tired of this

[A_goodman]

OK, on to the money talk. After the session, I felt pretty powerful, so I just matter-of-factly said I know about the money. I told her that I went to the Bank and verified that she lied. After a slight pause, she told me “thanks for ambushing me. I hope you’re enjoying this”. I told her that it wasn’t an ambush. That I’d known for a couple of weeks. If I had wanted to truly ambush her I would have come to MC guns blazing. Actually, since, at the beginning she had warned me not to surprise her in session, she should be glad that I waited until now to bring it up. Anyway, I told her my point was that I knew and that it was contributing to my lack of trust.

She said that it was totally transparent and that she would be willing to show me the acct record. It was VERY difficult to contain my emotions. I think as-if was momentarily out the window. I said that it was NOT transparent in the least. It was deceitful and that I expect it to be put back. She was totally unapologetic and said she would not do that because she needed to feel safe right now. I think I lost it and told her that was total BS. (So, my validating needs work.) I said it was financial infidelity. She was getting angrier and angrier and I began trying to control myself and use “I” statements. She said there was nothing untoward going on. I told her that I could not believe that. So she asked what I thought she was up to? I replied that I had no idea and THAT was the issue. For all I know, you are saving up for an attorney, or have set up an apartment or are supporting some dude on the side. She was PISSED. She said that she would not let me control her money. HER money??!! I told her it was OUR money. We argued over that for a while. I did not back down. I asked her what would she do if I acted the same way? What if I took MY money out of the acct? How would she pay the bills? How is she now? She said that she is moving cash back into the acct as necessary to cover things. She doesn’t feel like this is wrong and that she has stolen from us. As long as we are married, our paychecks belong to both of us. And even if she is still paying the bills, she is denying the use of OUR funds to our family. She said we could have money if we asked her for it.

Then she shifted into how dirty it was for me to go through her purse. I told her that our checkbook belongs to both of us. It was right on top of the purse which was open. I felt like I had every right to look at it whenever I like. But after finding that the funds were not there, I did look through her wallet for receipts. I found a P O box number on a slip of paper which I asked her about that night. Stupid on my part. I hadn’t read enough on the forum yet by then. She teed off on my sneakiness and how she felt like I’d violated her privacy. I apologized for the purse part, but said that the checkbook was mine too and if she doesn’t want me to take it out of her purse then she should keep it in the open. She said it wasn’t supposed to be this way and I agreed whole heartedly. It should be open and honest, but there is nothing about this that proves that she can be trusted. Then she told me that she only lied because she felt frightened of me. WHOA. In 20 years, I have NEVER laid a finger on her. I was incredulous. She said she felt like her physical safety was in jeopardy. I asked her if I had ever touched her and she said that being a therapist, she knows that under extreme stress anyone can go off. It was 330 in the morning and I was angry, so she felt threatened. WOW. That hurt.

I just read through all this and realize it sounds like I am not employing DB teachings as well as I thought. All I can say is that during this I was still pretty calm, but firm. I told her that I could not countenance this type of behavior. That for me to feel like we are working towards something instead of just biding time until she has enough saved up, that it MUST be put back right. She jumped at the opening and said OR WHAT? So I took a deep breath and said “or you had better go”. That was a long pause. She said it looks like we might have an impasse on our hands because she will not feel safe any other way. She then told me that maybe we need to bring this up next week. So I agreed that maybe an ultimatum was wrong right now. To which she started trying to bully me. She said: “whatsa matter tough guy? You don’t want me to leave? What happened to all that “backbone” you were growing?” That was dripping with venom and derision. It was very difficult not to take the bait. I said: “No. My position is exactly the same as before. If this does not change, I want you to go. But I am willing to explore it in session and let you explain yourself. I know that we have more problems than just this, and I am committed to getting everything on the table and want to give you an opportunity to figure out what you need. But there are some things that must change for ME to continue to want YOU and this is a big one. WOW. Boundaries are scary.

Anyway, I went to pick up the kids from MIL. I made it a point to stay away for a couple of hours. Wasn’t sure what I would find when I got home. It was scary. But I realized my fear wasn’t about losing her, but about how to explain it to the kids if we show up and Mommy walks out tonight. Guess I better start planning in case I need to have that conversation at an unexpected time. Went home and W was still there. No suitcases out. And she was pretty cheery, considering. I busied myself getting the kids to bed and doing the dishes. Later she came to me in the kitchen and gave me a hug. A full-on long hug. No talking. It was the first real affection in months. And it felt really good. Her hair smelled so good. That’s weird, I know, but it was a physical reaction that I noticed. I had to finish the dishes and told her I’d meet her in the bedroom. We talked for about a half hour. It was calm and quiet. She told me it was a gutshot to her to find out that I didn’t trust her. She had asked me and I’d denied it many times. I told her that I was sorry for that. At the time, I really did think it was the right thing to do because I was afraid of losing her. I told her I’m not afraid any more. I said I was getting used to being alone with myself and that I would be ok. I told her I felt the same way to find out she was afraid of me hurting her. That has NEVER been me. I have never and will never hurt her. I told her that even if I hated her guts, I would never do that to the boys. But I understood it would take a long time for her to feel safe again.

I said that we had a lot of work to do, but that, for me, it was worth it to try. That I would work to meet her needs but that now my needs are the most important thing to me. I told her that I could not go on the way we used to operate. So in my mind, I have already closed the book on my relationship with her. It was a mostly good ride. From here we can just let that history stand on its own merits or we can start to re-write the ending a better way. She complimented me on growing and becoming more in tune with my feelings. It was a peaceful conversation. The first one in a long time.

Well, how am I doing so far?