Will respond to R2C about GAL later. think I have been doing quite a bit, but need some privacy.
You are right PMA, I do want someone that appreciates me. I'm just worried about trying to find someone. I don't really think he wants her. He cries to his W that he wants to get back together. And I still do love my W. Maybe it is just time to keep moving. I did a little dance by myself today while I was mowing the lawn!
Took kids to get W a present for her b-day today. Got a couple CD's and a card. I let them pick whatever they wanted to.
Her B-day is July 20th, which is the same as our wedding anniversary. A bunch of women at work that I have known for 20 yrs, not better looking than W, suggested that we go out that night, but I thought I should be here to celebrate with the kids. We usually go out for dinner, but probably not this year.
So, should I go out with the ladies or be with the kids? I guess W could take the kids out for dinner by herself!
I get it. We all do. But that doesnt matter right now. YOU have NO CONTROL over what she feels or thinks. She has to want this. How can you help FACILITATE her wanting YOU? YOU become the best YOU YOU can be by GAL, PMA 180's. That's it. Detach and let her do her thing. Set boundaries that have serious consequences if not adhered to. In other words be the MAN that we all know you can be for YOU and your DAUGHTERS.
Forget about the wed anniver. right now. just ignore it like she will. There is plenty time to celebrate that later when or if you 2 are together. For now just help the kids celebrate their MOM's BDAY. that's it!! B strong Not needy. B confident!! It's her lose remember.
Now get out there and enjoy this beautiful summer weekend. Get busy living or get busy dying. YOUR CHOICE.
You are flying with the crows instead of with the eagles. This is high school mentality crap. Stay out of the mud w the swine. Need any other metaphors??
You need to be better then this. If he wants her. Let him have her. Do you really want sloppy seconds?
B better then this.
You should want someone that thanks God everyday for you.
W is taking kids to her brother's house on Sat overnight. I am going to golf with my brother at a nice course tomorrow. Then maybe out for dinner.
What have I done to GAL?
Since W filed I:
6/11 - Went to cubs game with a group from work and went out to Wrigleyville bars after for a while.
6/18 - Went out with my brother, he is single, and his friends on his birthday. Out for drinks, dinner and then to a singles bar. That didn't go too well and I missed W. Lots of women there, but I didn't really see any better looking than W. W is really pretty good looking. When I am out, I look around and don't see many that I think are better. Mostly I don't see any. Stayed at my brothers house that night.
6/19 & 6/20 - took kids fishing both days and had a campfire at night. W was gone from Noon - 2:40am.
6/29 - joined softball team, played a game and went out after for a few.
6/25 - Went to a music festival with friend and his W and stayed overnight at their house. Met some new people there, divorced guys and talked a lot of D.
7/2 & 7/4 Took kids to grandmas without W. Reconnected with a couple old friends, swam, fireworks.
7/10 - Took S golfing 9 holes. Went to local carnival. Took kids to Brewers game with brother. Saw W at game and she came over to visit for an inning or so.
7/11 - Took kids to Renaissance Faire with friends family.
7/17 - Going golfing with brother.
General - been spending a lot of time with neighbors who have been very supportive.
I am going on a Trip to Europe in September for work and we are extending it and going to Oktoberfest in Munich Germany! W knows I will be gone, but not where.
I really don't have new friends so much as spending time with people I already know.
I never had a lot of female friends, but I guess it is time to start, although I am not sure where to start. I've never been good at dating.
All looks good. Im going to the cubs game on tues. night. From chi originally but live hr away.
Love partying in Wrigley
You are doing well. As you've heard. this is a long and painful process, but if you prepare yourself mentally for the long winter sort of speak you will prevail.
Making even friends and possibly even dating is not about meeting women but about boosting your self-confidence. Just go out and continue meeting new people and networking. Making new friends. Realizing your life will go on w or without her.
Look up the parable of the castle and the picnic. Makes a lot of sense.
...I never had a lot of female friends, but I guess it is time to start, although I am not sure where to start. I've never been good at dating.
