WCW, not sure. I know that dealing with H is draining. He has ADD (always had, even as a kid) and isn't medicated. Actually refuses and says it doesn't affect him. I even read and gave him the book ADD and marriage (or something like that). Still nothing.
I also know that H is controling, although he sees it as love and caring. Things like- I want to drive to the family cabin; H says I don't want you driving that far alone with the kids, but then he drives that far alone with the kids. When I start to do something, like go through the mail, he comes over and takes over. Or I start doing dishes, and all of a sudden he's up at the sink taking over. I call around for estimates to get my car fixed, and the next thing I know H is coming in with other quotes.
He doesn't "help" he takes over- although he sees it as help.
His mother was also physically and verbally abusive (still is very verbally abusive and plays emotional games with her kids). Anything I say is always taken the wrong way. i can't even raise my voice or be loud with excitement without words or shhhhhh's or looks from H.
No, he hasn't seen a C about it, he thinks he's dealt with it fine and that it has nothing to do with anything.
His ADD also means he doesn't listen well. He hears, and thinks he listens, but he doesn't. He can't remember things 20 minutes later. When a conversation goes longer than 2 minutes, his eyes are elsewhere. He also can't stick with things. He'll clean the counter, but then leave the paper towels and windex on the counter. He'll do laundry but not fold it, he'll say he'll do something then forget to do it. But I can't nag, because that's being mean. It's like having another kid.
It's also the way he says things.
This one gets me the most. I am a teacher, have been since college (High school acually, but that's another story). H is just getting started and is a sub. He has had year long sub jobs for the past 3 years. When talking to people he raves about teaching and in his words "this is the easist job". Seriously? I've been teaching more than 1/2 my life, and it's far from easy. But he keeps at it. No matter how many times I say, no it's not easy it's the hardest job there is.
I teach elementary. I'm certified K-8, and I teach teacher courses as well. Almost weekly, H tells me how much I would love teaching middle school math, and how I should take the test so I can switch, and how much I would love middle school. Uh, no. I teach elementary and am dammmm good at it too. No desire to switch, but he keeps prodding. he thinks he's giving compliments and helping me to "be a better" (his words) and that I'd enjoy it. He doesn't hear that I am enjoying what I do now and have no desire to switch.
One last thing. I promise.
H also words things in the negative when speaking to you.
I cleaned out my closet. His reaction wasn't it's so much better, or it looks good. Instead it was so you were able to get everything back in?
I redid the patio and got a deck box for the cushions. H's response wasn't it looks nice, or that really cleans up the patio and makes more room in the garage, or even nice job.... nope. It was "so you were able to put it together?" It's like I'm not supposed to be able to do anything.
So how do you explain all that to a guy who has never healed from emotional abuse and doesn't really listen to what is said?
I'm trying to find nice words (it's like walking on freakin egg shells) that he will relate to and not tell me I'm just being mean again.
It will also be in a letter form. I've found that when H reads, he can digest the words better than hearing them.
