New here, not sure where to start

[warriorshadow]

When the answer is no, I get frustrated or mad and think He did not
hear me or doesn't care the way I feel. Then some time passes. Sometimes days, months, or years. I get the answer then. If it was
no, I have been able to look back and realize that it truly was the best thing for it to be no. In fact, the big things in life, seem to take the longest to get the answer. But then the answer rings clear. If it would have been a yes I would have got a result
I truly did not want. I just did not know that I did not want it when I was asking.
My sitch could go either way. The fact that I am on this board tells you which way I want it to go. If yes, I have some huge challenges ahead. If no, I have some huge challenges ahead. Either way I am going to ask for guidance with the faith that
it is the best thing for me and my family. He has never let me down on that.
This may not sound very humble but the marriage I had was truly
wonderful up to this mess. If I look back all the years, I was there for my wife at the right place and right time from the beginning. My wife needed a guy like me to be there for the encouragement, praise, partnership,lover,husband, you name it.
I know deep down she would find that in her heart too. How do I know this? Because she has mentioned it many times in our marriage. Deep down is hard for her to face or find right now.
The thing that reminds me of this right now is when she would
say "I know you love me. Nobody else could put up with me."

So it sounds like you are very similar with your husband. I know it is tough to believe that his deep down is still there right now. So where did his deep down go? Nowhere. It can't be thrown
out, covered up or vaporized. They call it the sacred history.
It is permanently there till we all leave this planet some day.
You know in your heart how tight you were with your husband before this. I bet your husband needed a girl like you to
make it through life too.
That Dobson book irish mentioned I think relates to this too.

If they are in MLC, they have to be given space to work this mess
out. Makes no sense to you and me. They MUST travel this journey.
Sounds like hooey doesn't it?

I must get a lamborghini.
I must have my own personal jet.
I must ..............
I must .............
I must ..have a happy meal.

But you know and I know that this stuff won't make us happy.
Maybe a little while until the coolness fades.

So the MLC'r does not find happiness in whatever direction they
go. Until.... they wake up.. if they do... and realize where it
was all along. That is why the books all say to be there for your
husband through the depression. Be the guiding light.
Then they got someplace to return to and they will know how deeply you cared for them.

[ericmsant2]

ITay

I told you I would keep an eye on YOU.

there are so many..just so darn many sad stories here.

It’s funny I was where you were months ago. So many sad storied I said…so many..Then….I awoke…

Then…I grew….then I realized that I do not see sad stories – what I see is people growing, people changing. I see hope. Hope in the human spirit. Hope for all of us. That hope…that strength…that light…IT IS IN US. So yeah…God does answer prayer – he does – matter of fact he already answered the prayer – just look inside you’ll find it.

I told him I thought it was sad that he had to be around people like that all the time..and that I thought it would be so much better if he could be around people who actually had morals and were good people.

“I”, “I”, “I”…..Tay you have every right to YOUR opinion – YOUR views or ideas and guess what SO DOES YOUR HUSBAND. So when you tell him that YOU think this or YOU think that – you do not give HIM the chance to learn this stuff on his own. In short, you stunt his growth and for this to work…he really needs to grow.

if they are in MLC, they have to be given space to work this mess
out. Makes no sense to you and me. They MUST travel this journey.

Read this over and over Tay….I cannot stress enough how you must let him figure this out. The more you push, the more you say things that invalidate how he feels, the more you seem scared the farther away he will go. Once you understand this…we’ll then things all of sudden start to look different. FTR – it takes time to wrap your mind around this…so although we are all come at you right now I do realize that you will get there…You will get there in YOUR time..not mine..not your H.

So the MLC'r does not find happiness in whatever direction they
go. Until.... they wake up.. if they do... and realize where it
was all along.

Tay – no one here can say with 100% certainty that your H will wake up what we can say that if you really work on you…that YOU can be the light he looks for to find his way home. If you say you love him then you must be that light…you must show him..what it is to LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY.