I would like to suggest that you let W miss you...W can spend BD with KIDS.
On your list of attraction, you missed good grooming.....
Have you got a new hair style yet? (Do you want one?)
New clothes? New style of clothes? I would go shopping...(Don't know where to go, approach attractive ladies and ask for recommendations for a good men's clothing store. (IE that is one way to approach and talk to attractive ladies))
Spend lots of time getting ready to go out with the group of ladies.......Enjoy their company that night.....
This may surprise W...But really, you do these things for you. (PS: Woman find surprises attractive)
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Woman are attracted to a man that can make them laugh. Why do they laugh....because HE said/did something that surprised them. Right when they think they can predict you, PROVE THEM WRONG. Do NOT be predictable and boring.
I would put money on it that your W expects you to want to join her on her BD. SURPRISE HER!
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I didn't get a new hairstyle. I'll think about it. I have never been too conscious of that kind of stuff, but I am making sure to shave more often, keep my hair cut rather than letting it grow out and wearing cologne.
I do need some new clothes. A lady friend of mine from work has offered to take me, but she is married. I have lost a lot of weight, so my clothes don't fit too good right now. I was kind of waiting to see if I was going to lose more or not. We bought clothes for W a while back and she kept losing and those don't fit anymore. I'll try the tip on asking pretty ladies where to shop.
I did have the ladies at the lunch table laughing the other day. that is something I'm pretty good at. I like to tell stories and was making jokes about getting D and dating. They were telling me not to date too young or anyone from work. Some of the talk got a bit nasty, but we had a good lunch.
Spent time with the kids and the neighbors last night as W went to "friends house" until about midnight.
She felt the need to talk to me this morning before her walk and tel me she was cutting back on the cardio because she continues to lose weight. She is almost down to 125lbs at 5' 10". Her aunt flo is also back, full blown, after only 12 days. I told her she should go see her doctor. She said "We'll see how it goes." I said you've been doing that for a long time already.
Yesterday she told me that she can't just sit around anymore. I ask if she needs help with anything and she says, No, I am just doing this, but then she does about 4 or 5 more things. Always has to be doing something. I asked why and she said due to all the stress. I asked her why she is so stressed out and she said, isn't it obvious? I told her it is a choice and proceeded to vacuum the upstairs.
Sitch seems to be bothering her, but she is stone faced and soldiering on.
Somehow managed to lose a long post that I was working on, so here is the abridged version, but it is still l-o-n-g!
W took kids to her brother’s on Sat for an overnight with the cousins.
So, my brother came to town and we played golf. While golfing, our sandals that we left in the car essentially melted. The insoles on his bubbled-up, while mine curled-up like elf shoes. They were $40 Columbia’s and they were ruined, so I was kind of upset. Took them back to the store today and they exchanged them for new ones!!! Bro and I had some really nice steaks and vegetables on the grill for dinner and then went to the neighbors for music and drinks. We had a good time. Didn’t miss W at all.
Today, W got home about 3pm. Bro and I had put up some outdoor speakers in the back yard and a hose hangar in the garage. Basic home improvement stuff. I went over to the neighbors again for about 45 minutes and left my phone in the kitchen. I noticed it was in a different position when I came back, so I asked W if she was reading my e-mails again. She said yes, I figured you left it there for me, so I read it. There wasn’t anything interesting though and I won’t be reading them anymore. I said you can read my e-mails any time you want to, I have nothing to hide. We argued a bit and I told her she was pathetic. She said that I was pathetic if I thought OM had anything to do with our sitch. I said it doesn’t matter if he does or not, she has other issues that she needs to take care of and I walked away.
Went to see how other neighbor’s fishing vacation went and then went to a local bar that serves excellent food to get a sandwich and a beer. There was this hot little blondie (yes, I’m partial to blonde’s) tending bar and waitressing and I asked her if they had any ales on tap. “Bitter Woman” she says. It is my favorite beer in the bar! I love bitter ale’s, so I told her I would have one. W hates this kind of beer, but it is my favorite, so right off the bat we have something in common. There are other guys in the bar that know this woman and she says something about being bitter herself and I say, “I don’t think you are bitter.” One of the guys says, “you don’t know that”, and we all laugh.
