I'm not sure I'm qualified to give an opinion here since I have not read Robx/Gucci's Letting Go approach vs the Allen/Puppy Exposure approach.
Hmmm....
My first thought is to ask yourself, which is more of the same for you vs. doing a 180??? Maybe that would be a healthy question to ask yourself before deciding.
I would go with the Allen/Puppy tract first. You can always escalate into Gucci time.
You cannot effective dial down from Gucci time. The Robx/Gucci method is all in and there is no turning back.
You have already started down the Allen path. You might want to stay the course and give a week or so to see what the fallout is from everything that is brewing currently.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
The Allan/Puppy method should precede the Gucci one in my opinion.
No WAS is really going to come back if they are in an EA/PA, ESPECIALLY if they have started the divorce process.
The other person is a lifeline, and a handhold for them through it. They "think" they will be able to navigate divorce because they are getting attention, sex, and everything they lacked in the marriage. It colors their vision of the process, and provides some sort of coping mechanism.
Blow that out of the water BIG TIME. Then monitor results and do your DBing with detachment. Let the WAS feel the pain of losing their other partner and go through withdrawal.
Should that NOT work ONE SINGLE BIT with stopping the D, then you have to move on to Gucci.
Once you totally let go, your WAS has no other person, and NO YOU. Family and friends CAN'T be there 24/7, and the idea is during the times your WAS is alone, that the natural attachment bond they have with you will tend to start to attract them back to you.
Even if it is anger or "what the Hell could they be doing", they are still THINKING of you. Think about something long enough, and they start to want what they apparently can't have.
How much do people crave some food at midnight, when they damn well know the place is closed? "Oh if I could just have some of that XXXXXX".
Blow the affair out of the water, and then YOU decide how long is long enough to go Gucci. Because if you exposed and the WAS is still committed to D, then you HAVE to PROTECT yourself.
It's sort of like the little guy FINALLY standing up for himself when being picked on. EVERYONE gives him a big thumbs up and sees him differently. When you PROTECT yourself and disappear, the WAS WILL notice.
Last edited by Quicksilver264; 07/16/1006:27 PM.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
I DO feel that Dobson and Exposure are compatible. Having said that, I also think others have made "Letting Go" an approach that is different than Exposure. Dobson laid out no clear approach, just philosophies and protecting the line of respect. He left specifics (approach) to the individual to seek personal counseling on.
I'm saying this to not confuse anyone by my earlier statements, because anyone having read my posts knows I LOVE Dobson. I still feel that if you are seeking counsel (as Dobson advises) that you have to determine in each individual sitch as to the best specific course of action. Allen and Puppy are right on - Exposure and "Letting Go" are different forks that MAY lead to the same road...and you can go down both if the other one isn't working. However, I would listen to them about which to take first.
Each case is different and you have to go with what you feel is best in your case. Having said that, DO NOT let fear be your determining factor here. You can't take the letting go fork because you're too afraid of the other one! If you do so, take it because you have truly thought out why the other is better. Personally, it sounds to me you've already started down the Exposure road, so why back out of it now???
I'm not an expert in these specifics... I'll leave that to others. Just my 2cents.
I just got off the phone with her friend Candace. By the end of the hour, I felt pretty godd. But the opening was scary.
(Candace is 4 months further in the process of D than I. She still respects me and after talking to W, thought she should call to "teach me" what she knows)
Yes, W knows who I exposed to. His parents "felt" scared and "worried for W". W actually (and this is scary) has pictures of the business card of my friend at the dealership with OM's address written on it. (My friend may be in trouble. And 'we" violated the privacy act) Candace told me: -you'll look back and say "That was crazy", Why did I do that, etc -She felt I was losing my grip and doing this out of anger, revenge, etc -She told me a lot. -By the time we were done, I think she was REALLY on my side. She said she was scared for me because she was in the same position but she understands and is glad I'm not "insane" -Kristin just told HER what was going on. -I asked Candace how she felt about being lied to by W -my W is starting to REALLY feel guilty.
However, I put it into perspective for her. My motivation was to shine the light on the inappropraite behaviour so that maybe the two of them would see the damage they are doing.
I am doing this out of love. Though I really don't like W right now, she is not in control of herself. I am trying to protect her and our family.
The window of opportunity to even ATTEMPT repair is closing because the longer the A goes, the firther away I go.
I can't control her. But I can control me. And if I let the lies and A stay hidden, I was enabling the A and actually hurting my W. And I couldn"t do that.