You must show him that you love him enough to let him go…love him enough to remain in the distance with a light that he needs.

Be the light Tay…..be the light….

I am driving to NJ but I will check up on you later on...

God Bless,

Eric

[ltaylor]

Now I'm wondering if he really does have a match.com subscription. He may have just signed in to check it out. But like you all say..it doesn't really matter anyway, does it? It does help me to be a little more compassionate tho, if I think he was just checking and not actually meeting them. That hurts me.

I understand what you are saying, Eric and Warrior about being the light. He needs a light. And if I was going thru what he is, I would sure want him to be my light. Warrior, he has told me many times that he wouldn't be where he is today without me, that he was so glad we found each other, and with tears in his eyes even. So I know he meant it. Yes, we did have some moments..he started to act weird in about 2001, looking at other women, etc. I asked him about it and told him it hurt me and he stopped..or so he said. I would guess that he started the changes or maybe MLC long before I even thought. It took the deaths and the job to finally send him over the edge.

It's so darn hard when you can't be the light right now..and help them. God, it just rips my heart out to see him struggling with all of this. He knows he is acting crazy but seems unable to stop it. My friends tell me that we all go thru transitions in life and we know right from wrong. So this MLC is just an excuse to go out and screw other women. I totter back and forth with that. I think he knows, just can't stop himself. It really is about more than that tho. His anger, his confusion, his spiraling down, his forgetfulness, etc. Not just the other women. My biggest fear is that because he seems so stuck on having more kids..he will pursue that with a vengence and that will be a hard one for us to overcome. He will want to be with the mother and his child. That was the reason I asked you guys if I should try to nip this match.com thing in the bud. I didn't want it to get that far..sometimes there really is a point of no return.

Anyway, I could go on and on, but who cares, right? I can't do anything about it anyway. So I'm not even gonna think about it. I will just be the happy girl he met 20 years ago. I'll be nice and smile and not pressure him, keep telling him I'm glad he's home, and just try to make him feel secure. I will love him from a distance. I'll start doing things away from the house on the weekends so he can think by himself, (and screw other women) and I'll start looking into my future to see what I can do to keep myself busy. I will try to think the best of him and not dwell on the bad things. And just hope and pray with all my heart that he comes to his senses before it's too late.

[ltaylor]

Gritt..where are you today?

[PEI]

Anyway, I could go on and on, but who cares, right? I can't do anything about it anyway. So I'm not even gonna think about it. I will just be the happy girl he met 20 years ago. I'll be nice and smile and not pressure him, keep telling him I'm glad he's home, and just try to make him feel secure. I will love him from a distance. I'll start doing things away from the house on the weekends so he can think by himself, (and screw other women) and I'll start looking into my future to see what I can do to keep myself busy. I will try to think the best of him and not dwell on the bad things. And just hope and pray with all my heart that he comes to his senses before it's too late.

Feel better? I bet not. The pity party never helps. The sarcasm doesn't either. And the nastiness won't either. None of it will help you focus on YOU. You are paying lip service to working on you and getting the focus off H.

Honey, he may never "come to his senses". There are no guarentees.

That's why you must WORK ON YOU.

STOP FOCUSSING ON YOUR H.

PERIOD.

Taylor, help yourself. You are the only person you should be focussing on and worrying about.

PEI

[ltaylor]

PEI..I guess it may have sounded like a pity party..that's what happens when you don't hear voice inflections. Anyway, I was really trying to boost myself up today after having such a bad day yesterday. Eric keeps telling me I can do it..so I was trying to voice that..believe it by writing it. And yes, there was one tiny little bit of sarcasm about the screwing other women thing..just didn't want you guys to think that I was being a pollyanna and not seeing it for what it was.

I've been told to "fake it til I make it" so that's what I'm trying to do. I am in the process of writing myself a list of things to remember when I'm feeling down, like quitting. Things like "you can do this" "love from a distance" "be his light" "show compassion" "remember that he is really confused right now" -- stuff like that. It will help me to see it in writing and will be like meditating sort of. It will be my mantra..my little song. I can close my eyes and see my list and hopefully not have to go thru another day like yesterday. I was sick all dang day. So, enough of that.

