Terrific email! And I support your idea of seeing if he will come up with it on his own...but just file in the back of your mind that he might not get the nerve to do it! Of course you know your H best...but considering this is about YOUR boundaries, it is definitely a discussion worth having, whether he starts it or not!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Um... okay guys... he said that we could start counseling after his trip to Colorado. So it'd be August-ish.
He didn't seem too thrilled. He seemed resigned, in a way.
As I remember it:
WH is getting ready to leave. He's still on the couch, though, looking down during the whole exchange.
WH: So... (sigh) I'm sorry that I talked to you about the yoga stuff the other day. I... guess I won't do that anymore.
This doesn't make sense to me, even now. I didn't want him to talk to me if he didn't want to make 'us' work. Our communication is still off, I think.
Me: Okay.
WH: And...(sigh) I think that we should probably do counseling.
(5 second pause)
WH: I don't think we should start until after my trip to Colorado.
Me: Okay.
WH: And I don't think that we should talk about this sort of thing outside of counseling. We should just stay the way we have been outside of counseling.
Me: Okay.
His phone rang, and we had a short exchange about who had called him.
He was still very heavy in his demeanor, didn't look at me in the eyes, and he said he'd see me Monday.
So. I'm not over the moon. But I am happy. I think. It's where we would need to start.
Oh I also forgot to say that he did say that he really likes coming over to my apartment and seeing us. And I said that we liked seeing him. That happened right before his phone rang.
Okay, I'm tired. Off to bed.
me, 30 WH, 29 D born June 2010 M: July 2001 Bomb/S: 1/14/10 Done with it all.
I am not feeling good about this. I wouldn't be so happy. I am not trying to hurt you but it sounds like he wants out. I am sorry. Talking is not going to do it. I think you need him to tell to get out. Detach so that he feels the loss of you. He is either going to miss you and come back or continue on with his life. I think you are hurting yourself with false hope. It is never over until one of you dies but you painted a really dim picture that makes him sound completely uninterested to me. I am sorry once again but I think that you should change stratagies to a little more aggresive plan.
Yeah, I'm not so happy. I'm the one who wrote the account of what happened (a really dim picture!), so I'm not being blinded. I am happy that he wants to try counseling. It's what I feel our relationship deserves, at least. So... we'll see what happens.
Over the night, when I was up feeding, I thought about it a bit.
Thoughts:
* He sort of sounds like he did when he said we could get pregnant. That's really bad.
* His lack of eye contact, etc could be attributed to his shame.
* I would say that BOTH of us are apprehensive about the work we would need to do.
* I did start to feel more wary as to if this is what I really wanted.
* It's possible he wants to go to counseling to tell me again- with a third party- how he wants to leave. That's really possible.
So. I don't think this is the most amazing thing ever. I think it's a good step. I'm very cautious.
Hey! With respect par4me, I don't think Gatsby needs to be too wary. She has her head on her shoulders and has been a natural DBer. No need for strategies as she has been practicing really healthy detachment from very early on in her sitch. So G, what I want to say is this IS a good step. I think no matter what happens to you two, you both could really benefit from discussing what happened to your marriage. I guess it means finding a really good counselor though - as they say, a bad one can do more damage. Seems to me you have time to find one?
All of those points you note are possible.
But don't waste time second guessing.
What can go horribly wrong? He's already left once and so he can't leave you again, right?
And he's saying he enjoys seeing you. You are doing really well. Keep doing what you are doing. I think it is working.
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
WOOOO HOOOO! I am sorry for being so excited, but my jaw dropped when I read that he said 1) he wanted counseling and 2)he loves to come over and be with you guys!
I was so impressed with you and proud that you let him speak and didn't ask questions and you just agreed! Because I didn't do that enough and my IC said that silence is powerful when used at the right times....and you can learn more from just letting the person just have time to think! haha!makes sense!
So the other thing is that I think it is IDEAL that for now, you don't talk about your R except in counseling and that you can just relax and be comfortable with him, continue your cooking and showing improvements...being more adventurous or whatever ...
it's like no pressure for you actually! You got him to be willing to go to counseling and be the one to say it first, you know? So what you are doing IS working!
And yes, consider the fact that he could just be saying he wants to go to counseling in order to say he did try. But don't dwell on that- I know you won't!
OK and I just wanted to add that although I had/have a loooong list of self improvements, I wish that I had prioritized them differently. WOrked on the ones like being the fun adventurous gal earlier (because in my case, stbxh didn't want Holly Homemaker/stepford wife...he loved my career focused independence and wanted a playful companion) although I did need to improve the domestic stuff too! And cooking and making the house cozy seemed to be the thing I could focus on in the winter!
Just sharing some hindsight but you are doing sooo well! I hope it's okay that I am enthusiastic for you.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Be sure to find at least 3 counselors just in case...and let him choose of the three! or something like that! Just an idea!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I'm with NM on this one. I read up on your sitch last night before I answered so I could see your progress. You've been fantastic. Getting him to suggest the C. amazing. Don't over analyze what you think he means by it. Once you're in there with a good counselor who knows what can happen. You already know he's confused and feeling good about seeing you and the little one.
Get Dr Phil's Relationship Rescue. It's great about helping with communication. It really helped me see my patterns with my H and change them even when he wasn't aware of it. Once I got good at it, I would plant seeds in conversations when we were together. Next thing I knew he would suggest something similar as if it was all his idea. You're part way there already.
I might make one other suggestion. Depending on how the MC goes, you might start implementing some fun and flirty interaction during his visits to show him you haven't completely given up and he can still have fun with you. Don't let him go on about his "life". Just keep things light. That's just food for thought for now.