I order some food and she tells me that she is new in this job and isn’t very smart, so she still needs to work at it. I told her that I didn’t think this was rocket science and that I was sure she would pick it up quickly. This was only a part-time summer job for her, since she was a special education teacher during the school year. I ordered some food and I asked her about her job, her degree, etc. She said she was a social worker in the past and had a social welfare degree. I told her that was the same as my EX, who was a probation and parole officer. We chatted a bit more about this and then she started to tell me about the garden she was trying to grow, her first one ever. I used to have a very large garden at my old house, so I know how to talk about all of that. It was a good conversation and she mentioned to the other workers that we were talking about her garden. We hit it off pretty god. I found out she has a 2yr old son and lives locally. I asked her her name, told her mine and said that I would probably see her again. She works there on Thursday’s and Sunday’s. I think I may have found a new hangout!! While I was at the bar, S called with some stereo questions and asks me where I am. I tell him that I went out for a sandwich.
When I get home, W’s van is gone and so are the kids. I never told her I was going out for dinner by myself and didn’t care at all. I figured that since I talked to S, maybe she was mad and took the kids out for dinner too, although they had eaten mac & cheese about 4pm. The I see that she cooked burgers and hot-dogs on the grill. Don’t know what is going on. Apparently they took the dog to the boat launch for a swim and when they got back, D and I worked a bit in the yard. She said W was kind of mad that I left without asking them along and said, how did I know they didn’t want a sandwich too? I felt kind of good about making her mad!
We have a annual family vacation coming up where we spend a week in a cabin on the lake. When W said she was filing for D, I said we should cancel it because one, we couldn’t afford it and two, I didn’t know if I wanted to spend a week there with her with extended family in tow. She told me that we couldn’t cancel it, because the kids looked forward to it so much and that if we canceled, it might be as hard on the kids as the divorce would be. Is she f-ing kidding, or just delusional? Anyway, we were planning on going with just the 4 of us and perhaps two of the kids cousins tagging along for a couple of days. Well, this weekend, her brother told her and the kids that he didn’t think it was a good idea for the cousins to come along without their parents. All of her grand plans are going by the wayside!
So, for some unbeknownst reason, D asks W if she is coming on vacation with us. W says she doesn’t know and to ask her Dad. So tonight, D asks me if W is coming along. I tell D to tell mom to ask me herself and not ask through the kids. Why is she putting the kids in the middle of this? That just isn’t right. So when D and I go back in the house, she asks W again if she is going and W says that it is up to Dad whether or not she can go! She is the one who is insisting on both the D and the vacation, why is she doing this? I say nothing and D asks another question. W tells her we will talk about it later. Part of me wants to tell W that she cannot go and just do all the fishing, swimming, golfing, campfires, etc. with the kids myself. Forget W. I just don’t know at this point.
I also picked-up 4 tickets this weekend to see the Stone Temple Pilots at a small local venue in about a month. I wrote it on the calendar and when W saw the tix, she asked what they were for, so I told her, but didn’t invite her to come along.. We have seen STP together twice and really enjoyed the show both times. I think I may ask the blonde bartender if she wants to go with me!
Sorry for such a long post, but it was a pretty good week-end by my standards and things are beginning to look up for me.
Take care all and best of luck to everyone. I’ll be in touch when I can.
So when I leave for work today, W and the kids are all still in bed. W was talking to another mom about taking the kids to the beach today and not worrying about finding full-time work. She used to give me a hard time about not helping out much in the morning, but just leaving for work when I was ready. She'd say, "It must be nice just to get ready and then leave for work." No mention of the fact that she had a 10 minute commute while mine was 60 minutes, plus.
So before I left today I wrote her a note: "Must be nice to be able to sleep in on a Monday morning and then to take the kids to the beach rather than having to go to work."
