Thanks - You know, I realize that really I don't want her to stop calling me. But I also don't want her to call me because she wants me to fill the role of husband / friend without anything changing. I guess that's why I asked the questions I did. Why are you calling? Is it because anything has changed? Well, OK then. I don't want to be mean. I just want to set the clear boundary.
And you know, I did send her pictures last night of the boys playing ball outside last night, and called her about their sudden enthusiasm about wanting to do sports this coming year, and about how hard one of my boys is trying to engage. So, we've got a good, positive partnership here with the parenting, and I like that.
So, going back to the goals I published...
Quote:
- Forgiveness. Letting go of the pain and anger, and keeping it from informing my behavior. - Building a satisfying life for myself – and this is going to include being able to be alone without dwelling on the sadness, to be able to be complete. For this to no longer be what my life is about. - Building a relationship with XW – yes – that is not based on the wreckage of our marriage. Meaning – is not based on wanting her to come home. That is not based on need, or repair, or wanting anything from her. That is not based on me rescuing her, or her needing me. That is not based on any expectations. Maybe that relationship is sparse – meaning we’re co-parents – and maybe it’s full – meaning we’re friends. Maybe there is a long-term path to reconciliation. But thinking about it too much will not be productive. - Being steady. Developing resilience. Staying calm. Coping with the bad moments.
Building a relationship with XW for co-parenting - good. That's OK.
Being steady - well, need to detach for that. That's what I'm hoping I'm doing. Not using those opportunites that she calls to get close.
Building a life for myself - trying to establish with her that - she's not what this is about anymore. Not going to rescue her.
Forgiveness - I guess I'm doing OK with that. I'm less angry, or have fewer spikes I guess. I still think about it, but it's packing much less of a punch.
And keep thinking: I'm single.
Now if she calls up and said "I made a mistake" then, I guess we'll have a different conversation. (I'm not sure what actually.) But for the time being, this is how it is.
