today I feel like throwing in the towel with him. For real. Like I need to file for what he has turned my life into. But it's only 6 weeks today since the bomb dropped. So maybe it's just today.
We're all "done" at different times, Antonia. Only you can decide when you've had enough...
I love that analogy too, it's brilliant. I can tell you one thing. I do think it's about ego. My husband and his affair partner bonded first (according to him) over the works of Ayn Rand. Those books are all about egoism and sort of running roughshod over others to attain your own happiness and self-worth even if it is at the expense of others. He and I read this stuff when we met, and at our young ages of lower 20s, it seemed perfect because we were in that "screw the parents we want to do what we want" portion of our lives. Then we grew up. But apparently maybe he regressed, because for him to be attracted to that stuff in his 40s and use it to justify his affair is sickening and entirely about his own ego.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I honeslty don't think they want to destroy the LBS. They are in pain and lashing out and they know you will take it becuase you love them... Its like a child screaming nasty things at their parents. They yell at their parents because they know their parents will accept it and not disown them.
They really do think you will always be there, your HISTORY together PROVES it to them.. you spend YEARS building that confidence in them that you will always be there. Subconsiously I think the whole thing is a test of your commitment and that there isn't a definite intention to leave.. Only a lot of pain and a lot of confusion...
This gets me to thinking, in the same way that the above is a test, so is the whole waiting to see if you crack under the pressure a test. Back on the 4th or 5th day after my H left, I called him in a total panic and asked him if he'd made a decision yet. Then I said I was "out of people to come sit with me" till my anxiety subsided (which was going to happen once I got some sleep finally) and I asked him to come, saying he owed at least this much to me, to make sure I was well until someone else could take care of me. He said he would, but also suggested that I ask a family member to come get me. So then I said again did you make your decision yet, and he said well I was leaning towards something, but NOW THAT YOU'VE CALLED ME ALL PANICKY, YOU'VE CONFIRMED MY SUSPICIONS ABOUT YOU, AND I SEE THAT YOU'RE STILL NEEDY AND WEAK, AND I AM NOW DECIDING TO DIVORCE YOU BECAUSE OF THAT." So he was "confused" and "undecided" til I was the kicking screaming needy child, which is a natural reaction to being left in this way, and I think that he got a "resolve" to state the decision when I "failed his test."
It was a way for him to justify why he was leaving to himself or perhaps to others.
The beauty in a way of cutting off the WAS is that it is bound to remove his/her justification for leaving, if that justification was centered on the LBS as being needy or pressuring or clingy and begging. If we're not that way, then what is "wrong" with us? Nothing (not that there ever was anything wrong with us in the first place). I mean how much can the WAS tell himself that he made the right decision to leave if everyone else is seeing that we are MAKING IT and we are handling our lives and even improving them? If anything it might feed into others saying "jeez, it's GOOD you left him or her, look how great he/she is doing. You are an idiot for leaving such a stable and attractive person." I would think that would also feed the feeling of attachment that they've buried. I mean we can only hope, but I guess if it doesn't work at least we're putting our lives back together while they are floundering in Lala land.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I've grown more in the last two months than I have in the last two decades!
Here's what I know now that I didn't know when WS moved to basement in April:
*I CAN survive without him *The best thing he brings to our marriage (right now) is his paycheck *He IS replaceable *There are LOTS of men out there who would snag me in a minute *He's a f*cking idiot!
I would NEVER have said any of those things 6 months ago. But between this board and Larry (Bilotta's) course, I know that WS is only 1 fish in an ocean teaming with wildly attractive men.
Yes we've been handed a bunch of lemons by our WS. But whether you cut them and suck on them or squeeze them and make lemonade is entirely up to you...
1. This is only MY theory, i haven't read it anywhere... 2. I am also suggesting they don't even KNOW its a test...
Think of it like your kids running away from home... They dont' WANT to leave do they? I honeslty think a lot of them want some attention and want to know you love them and you will come after them...
Ya I know, you chase them and pursue your spouse and they brush you off again...
It's a rough test, they are REALLY gonna but you through the ringer...
And I think sometimes it is a subconcious test, sometimes I think they seriously intend to leave but have to fight their attchment instincts... etc
It's not always going to be a test, but I think a large number of them are...
SR, you H I would say IS testing you, but I think he has no idea it is even happening... I think HE thinks he's in love and just pursuing that...
I think subconsiously he's an angry little child and will always test those he's around because he has a lot of trust issues...
Bear with me, that's psycholanalys over an internet forum.. Don't put too much stock in it. lol
Here's some things I've been thinking, though, that make me feel like the odds are VERY stacked against me.
1. My H already left last year to "find himself." Now he claims that last year he was feeling emotionally detached from me and falling out of love with me, and that this was a huge part of the whole "finding himself" thing. 2. My H claims now that the OW is not really the issue, that he and I are the issue, and that the romantic part of our rel. ran its course and he doesn't regret any years with me but that he's just not seeing a way to be in love with me again. 3. My H refuses any counseling, individual or marital. He wouldn't even agree to going to a MC with me ONE TIME with the condition being set forth that we were ONLY there to bring closure to the marriage and end it. He wouldn't even do that much. 4. My H insists to family and friends that his head is on straight, he needs no support, and that he is fully in control of his actions. Friends tell me he keeps posting on fbook that he is "happy." (he is not posting anything about me or the OW though).
So I just wonder if the affair is even part of this issue or not based on what he says, and if it's not, and he truly is not in love with me at all, then I feel like all my strategies now won't work to DB. I don't know, I mean my "case" seems so different to me than everyone else's I have read here, because even MWD talks on the infidelity video about how infidelity can be gotten past, but in my case, he doesn't want to get past it and even claims if it weren't there he'd still be gone.
I did get some intel the other day that troubles me too. H told a friend of mine that he "needed the OW to cling to in order to be able to walk away from me for good." Like the walking away from me did come first.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
It's like the only "hope" I get out of my scenario is that he has dragged his feet on actually trying to divorce me. No legwork, no filing, no nothing. I guess I'd know it was time to throw in the towel if he'd filed in addition to all that above.
Sorry I'm posting so much today, it's just been a bad day.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I was going to _________________, but then you _______________, so I've decided to divorce you.
This is how they place blame and don't take responsibility for walking away. It is total B.S. You are not the first person to hear that; most of us have heard those words.
Believe none of what they say and only half of what they do.
You will get through this, and you WILL be stronger as a result. Focus on you, GAL, work on changing those things about yourself you know aren't healthy for YOU or a relationship. Let your H spin, and treat him like a friendly acquaintance. Find a way to smile and laugh EVERY day. Set aside time to cry--maybe 10 minutes--and then get up and get busy with something.
Someday you'll look back on all of this and it won't be so horrible, IF you do the work on yourself. There are gifts to be had in every situation if we look for them.
I know it's not easy, and I am in no way diminishing how you feel. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. I just know how I made it through sane to the other side. Even though we eventually reconciled, I'd reached a point where I knew I'd be okay either way.
Hang in there, and take each day a few moments or hours at a time. It does get easier.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