I refused to accept that on my deathbed I would have to admit I didn't do EVERYTHING to save my family.
I told her that W and I need to have this discussion you and I are having but we cannot discuss the marriage in any form for either dissoloution or rebilding until it's only the two of us in the marriage. No interlopers.
She was surprisingly open about her concern over W. She has her own stbxh to cpmpare to.
All in all a good chat. It should demilitarize the confrontation Sunday.
OK, for STARTERS, CD, you need to lose the first-names thing here. This is a PUBLIC message forum, and it's reckless of you to do so. There's a reason we all use things like "OM", "OW", "BFF", etc.
Secondly, don't let this woman stir you up into (sorry ladies) bullchit female DRAMA. First of all (can I say "First of all," after I already said "Secondly"?? ), I'm pretty sure there's no such thing as the "Privacy Act," and ENTIRELY sure there's no law against one private citizen voluntarily writing down the name of an adulterer on a business card and giving it to the betrayed spouse. This is typical paranoid cheating couple's PARANOIA DRAMA, and you need to leave THAT, to the CHEATERS.
You, stick to FACTS. Who-what-when-where, leave the legal stuff for the attorneys, and go out and do some GAL stuff in-between pulling the triggers on your Plan.
Please let me know what I'm missing. I'm not seeing any "problem" here, much less "A BIG ONE!"
Successful DBing is ruled by your BRAINS (and you've got plenty), not by your EMOTIONS.
I just got off the phone with her friend Candace. By the end of the hour, I felt pretty godd. But the opening was scary.
(Candace is 4 months further in the process of D than I. She still respects me and after talking to W, thought she should call to "teach me" what she knows)
Yes, W knows who I exposed to. His parents "felt" scared and "worried for W". W actually (and this is scary) has pictures of the business card of my friend at the dealership with OM's address written on it. (My friend may be in trouble. And 'we" violated the privacy act) Candace told me: -you'll look back and say "That was crazy", Why did I do that, etc -She felt I was losing my grip and doing this out of anger, revenge, etc -She told me a lot. -By the time we were done, I think she was REALLY on my side. She said she was scared for me because she was in the same position but she understands and is glad I'm not "insane" -Kristin just told HER what was going on. -I asked Candace how she felt about being lied to by W -my W is starting to REALLY feel guilty.
However, I put it into perspective for her. My motivation was to shine the light on the inappropraite behaviour so that maybe the two of them would see the damage they are doing.
I am doing this out of love. Though I really don't like W right now, she is not in control of herself. I am trying to protect her and our family.
The window of opportunity to even ATTEMPT repair is closing because the longer the A goes, the firther away I go.
I can't control her. But I can control me. And if I let the lies and A stay hidden, I was enabling the A and actually hurting my W. And I couldn"t do that.
I refused to accept that on my deathbed I would have to admit I didn't do EVERYTHING to save my family.
I told her that W and I need to have this discussion you and I are having but we cannot discuss the marriage in any form for either dissoloution or rebilding until it's only the two of us in the marriage. No interlopers.
She was surprisingly open about her concern over W. She has her own stbxh to cpmpare to.
All in all a good chat. It should demilitarize the confrontation Sunday.
I think I'll say the exact same things to my W.
And prepare to file.
Geez,what a day.
One thing stands out in your sitch, she's 27 years old. Its funny how these age split relationships start to have serious problems while the younger one is approaching 30 years old. Its like they have been making a life plan and put it into effect, obviously must not have the older spouse acocunted for...
Canada does indeed have a Privacy Act. I don't know the full details of it but my friend could lose his job if they can prove HE gave me the info on customers or staff.
It'd be a long-shot but the fact she went though my pockets snooping is interesting.
I agree that there was some "lady drama" and possible "fact finding" but she got nothing. In fact, I think I got more out of her than she did from me.
MY APOLOGIES FOR THE FIRST NAMES. I WAS DOWNLOADING MY BRAIN TOO FAST.
I believe W was intending to use my "irrational behaviour" as a means to get custody or at least threaten to get me to back off.
Not gonna happen. My hands are clean and I have more evidence or irrational than she does.
), I'm pretty sure there's no such thing as the "Privacy Act," and ENTIRELY sure there's no law against one private citizen voluntarily writing down the name of an adulterer on a business card and giving it to the betrayed spouse. This is typical paranoid cheating couple's PARANOIA DRAMA, and you need to leave THAT, to the CHEATERS.