I'll get there eventually. I think I've come a very long way since last Nov.

[PEI]

Now I'm wondering if he really does have a match.com subscription. He may have just signed in to check it out. But like you all say..it doesn't really matter anyway, does it? It does help me to be a little more compassionate tho, if I think he was just checking and not actually meeting them. That hurts me.

I understand what you are saying, Eric and Warrior about being the light. He needs a light. And if I was going thru what he is, I would sure want him to be my light. Warrior, he has told me many times that he wouldn't be where he is today without me, that he was so glad we found each other, and with tears in his eyes even. So I know he meant it. Yes, we did have some moments..he started to act weird in about 2001, looking at other women, etc. I asked him about it and told him it hurt me and he stopped..or so he said. I would guess that he started the changes or maybe MLC long before I even thought. It took the deaths and the job to finally send him over the edge.

It's so darn hard when you can't be the light right now..and help them. God, it just rips my heart out to see him struggling with all of this. He knows he is acting crazy but seems unable to stop it. My friends tell me that we all go thru transitions in life and we know right from wrong. So this MLC is just an excuse to go out and screw other women. I totter back and forth with that. I think he knows, just can't stop himself. It really is about more than that tho. His anger, his confusion, his spiraling down, his forgetfulness, etc. Not just the other women. My biggest fear is that because he seems so stuck on having more kids..he will pursue that with a vengence and that will be a hard one for us to overcome. He will want to be with the mother and his child. That was the reason I asked you guys if I should try to nip this match.com thing in the bud. I didn't want it to get that far..sometimes there really is a point of no return.

Anyway, I could go on and on, but who cares, right? I can't do anything about it anyway. So I'm not even gonna think about it. I will just be the happy girl he met 20 years ago. I'll be nice and smile and not pressure him, keep telling him I'm glad he's home, and just try to make him feel secure. I will love him from a distance. I'll start doing things away from the house on the weekends so he can think by himself, (and screw other women) and I'll start looking into my future to see what I can do to keep myself busy. I will try to think the best of him and not dwell on the bad things. And just hope and pray with all my heart that he comes to his senses before it's too late.

... just sayin' ...

PEI

[PEI]

BTW, Grit is on the road and says he'll be checkin' in and catchin' up a little later ....

[Truegritter]

I'm feeling down, like quitting.

I can only tell you this is the hardest thing I ever did in my life

And

The most amazing thing...

If you want to quit you will not just be quiting on your M.

You will be quitting on YOU.

THAT would be a shame. You are here and you have made it through 35 pages of posting. A tough 35 pages.

And I see you starting to hear. To listen and understand.

You have this in you. Keep at it.

Things like "you can do this" "love from a distance" "be his light" "show compassion" "remember that he is really confused right now" -- stuff like that.

These are just words to you right now and the ideas might be a little fuzzy.

Even the word detach might be fuzzy.

They will take shape for you as you move through this and will become real.

And be part of you.

This is the journey.

[ericmsant2]

ITay

I agree with Grit that you are begining to realize what we are telling you. From my experience you are still holding on. You are still consumed with thoughts of H and OP. You are still trying the "think" thru this. Tay - I'm sorry you can't. You can't think thru this..You can though GO thru it.

This is hard Tay...very hard. I know. Sometime the pain is just overwhelming. I get it.

I think writing down a list of phrases that you can refer to when you are feeling down is a good thing. In addition, to this list you need to write down when and why you feel the way that you do. In short, what triggers this. Once you know what it is you can do a better job of dealing with this.

I have seen you refer to God in several of your post..Now is the time to hold on to your faith. Now is the time to let go and let God. Now is the time to get closer to Him..to let Him shower you with His love. Now is the time for you to find a small moment of peace.

Tay - I believe with all of my heart that you can do this. You can. I am praying for you.

Hang tough you will make it.

God Bless,
Eric