Heartbroken and needing help!

[lolawar]

I have ALWAYS felt like I was NEVER worthy of this man (yes, one of my contributing problems) - but I WORKED like a DOG to bring joy to his life. And from much of the evidence - I was successful. But something was missing for HIM.

IB- this I believe...is one of the biggest issues you need to deal with. Why would your H think you were worthy of him if YOU don't think YOU were worthy of him?

Get yourself together and CHANGE this!! You can do it!! Believe you are worthy first...and then show him that you are. OK?

[TimeHeals]

I am broken!!!

No, you just got knocked down, and it knocked the wind out of you. You'll be OK. Take it from somebody who was paralyzed for two months in his 20s, this ain't nothin'.

Prescription: regular excercize (I don't care if it's just getting out and walking the dog every day).

Regular sleep.

Do something at least 2 hours a day that helps take your mind off of this.

Better nutrition.

New hair style?

A new look.

----

Once you start to lose the frump, it's going to help your self-esteem more than you can imagine right now, but it takes time... give it 8 weeks before you start to see better results.

This is Drill Sgt. TimeHeals telling you it's time to get back up and start marchin', soldier!

[TimeHeals]

IB- this I believe...is one of the biggest issues you need to deal with.

Agreed.

And the way you deal with it is just to remind yourself it's Bull Poop everytime you have these feelings. Pure manure. I feel like I don't deserve good things... because I am full of crap Work your way through these childhood traumas, and let them go!

And then you set out to prove just how good you can be !

Everybody deserves love and dignity. You have to throw these things away for them not to be in your life, starting with you loving you.

[irishblessings]

Lola and Time -

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I know I have to pull myself up again - and Time you are right - I am not getting enough rest or exercise. I need to make a plan and do a better job controlling myself!

This is the deepest wound I think I've ever had......

I thought I was stronger than this but the past couple of years have taken its toll.

Quiet dignity, self-esteem, common courtesy.

[Grace_O]

Irish,

He is living out of his car - hopping from one "friend" to another. This is NOT a good thing for my S to be exposed to.

One way to look at this is you son will see that for every choice we make there are consequences, good or bad. Right now, you H is dealing with the consequences of his decision. It really is that simple.

My H took very little wehn he left. Most clothes, computer, basically a suitcase full. There's still stuff here, most of it is packed in the garage. Honestly, I really don't think about it much. Something came up recently where he went and got something to take with him. No, he didn't say anything, just got it out of the garage and put it by the door. I made a comment about his taking it and said "It's mine now. You left it. It belongs to me." It was a caution and I made my point. There was no nastiness, nothing mean, just a simple statement.

All I'm saying is, you can do whatever you choose about this, just know what it is you want and how you want to handle yourself.

HUGS

[irishblessings]

Thanks Grace / I swear sometimes I get so lost in the emotions I think I'm senile! I have such a hard time finding my way back to my center.

Your point is well made about once he leaves it - it belongs to us.

I feel like my life is now a trashy, dirty remnant of what it once was. My front yard looks homey with flowers and such - the house is warm and cozy - but those of us left behind (me and the kids) are just flattened - covered in s**t. I want to clean us up - and that's part of the reason I need a legal separation. I have to have structures in place for S and I to function and for me to keep us as far away from H's filth as possible.

[Grace_O]

You do what you need to do to protect yourself.

My question to myself is always "why do I want to do....?", then I sit with it and if it is out of anger or to punish, I just put it on the back burner and don't do anything.

[Truegritter]

Irish

Listen up there ^^^^ Good advice.

I say do what you need to do to protect yourself.

Forget about poking the lion right now.

Protect YOU first.

Everyone is different in what they can tolerate with contact.

I had to go completely dark for a time.

If you need to do it.

DO IT.

Your goal is to get to a clam place. And protect your children.

You're still in the cage with the lion...

You've got a lot of strength in you.

You got this stuff very quickly so I know...

You got mad skills in you girl.

Courage now.

[irishblessings]

Gritt -

I take that as a HUGE compliment - thanks for your faith in me. My dad and my sister came in today ~ I hit rock-bottom. Puked my guts out finally and had a well needed a$$ chewing from Daddy. Dad is a recovered alcoholic and he says "what part of sick don't you get?"

I need to go completely dark - but I know that with S's schedule it won't happen for another 2 weeks. So - August 1st - the lights go out. Now I need to practice extreme self care until then.

Thanks again!

[dl443322]

Sweetie, I want to tell you a few things, ok?

Short version - raging alcoholic mom - for whom I never did anything right, my family put the dys in dysfunctional, three miscarriages, neuromuscular disease which I passed onto my son, controlling h for whom I, once again, never did anything well enough for. I could go on, but you get the picture.

Fast forward. By the time of the bomb, I was a shell of the girl I was at 20. I felt I wasnt good enough to clean the bottom of h's shoes.

But you know what, I am still here, still kicking and I know I am more than good enough. I know deep inside that I am a good person, that I matter in the lives of family and friends, that I try each day to live my life with honor and dignity. I am worthy. And so are you.

Listen, it is hurtful to find out that the man you thought you knew is capable of doing the things your h is doing.

Here's the thing. Your h is on a journey, too. And it is a difficult one. But it is his. And he must walk it.

That's why it's best for you to stop reacting and to start detaching. It's not easy. It takes time. But it takes work, too. Each and everyday. Little by little.

And about your son. My son was the same age when this all started. I promise you this. If you are ok, he will be, too. He needs to see you strong and in control. You are his touchstone. He is looking to you to feel secure. He certainly cant count on his father for that right now.

IB, I know how hard this is. It feels like a nightmare you arent waking up from. But, you can get through this. I promise you.

And honey, you arent broken. You just got the wind knocked out of you. We, all of us, did the best we could with the tools we had at the time. Now you know better, so you'll do better.

Listen, let your h blow in the wind right now. You look after you and your son. That is where you need to put all your energies. Trying to figure out your h right now is like nailing jello to a tree. Aint gonna happen.

Come on now. Get to gettin'.