Near WAW with EA - almost textbook sich

[doing my best]

Journaling about first MC session together. We have been going separately for several weeks.

MC says to W how have things been. W says that it has been hectic. Family from up North in town but it was a good visit and was nice distraction for our situation. MC asks me and I say yes it was nice but we actually have had some of our most intense discussions over the past few days and I believe that we both fully understand each other’s position. I then read from a list prepared earlier in the day which I had confirmed with W and summarizes where we are:.

W’s position is that she is committed to working on the relationship but that commitment level is not what I thought it was from a few days ago. Basically she will continue with MC sessions, she will continue to have R talks with me and share thoughts, she is willing to spend time with me by going out, having fun, and trying to live in the moment. She wants to work on a friendship with me and work towards that level at least. She has made it clear that our old relationship had no growth and that for her to have any future marriage relationship with me that she would need to feel the need that her and I are growing…..that even then, there may still be in the end her desire to leave and separate the family. That her hurt may be too much to get over. She does not believe I can change or make the changes necessary for her to have an emotional connection with me. That she hopes she can somehow find the connection but not sure if she can. That she hopes things can work out but not sure. That she will not contact old BF and that she says she hopes she can get over her feelings for him. However also says that even if a R with him were possible….that she does not desire one. Finally even though she thinks she wants out….she is still unsure…has dropped the negative feelings but still experiencing hurt.

MC looks at W and says is this all true? W says yes and then gives the Ghost metaphor from above.

I then state my position that I will continue to work on myself. I am going to live in the moment and have a positive attitude. Will work on our friendship and try to provide her space, non-pressure, and an atmosphere for healing. That I will continue to do my own soul searching and become a better husband and father with or without her in my life. I will continue to show a caring love and work on balancing affection and loving ways with stepping back and not smothering or clinging. That everything I am saying is without the guilt and remorse I had experienced during the first few weeks of our situation.

In no particular order the following items are discussed:

W described why she felt a separation was necessary....to be on own, to be free, to work on healing self, to have her own things, can be free from me and situation to determine true feelings. W painted a picture of herself in a 3 BR condo having the kids during the week and me having them during the weekend. Of course we would all get together for dinner or I might take one to Boy Scouts. Then her and I would date and maintain friendship and she would have the chance to see if being away from me would help make her want to be with me.. She tells MC that I have agreed that if we had the money we should do it. I jump in and correct her. I have said that if that is the path she chose....then I would have to accept it but I will not encourage it. I do not like the idea but cannot stop her if that is what she truly wants but it is HER moving out and the kids stay with me. I say that it does not even matter if we talk about this because it is not financially possible unless W goes to live at a friend’s house. W does not want to be separated from kids though and wants them to live with her.

I give examples of how we can look for opportunities to gain some space and not put pressure on her. I go through all of my examples (A few here on Board called me out for trying to fix). MC then summarizes what she is hearing and says to me....."You are acting desperate. Doing whatever you can to keep her in the house and not to leave". Then says to W..."It sounds as if you are just trying to have H work on self so that he can be stronger and allow you to walk out and feel better about yourself". W says....well it would be irresponsible to just leave him. I still care about him." (I had long suspected that she was just biding her time to leave and then would say she did all she could do). Anyway I look at W and say "it was irresponsible for you to "leave" our marriage and not tell me for 7 months." W says nothing.

MC asks W what is going well at home right now. W says that she likes getting home early from work to spend time with the kids by herself before I come home. She also says she enjoys seeing her friend next door and having a drink once in awhile to get out of the house. MC then asks what is not going well. W says lack of intimacy and affection and it is a shame that she has a husband right there. That she is either not interested in getting that from me or says I cannot provide it….something like that but bottom line is that husband right there and cannot get that. MC gives her stare down and it was an uncomfortable pause. Not sure if she said anything else. I think it was at this point she might have said that the situation at home and that she cannot heal with me there and her in the same environment where so much hurt and pain occurred.

W says it is the little things that she thinks is making a difference. I tell her that I enjoy doing nice things for her. I have a caring love that I would like to expand on but holding self back. I am doing these things sincerely and do not expect her to do anything but enjoy until she feels able to reflect the actions. Her offer to work on our friendship and to become good friends is as much as I can ask of her right now. I tell her we are starting over. I wish to rebuild a relationship after it has now been blown up….from the ashes. I tell W that I know she has said she moved on and does not want to turn back. I am not asking her to turn back….just slow down or wait for me to catch up and then maybe we can move forward together. I say that I am not looking to go back to that relationship. I am not going back to that old H.

Finally….I tell W that Sep and D that at the very least we owe it to the kids to try and work out our difficulties before going to that level. W launches into this thing about her vision of D and Sep. So at that point MC turns to me and asks me to repeat back what I just heard. So I look at W and say....you just said D could be a beautiful thing and that the kids would be able to adjust with no problems and no scars. That we would maintain some sort of close friendship and that this would be a learning experience for the kids to see how two people can still work through difficulties. Then MC looks at W and asks if that is what she said. W looks at me and can't speak...."uhm".... So I say would you like me to repeat that? So I do. MC looks at W and says….W, is that what you said?” W says “I never said beautiful”. That is true but I tell her that is how it came across to me. W then says she never said it would be easy and may be very tough….not sure even how rough it would be on her. She then asks about being friends with me no matter what happens and I tell her no....that I am not mad at her....but any friendship beyond being cordial could not happen the way she envisions it.

Well….those are the highlights. At end we make an appointment for next week. Agree to not talk about D or Sep or other issues outside of the sessions at this point. We walk outside. I say to W “boy that was tough”. She stops as I keep walking and says “come here”. She then gives me a long, deep, and strong hug. We then leave and go get the kids for pizza. Have a great time and then do not really interact all night. She goes into BR with D and I take one S and watch Batman Begins. It is a connection time with kids we have not done in 8 weeks.

Last night W really kind of ignored me all night….I basically left her alone. She went to bed early but did not really fall asleep. I watched a movie with the kids.

DMB