Real quick – just learned that my W is back in touch with the guy she had the A with (via Facebook/Gmail – fake accounts that have no other “friends”)…we are currently on our vacation in Maui and I am struggling with how to handle this (confront now vs. waiting until we get home - not until next weekend, essentially).
Want to not blow up the vacation for everyone but am feeling like I’ll be proceeding with divorce/separation once we get back…they were previously not in touch (supposedly) since about April, and not sure when the re-contact happened (and the "why" behind it). She has been saying lately that she wanted another "solo" trip in the near future, and now seeing what that is about.
Has definitely not been a good trip – she’s been really moody and it feels like we’re back to the “old” marriage…feeling now like just throwing her to this guy and moving on…
Any ideas about how you would handle appreciated…thanks.
I'm so sorry, NLG. I'd be inclined to cut the trip short, but that's just me.
Is this trip just the two of you? Anything YOU'D like to do while you're there, that you could go do on your own, or even just suck it up and do together, knowing in your own heart you're doing it for YOU? Cuz I think this falls into the category of "there's no sense punishing YOURSELF for what your WIFE is doing."
Have you ever, while NOT in the heat of the moment, sat down and decided heading into this reconcilation period how many "strikes" you're willing to tolerate? I always advise people to do this. Maybe it's:
- ONE, but only if it's self-confessed.
or
- ONE, and if not self-confessed, so long as she tells the truth when confronted.
or
- TWO
or
- ZERO
or
- Something else?
Because I've found that these are the times -- when your gut's churning with the discovery of the reconflagration -- that you do NOT want to be making such important decisions. It's best if you've ALREADY decided what your boundary is going to be, and even better if that's been communicated to your wife already.
Thanks, guys - am here with the full family (W, 2 kids, my sister) so have (I think) done a good job of holding it together on this trip, so no desire to cut it short...have been doing things for me and actually even had a good time with W last night on our "date" night out (despite everything - nothing like a few drinks to ease the tension)).
Think I may have figured out her password on that account, so want to be able to do some more digging when we get back before the full-on confrontation about this so she can't try to wiggle out of it...in discussing again w/ my sister, she has both a fake FB account using OM's last name (with OM as the only "friend") and an associated gmail account (which I think they're using as a way to talk to each other using the same account).
Have 2 more full days of the trip, then will be back home this Friday...
In piecing things together, looks like this account has been in place since at least June (and now strongly suspect he came down to see her right before our trip, as I took the kids a few days earlier to my sister's house (half-way to Hawaii) for a few days while she "worked" from home for a few days))...even remember her saying 1 of the nights she "went to bed early".
Funny how going through this roller coaster a few times the highs and lows are modulated - I'm not even freaking out this time, and feel like I will be really calm when I get around to discussing all of this.
During our dinner out, was weird that she was talking all of this future-tense stuff with us - anniversary trip in October, going to the next destination for this meeting next year (Paris) - funny how the WAW brain can segment things. Did also mention a desire to take a trip "by herself" in the near future.
Just want to fully be able to get as much recon as I can before I have this conversation with her, as my sister didn't honestly see a whole lot (but could see that she had logged onto both the FB and gmail account with OM's last name in both cases.
Oh, the webs they do weave to deceive...will definitely keep y'all posted on things upon return - thanks for all the helpful advice and helping me keep it together for a few more days.
NLG
PS: still thinking through Puppy's "# of strikes" question, but honestly feeling pretty done now given the recontact (and even potential for them having actually seeing each other before coming on this trip)...will still depend, for me, on what I'm able to see RE: the recontact (and if there's any "confession" around any of this, which I'd be shocked by at this point given she's seems at minimum to be back in an EA) - obviously this guy has a hold on her that is worth risking all of this (while continuing to give "lip service" to us reconnecting as a couple).
Back from vacation (managed to not drop the bomb during, but was hard to keep it together and not be a moody grump)...10 hours flight w/ 2 kids + W didn't help + losing 6 hrs)!
Need to look into Mac keyloggers (haven't done that yet) but feel like I have enough to go on already to have a conversation (would like to see the "reality", of course to see what's really up and essentially how deep she is again)...
Just tried to hack the email/FB accts to no avail with the "other" password I know...man, this really made my trip a lot less fun (but glad I got through it - kids even had their "best day ever" (snorkeling/boat trip))...
So had the initial “talk” with W yesterday about her “secret” Facebook/Gmail account…her account is that she hasn’t been conversing/seeing him but wanted a way to see “what he’s doing” (by seeing his FB updates) and had made up the fake Gmail account to be able to set up the FB account (contrary to our mutual agreement that she not be FB “friends” or anything else). She said there’s no emails in the Gmail acct.
Also said “you weren’t supposed to find out about this” and basically made it sound like she wasn’t planning on disabling this account after having this conversation (as “I don’t want to be with him, but want to know what he’s up to”)…??? and “don’t have any plans now or in the future to see him” and is still trying and make “us” work (actually said she feels like she’s trying and she’s hitting a brick wall with me, of course, I’ve been feeling the exact same way).
Told her there is no way in my mind we can begin to try to reconnect as long as there’s any contact between the 2 of them (even if it were true that they have not actually been in contact other than through FB updates).
Didn’t get to fully finish the conversation as the kids came downstairs (then had a hell of a night w/ the kids, with both of them in our bed last night with various bad dreams)…
Have a session with my IC tomorrow and going to do my best to wait to discuss this any further with her until then (as I’m hoping I’ll be able to sort out my head a little bit in the next day or so)…clearly, it is unacceptable to me for her to remain in any kind of contact with OM for any of this to ever work (even if she proclaims she “doesn’t want to be with him” and that any contact is “harmless”)…
Was probably a mistake to confront based on no actual, specific knowledge, but honestly couldn’t take it any more (and do not believe she hasn’t been in contact at least via email/FB)…
So had the initial “talk” with W yesterday about her “secret” Facebook/Gmail account…her account is that she hasn’t been conversing/seeing him but wanted a way to see “what he’s doing” (by seeing his FB updates) and had made up the fake Gmail account to be able to set up the FB account (contrary to our mutual agreement that she not be FB “friends” or anything else). She said there’s no emails in the Gmail acct.
Also said “you weren’t supposed to find out about this” and basically made it sound like she wasn’t planning on disabling this account after having this conversation (as “I don’t want to be with him, but want to know what he’s up to”)…??? and “don’t have any plans now or in the future to see him” and is still trying and make “us” work (actually said she feels like she’s trying and she’s hitting a brick wall with me, of course, I’ve been feeling the exact same way).
NLG,
You are not wrong in your stance, and any good IC or MC will back you up. Physiologically, doing things like "seeing what he's doing," etc., is 'CONTACT', and it sets your wife's withdrawal "clock" back to 0:00:00 every time she does it. Even NEGATIVE contact (gossiping a negative rumor about him, having a fight with him, allowing someone else to talk to her, negatively, about him) has a chemical affect on her brain.
This is basic human physiology, consistent with the "withdrawal" period of any addiction.
