Was he physically abusive? I don't remember seeing that. If that was the case, then he needs to earn her respect. Not the other way around.
If I recall correctly, he beat her with a belt once.
And yes, he needs to be trying to convince her to save the marriage, not the other way around. abq needs to reach down and feel her own value and show self-respect. (BTW, she is a drop-dead gorgeous young woman.)
my huband has called me everal times on the rbink of crying and i have taken his call once. Afetr i took his call and couneled him for half an hour and tried to make him feel better, i called a few days later and... cld as ice.... super polite, but cold. I'm sure it's some way of staying in control. But since then, he has called several times again and I haven't answered.. when he called, he spoke about feeling like a failure, and never being able to get anything right and how he felt overwhelmed and misserable. how maybe his job destroyed 'his personal life'. (not the personal ads and porn and abuse, right?). i just tried to build him up; i didn't say anything about how i know how it feels to be completely alone and abandoned. I just couoldn;t bring myself to take his call again. I felt used last time and I dont want to be used. he didn;t ay he wanted me back, he keeps saying in his messages he 'needs someone to talk to'. Isn't that what a marriage is for? I don't know. I miss him and don;t want him to stop calling, but I just feel like I shouldn't respond until and if he says he wants to change and realizes he was wrong, otherwise, I just end up being used and he gets the best of me without giving me anything. We are right about to finalize this thing. why is he doing this?? does he realize what he has done?
Well, I only went back a few pages in your thread just to catch a glimpse to offer some support of direction.
I don't like seeing anyone "standing out in the rain" here on the boards.
From where I see this you are trying too hard and being inconsistent in your behaviours.
You need to focus on you. If he left you, why are you doing all the talking to get him to see 'the light" and 'eror in his ways'?
He has to figure that out himself.
You should be focused on what you want. And that's NOT him right now.
Try this on- If you were dating someone and they were doing this, would you continue? -passive agressive behaviour? -using you? -not wanting YOU but "someone to talk to"?
Why would you "miss" this?
You answered your own question, BTW
Originally Posted By: abqbelly
I shouldn't respond until and if he says he wants to change and realizes he was wrong, otherwise, I just end up being used and he gets the best of me without giving me anything.
Think about how you contributed to the state of the marriage. Work on fixing those things. You'll need those skills in your NEXT relationship-regardless of whether it's him or not. And then start behaving the way the new you is going to be. That's what you should be doing.
He has his own problems. You didn't create them for him; HE DID. And HE has to admit them and fix them. Let him do that. Don't try to do it for him. I was given great advice and one that sticks in my head is "You'll NEVER reason or explain somebody to change their minds. They have to be motivated toward something."
So be the "better abqbelly" and act that way. Make it your new skin. Hopefully, he'll see that and you can be his motivation. In either case, YOU are ready for the rest of your life.
I hope that gives you something to distract you from your confusion and helplessness. Help yourself FIRST.
i'm extremely damaged. i see a pychologist at least weekly. I have PTSD bad. I dont take his call because i'm terrified he'll hurt or me or manipulate me in some way. I have to constantly be validated by friends and family that it wasn;t all my fault, that I'm not bad. Now, school starts in a few weeks, and I have been this crazy without school or work... what will i do what I have this and have to work and go to school? I'm still in the house and being supported by him financially. I hate ignoring him. my heart is broken, but I'm so afraid of him... i'm afraid of the person I am with him. Completely wrapped up in him and wrapped up in my looks... trying to please him.... figure him out... be OK in his eyes. I'm a perfect narcissistic supply source. Yes, he sounded almost tearful. But he just wanted me to feel sorry for him. Sorry so that I would either build him up or so that I would feel guilty for asking for money or not sue him for beating me. And of course, it would work. If he were to give me my consolance I would most likely crumble. That's why I don't take his calls, which have ceased. I will however have to see him next week because we are being auidited. I'm nervous, sad and in a strange way excited. But today, I'm just terrified. I'm terrified he'll hurt me. He could do it by being kind, by being cold, just by being himself. I generally feel like a nut case wreck today.
