no hope

[Young at Heart]

....i've been thinking about this and i think that i am prepared for this 180, because it's time that i start doing for myself. i ain't getting the quality sex that i want from her, or even the quantity; what have i got to lose? no sex? that's how it is now!

...also, we have always worn our wedding bands: i have never taken mine off. she has her engagement ring, her wedding band, and her diamond wedding band. months ago, i started to notice that she was sporatically wearing them, and now she never puts them on. when i asked her why she doesn't wear them, she said that they are too small. i have yet to see her take them to the jeweler. but if we go out miraculously, she wears one. that pisses me off, still does. a few months ago, i confronted her about it, and she got mad saying that it wasn't a big deal, and that if it was such a big deal, she would wear it ( but it was all said angrily).

.....i know that i am over analyzing and will stop, because it's a negative vibe, and i really need to focus on me.

.....i will stop having sex with her. it's going to kill me, but i will do my best to become celibate with her and only be platonic.

....she's probably going to be happy that i am no longer bothering her, but then she's also going to think that i am having an affair because this is so out of character for me. she's going to also give me the third degree about why i no longer want to have sex.

what do i tell her then?

A couple of suggestions. First read up on 180's go to the 180 portion of this website and read about some of the ones that seemed to work for people. Make sure you understand what GAL really is about as that is going to be your focus if you stop having sex with your wife. All that anger, extra energy, etc. needs to be focused into something beneficial for you.

Remember that you can not control or force your wife to do anything. She is the only person who gets to change herself. You can offer her opportunities, support change, ask for change, work with a sex therapist to initiate change, etc., but she ultimately is the one who needs to take responsibility for what she does and for her own happiness.

I would sit her down at a time when she is not stressed and willing to listen to you and tell her that her not wearing her wedding rings is important to you. Tell her that you would like to set up a time for the next weekend when the two of you will go to a jeweler to get her rings resized, because it is important to you. Then if she says no, just tell her that you are disappointed in her, and then drop the subject and don't fight over it.

If in figuring out what kind of 180 you are going to do the change the dynamic between the two of you, make sure you have a really good reason for it. When what you do or how you interact with a spouse doesn't produce the result you want, it is time to change the way you act. That is what a 180 is about. It is sort of a trial and error sociological experiment where you see how different approaches to interracting with your wife result in a different response from you wife. You try a 180 for a while, see if it produces a desired result and if it does you keep it. If it doesn't you try something else.

When I told my wife that I wasn't going to have sex with her until she actually showed me she wanted to have sex with me, it was because sex with her had become a very unhappy emotional interchange, that to me wasn't worth the pain. After we had sex or while we were having sex, she would say or do things to make me angry and start a fight. I decided that I was going to take charge of my being happy. I was no longer going to rely upon my wife making me happy. I deserved to be happy.

My wife was thrilled with my statement and didn't believe I was serious. I was very serious. At times I told her that is she did something that showed me she wanted to make love to me, I would have sex with her. She asked what I meant. I told her that she knew the kinds of clothes I liked her to wear and the things I liked her to do to arrouse me. Sometimes I got explicit and told her if she would model a new dress she had purchased for me before bed and take it off infront of me, that I would make love to her. She would never do anything like that, so we didn't have sex. I knew that if I had sex as I had done with her before, she would hurt me emotionally and I would feel worse for having sex than for not having sex.

Others on this forum told me that I had given my wife an excuse to never have sex with me again. They effectively told me that I have "blown it" and was not likely to either lead a complete life of celbacy or need to divorce her. What I knew was that I did not want to expose myself to being hurt by her like that again. I also knew that if I was successful in my GAL changes, I could divorce her and find another woman who would provide me with the physical and emotional love that I needed (although I really wanted her love).

Later she accused me of trying to engage in a power struggle to control her. Each time, I told her she was the only one who could change herself. Each time I would not let her get to me or make me so angry that I verbally lashed out. I can't tell you the number of times, I looked at her and asked myself if that was a serious question she was asking or if she was just trying to pick a fight as fighting or avoidance had become our "normal mode of interaction." A 180 is designed to change normal modes of interaction.

There is a lot of interesting literature on setting boundaries and enforcing them. I suggest you read up on boundaries also.

Another 180 that I did about the same time was to show her love and make her feel loved in her primary languages of love (quality time and acts of service/devotion). I did this without demanding anything from her in exchange for what I was doing. At times after sereral months I wondered it I should keep it up, but I was starting to see some changes in the way she reacted from this. I also would touch her head/back/neck and hold her close when she needed comforting, but I would make sure there was nothing sexual about it.

Later when I told her that I needed to be touched and she told me that the reason she didn't touch me is that it always lead to sex, I told her she didn't need to worry about that for two months as there was absolutely no way I was going to have sex with her. I told her that I was going to deny myself something that was really important to me so that she would have the emotional space to explore touching and learn to touch my body. The two months turned into three and she still to this day she is inhibited about touching me, although she now finds having sex two to three times a week easier than touching me affectionaly at other times. She still only touches me (for the most part) when we make love. So I go get a theraputic massage at least once a week so I feel like I am getting the touching I need. It has done wonders for my posture and unknoted muscles in my shoulders and back. I am going to make sure that I get what I need in life. I will also respect my wife and try to make her happy and give her what she needs.

As to being given the "third degree" and figuring out what you are going to tell her. Tell her that you are now focused on becoming a happy better individual and you are not going to let her or anyone take your health and/or happiness. You are committed to getting a life and enjoying that life (if that is how you feel). Tell her that you would like her to be in that life with you, but it is her choice.

Tell her how you feel, but don't get angry at her, don't blame her, just focus on what you are going to do to make yourself happy. You can tell her that you are unsure of if your marriage is making you happy or not, and need to figure that out. You can appologize to her for probably having hurt her and tell her that you don't want to fight with her or be angry at her any more.

Good luck to you.