if you’re confident, independent and have self-esteem, you don’t need external validation
so to validate? agree? affirm? does it matter?
That's what I thought and that's what landed me here. It turns out that women need validation on a biochemical level and if they don't get it, it impedes their ability to produce certain hormones which inhibits their ability to handle stress and feel "connected." Surprise! At least, I was surprised to learn this. I feel like I should have been handed a manual at the altar. Take a look at John Gray's "Why Mars and Venus Collide: Improving Relationships by Understanding How Men and Women Cope Differently with Stress"
There is also a substantial difference between agreeing and validating and it is an important difference. After my wife dropped the bomb, we had a couple of R conversations. During one of them she said that she didn't remember ever having a conversation about emotions with me where she walked away feeling good about herself. That was news to me, not because I didn't realize that she never walked away feeling good, but BECAUSE I NEVER REALIZED WE HAD EVEN A SINGLE CONVERSATION ABOUT EMOTIONS!
I thought we were having discussions about actual family and child rearing issues that needed a resolution. She just needed to hear me acknowledge her feelings and worries and not tell her that she was overreacting etc. Now you can't always be in validation mode because sometimes you have to actually address the issues at hand. John Gray suggests that couples should be clear about what kind of conversation they are having. Hey, I certainly would have liked to have known.
Now if your spouse says that she is worried about (fill in some preposterous scenario) validating just means that you acknowledge that they are worried, not that the preposterous scenario is going to happen, is worth worrying about, etc., should be handled the way their fear seems to dictate.
Honestly, it's like learning a new language. I hope I'm not coming off as overbearing. I feel the grief pouring into this forum and it's a grief that I was very recently experiencing myself and I just want to share the insight that I have gained in a very narrow area. I don't know diddly about how to deal with PA or EA's, but I could be the poster boy for the withdrawing/invalidating husband, a distinction of which I am thoroughly ashamed.
