driving everything she does and says. TRY (I know it's hard) not to take it all personally.
She WILL crash -- hard -- at some point, and regret all of this. It could happen next week, or it could happen two years from now. But it WILL happen, and it WON'T be pretty.
Thanks, Puppy. It went about the way I expected, except it was a lot harder on her than I thought it would be. Definitely more tears from her than me. She didn't understand why I wanted all of her stuff out of the house. I held my ground and said "you don't quit a job but keep stuff in the office to go back and get when you need to and you aren't doing that to me with our M." When she said she had no place for the stuff, I told her to rent a storage locker. I reiterated that she was welcome to keep everything here if the affair ended and she was in her own apt., but not in the current situation.
She agreed to the spreadsheet I had set up for the splitting of the bills, which was very surprising to me. She makes roughly 2/3 of our income, so I saddled her with 2/3 of the debt. Once I explained my rationale, she not only understood, but asked if there was something else she could pay that would help me out.
I helped her load up her car with all of her stuff before she left. Actually, I loaded most of it while she wandered through the house like a lost child. She just hadn't thought through how hard it was going to be when this happened. Before she left, I thanked her for 25 great years and told her I wouldn't forget a moment. In the course of the morning I had told her that in her current sitch I wouldn't talk to her about anything but finances, the dogs, and our son. However, if her sitch changes I would love to date her and see if a new R was something we could build. I know, PURSUING, but I still give myself a B+ for the morning.
M - 43 WAXW - 42 Married - 24 years Together - 25 years S - 23 - passed away 10/17/09 S - 22 Bomb - PA - 6/23/10 - WAW moved in with OM same night D-day - 9/17/10
Yeah, and I was about to give you an "A-" for this, but then this:
Quote:
Before she left, I thanked her for 25 great years and told her I wouldn't forget a moment.
let me be the first to say it:
"Blcccch!" (((spew)))
She's ripping out your heart by having an affair with another man, and you THANK her???
God, I don't know where to start, so I'll just say:
Supplicating. It's NOT attractive, and it DOESN'T work. We tried to tell you this in our very first posts to you. If you could eliminate your need to do this, and take the "civil" route, while maintaining the excellent financial and other boundaries that you've set, you'd have your best chance.
I'm not saying be an ass, but I don't think this stuff helps you.
She agreed to the spreadsheet I had set up for the splitting of the bills, which was very surprising to me. She makes roughly 2/3 of our income, so I saddled her with 2/3 of the debt. Once I explained my rationale, she not only understood, but asked if there was something else she could pay that would help me out.
) and the breaking down in front of her (NEEDY!), and it's probably an "A." (altho you didn't tell us what the other things you said that you probably shouldn't 
).
(((spew)))