Now I'm wondering if he really does have a match.com subscription. He may have just signed in to check it out. But like you all say..it doesn't really matter anyway, does it? It does help me to be a little more compassionate tho, if I think he was just checking and not actually meeting them. That hurts me.
I understand what you are saying, Eric and Warrior about being the light. He needs a light. And if I was going thru what he is, I would sure want him to be my light. Warrior, he has told me many times that he wouldn't be where he is today without me, that he was so glad we found each other, and with tears in his eyes even. So I know he meant it. Yes, we did have some moments..he started to act weird in about 2001, looking at other women, etc. I asked him about it and told him it hurt me and he stopped..or so he said. I would guess that he started the changes or maybe MLC long before I even thought. It took the deaths and the job to finally send him over the edge.
It's so darn hard when you can't be the light right now..and help them. God, it just rips my heart out to see him struggling with all of this. He knows he is acting crazy but seems unable to stop it. My friends tell me that we all go thru transitions in life and we know right from wrong. So this MLC is just an excuse to go out and screw other women. I totter back and forth with that. I think he knows, just can't stop himself. It really is about more than that tho. His anger, his confusion, his spiraling down, his forgetfulness, etc. Not just the other women. My biggest fear is that because he seems so stuck on having more kids..he will pursue that with a vengence and that will be a hard one for us to overcome. He will want to be with the mother and his child. That was the reason I asked you guys if I should try to nip this match.com thing in the bud. I didn't want it to get that far..sometimes there really is a point of no return.
Anyway, I could go on and on, but who cares, right? I can't do anything about it anyway. So I'm not even gonna think about it. I will just be the happy girl he met 20 years ago. I'll be nice and smile and not pressure him, keep telling him I'm glad he's home, and just try to make him feel secure. I will love him from a distance. I'll start doing things away from the house on the weekends so he can think by himself, (and screw other women) and I'll start looking into my future to see what I can do to keep myself busy. I will try to think the best of him and not dwell on the bad things. And just hope and pray with all my heart that he comes to his senses before it's too late.
