Yesterday my W comes home and asks me if I want to go to the store with her. On our way to the store she turns off my radio and tells me that she's thinking lately about the two of us getting back together.
I'm absolutely floored and caught off gaurd about this. She starts talking about finances, and says how she's worried that we wont be on the same page about spending/saving money.
She said she's been thinking about what I said way back about us not knowing if we could make it unless we live together and try. She says that she thinks that this may be true.
We talked at great detail about things. I still don't know what to make of this. It still isn't something set in stone, but the fact that she's even considering it amazes me.
I was ready to move on, and was making all the steps to do so. Now i don't know what's going to happen. I'm sure we will press on with the direction we've been going because she's obviously still unsure. However just last week she didn't give us a chance.
She claims this has to do with the time and sapce she's been asking for. She may not acknowlege or think about what I say at the moment, but she says she does eventually digest and process.
I just really don't know what to do or think at this point.
Married 18 Me 39 W 37 D 15 D 5 Divorce Filed 8 April 2010 Beginning of Reconcile 8 Sept
"I'm not sure anymore, after going through this entire process, I'm not sure how I feel anymore about you or us as a couple, I've had to get used to the idea of not being with you and not being married because that's all you've wanted for the last several months and honestly I've lost some trust in you since you were willing to split us and our family apart I've had a lot of thinking to do on my part, you feel like considering the two of us getting back together again now but your feelings unfortunately seem to change regularly, and they may change again and that's something I have to consider and I would need to be able to trust you and your commitment to us, I don't want someone to stay with me just because of money, I want something better for me and the person I'm with. That's just me being honest, I hope you can understand that."
You've been pursuing her for so long, now you turn it around, you reject her indirectly, you've had an awakening now, you've been doing some thinking, maybe this is for the best, you don't want someone who is flakey and changes their mind every other day about the relationship they have with you, you want better, you're worth better.
It's counter-intuitive and it works, regardless of her initial reaction to you saying this. It's a soft rejection, you're not turning down the idea but you are taking her side on this issue where for the longest time you were on the opposite side of her on this issue. You adopt her thought and mindset on this when she didn't want to be married. This enables her to pursue you, this gives you higher value, this is what she wants, she wants to pursue you (or another man) that she can't have, give her what she wants (indirectly).
The idea is, YOU need time to think about this, it's your decision now, don't just jump at the offer she's giving you, you will get slammed down again. Make her work for it, make her show you she is committed to you and your family and not just because of money security issues.
I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
"I'm not sure anymore, after going through this entire process, I'm not sure how I feel anymore about you or us as a couple, I've had to get used to the idea of not being with you and not being married because that's all you've wanted for the last several months and honestly I've lost some trust in you since you were willing to split us and our family apart I've had a lot of thinking to do on my part, you feel like considering the two of us getting back together again now but your feelings unfortunately seem to change regularly, and they may change again and that's something I have to consider and I would need to be able to trust you and your commitment to us, I don't want someone to stay with me just because of money, I want something better for me and the person I'm with. That's just me being honest, I hope you can understand that."
and she responds:
Quote:
Wait, you lost me. Back in the beginning, before of the whale hunt. And who was Queequeg? Or was that the boat? No, the boat was the Pequod. Peleg, Bildad, Starbucks. All these names. It so confusing. Pip goes insane but Gabriel was insane... ahhhhh, nevermind. Lets back up, you said something about money.
i might say:
Quote:
Why don't we just take it slow. Wanna go for a beer.
Now we go to lunch together, and she tells me that she's going to pack and her and the girls are going to move.
She reminds me that she said she was only telling me that she was considering it, but never said she would do it.
She told me that she's tired of drama, and thinks it would be easier to just move out. She says something is always going to come up and she doesn't think she can deal with it.
Once again, I'm being jerked in two different directions. I know these things take time, but damn. this roller coaster is no fun at all.
Married 18 Me 39 W 37 D 15 D 5 Divorce Filed 8 April 2010 Beginning of Reconcile 8 Sept
you aren't being jerked around, you are being tested, and despite what she says about being tired of the drama, she loves it, she generates 99% of it herself,
use the script I provided, I knew she was going to flip flop like this, which is why I provided you with the script, she is going to bring it up again, I guarantee it, you aren't giving her anything to chase so she gets bored quickly, you're there standing by ready to say "YES! YES! YES!" and that's way too easy for her, let her work for it, display your value, otherwise continue complaining about being jerked in two different directions - lead in your direction and let her follow you otherwise let the "jerking" continue.
"I'm not sure anymore, after going through this entire process, I'm not sure how I feel anymore about you or us as a couple, I've had to get used to the idea of not being with you and not being married because that's all you've wanted for the last several months and honestly I've lost some trust in you since you were willing to split us and our family apart I've had a lot of thinking to do on my part, you feel like considering the two of us getting back together again now but your feelings unfortunately seem to change regularly, and they may change again and that's something I have to consider and I would need to be able to trust you and your commitment to us, I don't want someone to stay with me just because of money, I want something better for me and the person I'm with. That's just me being honest, I hope you can understand that."
you aren't being jerked around, you are being tested, and despite what she says about being tired of the drama, she loves it, she generates 99% of it herself,
use the script I provided, I knew she was going to flip flop like this, which is why I provided you with the script, she is going to bring it up again, I guarantee it, you aren't giving her anything to chase so she gets bored quickly, you're there standing by ready to say "YES! YES! YES!" and that's way too easy for her, let her work for it, display your value, otherwise continue complaining about being jerked in two different directions - lead in your direction and let her follow you otherwise let the "jerking" continue.
robx is dead on right with this. Two months ago I was right where you are, even further, as my W was saying she DID want to get back together, and consistently maintained that stance for over a month. I made it too easy for her, and now she's back to "wondering" about it. Listen to robx, follow his advice. I wish I had two months ago!
And yes, no matter what they say, they LOVE the drama. My W was oscillating between despair and elation all last year, and now she says "All I want is peace in my life." BS!
