Gypsy, with the exception of one C I met, 3 years ago that immediately told me to divorce H and she would help me detach, the ones I have been seeing -I feel- can do very little for me now. It has all become very...personal now (sounds funny I know).
Switzerland was good. I think that smile you saw is sticking with me forever.
Journaling I have been keeping busy taking the kids swimming every night till after 10 all week. Work has actually become interesting- new things-new people, sharing an office with 3 men makes it...fun. They call me all sorts of things like sweetie, hot mama etc and it's funny how they've all relaxed seeing I am no "female" material and count me already as a pal, one of them... (men really love my straight forward attitude and crude LOL- sense of humor)(ask John if you dont believe me-LOLOL)
H has been OK. Drives me mad with his pretending "all is well" attitude. Working on a few things of my own: not letting anxiety put a hole in my stomach for one, focusing on positive things, looking at the big picture and most of all trying to be precise and direct when I want something. Having a bit of difficulty controlling how sincere I should be so that I dont become cruel.
H told me that I am still aggressive and no matter how much I try that is something that I havent changed. I think he misses the whole "being hurt" thing but I am being more careful of my reactions.
He seems to be happy -he told me so- living like we do with the slow progress we achieve and keeping things calm. Connection is limited, we have returned to famliar routines avoiding the hurtful ones of the past. At least most of the times.
He again told me "I make him feel he does all the wrong things" which is a HUGE red flag. But I am not buying it this time. All I tell him is how I feel. He wants me "toget over it" but without doing his work. He said I am a logic machine. Have heard that before in a different context. I realised that he has never "seen" the real me or if he has, he probably thought it was a rare occasion. Being so programmed to be independend, strong, self sufficient and "hands on" woman, I have created a profile that is only part of me and not who I am. It's interesting that there have been some people in my life that know me and H isnt one of them. I am thinking maybe he refuses to see my vulnerable side because that would mean he did hurt me more than he can take. Maybe...
Working on me me me has become so tiring. I need a break of some kind. Take care all, K
