Catching up, guys. Sort of veering between total slack and hyperactivity--which means I'm not really completing anything.
Each day goes on, different sorrows, different things that are becoming--almost--dare I say it--fun again.
But I am NEVER getting the mail again!
You all know the terrible nights when I opened the mailbox to find letters from the bank addressed to OW. And then, one night when I was feeling particularly peaceful, reading the local paper to find an article about X extolling his virtues and the loss to the town his leaving would be. And then a few follow-up letters in the paper.
So, to this day, I approach the mailbox with trepidation. Today I did what I usually do: "it's OK, Aver, OW isn't going to get any mail here, no more articles in the paper.."
Tax bill addressed to both of us. OK, I can call City Hall and get that fixed. Flyer addressed to both of us. OK, I can get off the mailing list. Read the paper--no mention of X, of course not!
Then...as I flip over the last section--I found a letter from X.
Obviously a personal letter. Pretty thick, actually.
I assume it is his "closure" letter.
When he told me he was getting married, he also offered to "meet and talk, he was ready to" and had been "trying to get together with me for months" (when, exactly?)
I felt at the time, and still do:: I am past asking for closure. In August, I was willing to hear every dreadful thing I had ever done. I have flayed myself for months with my failings as a partner. I have said way more awful things about myself than X could possibly say. (I hope!)
And now--it's too late, buddy. I DON'T want to hear your complaints about our R, as realistic and justified as they may be. It's not that I am coming from a holy place of peace and reconciliation--it's definitely: "Oh, a conversation would make YOU feel better? Forget it!!"
Maybe I'll really have moved on when I feel like: you want to talk? OK, whatever! Say whatever you need to, ho, hum...
Not there yet.
So the question: when to read it. What friends can I torture with more weeping?
Or, v.2: send it back with a note saying: I don't feel it is appropriate for a married man to be sending private correspondence to another woman.
